Today’s horoscope

Aries: An embarassing day. Right in the middle of your presentation to the board of directors, you realize you forgot to wear underwear. And a skirt.

Taurus: Damn. No fruit pies left in the vending machine.

Gemini: Mercury retrograde goes aginst you as you accidentally book all three of your girlfriends for a date at the same restaurant, on the same night, at the same time.

Cancer: Still can’t find … remote control … going into … convulsions …

Leo: Afternoon spent gazing at your reflection. Or was that all morning? Does it matter? Better spend the evening in front of the mirror, just to be safe.

Virgo: You will run out of Rolaids by 9:30. And it’s a brand new bottle.

Libra: Can’t decide what side of bed to get up on and as a result, you’re late for work.

Scorpio: Continue torturing neighbor’s poodle with arsenic-soaked chew-toys.

Sagittarius: Your lucky day! After buying 50 scratch-off tickets, you get a $5 winner!

Capricorn: You are caught sending 3,000,000 texas holdem spams from your boss’s computer.

Aquarius: Call in sick, Aquarius! This is the day you will find the link between George Bush and Double-Stuff Oreos.

Pisces: A sad day, You trip over your own shadow. Twice.

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20 Replies to “Today’s horoscope”

  1. Well, at least they didn’t catch me when I sent all those Cia!lis soft!tabs and Unnowkn Cleebrity naked potohs spams. :limp:

    This way, I’ll get a nice firing, and won’t have to train the new person. Whew!

  2. 👿 Venus in Aries: you like headstrong attraction and a little fight with your love; try new sex positions at the top of a staircase.

    :mrgreen: Venus in Taurus: the meadow and the mud is your lovemaking divan. In the throes of passion, try not, if at all possible, to compare your lover to a barnyard animal.

    😆 Venus in Gemini: Your lover might not be able to talk as dirty as you, or as long about sweet-nothings, instead, find new uses for all that 9/11 duct tape.

    :boobs: Venus in Cancer: Ah the poetry! The home-made bread! The rose petal pathway to the bubbling bath… All you need now is to lose some breast-fat and get out of your lazy-boy chair.

    :kiss: Venus in Leo: A lace valentine inside a cellophane bag inside a hatbox inside a trunk inside a hearse inside a garage inside an abandoned building somewhere under moonlight.

    :geek: Venus in Virgo: Please do not make the bed before lovemaking. Instead let the sheets wrinkle if they must, let dampness be, if a pillow should be tossed during orgasm, let it land where it may and god forbid don’t let your love-talk mention Star Trek.

    😎 Venus in Libra: You are a classic beauty and a little remote. You are as fickle as a raven pecking at a hill of marbles. Your beauty will never be forgotten if you can stay out of the brothel industry.

    :wang: Venus in Scorpio: You are sex, rest, more sex, rest, eat, sex, sleep, sex, dream sex. Everything is a metaphor for sex. Everything is either an excuse to get out of sex or to have it again or to use it against someone else or to get hurt by it. Did I mention sex?

    😳 Venus in Sagittarius: Although you might say something with little tact to your lover, you never really mean to harm anyone by your words. You are all butterflies and sunlight. If people aren’t available a horse or a dog or a cat could be a great companion (wink/wink). You like Twinkies.

    😈 Venus in Capricorn: Not everyone can be a charming devil, a chess champion, a know-it-all and a needy lover, but you are. Cut your partner a little slack. They can’t be as erudite as you or as consistent as horseflies on poop. Get a whip.

    :java: Venus in Aquarius: The waterbearer likes to spread their contacts around, especially if you’re just being friends (or are as faceless as a mob) versus the solo act called by the rest of western civilization as a marriage commitment.

    😕 Venus in Pisces: You are the holy grail of love, when you’re not farking like rabbits in the drive-thru car wash. Can’t it wait till you get home? Or do you think sex can transform the everyday world like a dream where car-wash employees become oompa loompas in your weird gondola of psychedelic reverie?

  3. I was only 10 minutes late.

    I can’t decide if that was something I liked or not.

    Best to toss a coin I think

    *flip*

    😀

  4. When the moooooon is in the seventh house! And Jupiter aligns with Mars — Then Peace will guide the planets and LOVE will steer the stars!
    This is the dawning of the AGE of AQUARIUS, the age of Aquarius, Aquarius, Aquarius, Aquarius, Aquarius….

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  6. Mondays are for boyfriends, Tuesdays are for girlfriends. It’s less confusing that way.

    What’s this about Bush and the Oreo conspiracy? Sounds intriguing. Tell me about it and I’ll show you what I can do with duct tape. 😈

  7. I have absolutely no spiritual desire on this earth other than I wish for everyone in Heaven. Join this sinful mortal Upstairs after our lifelong demise. Our URL shows you the Way home.

  8. Five whole dollars! YES! Now I can buy holiday gifts for my friends! Let’s see… fruit pies, Day Planner, Rolaids, arsenic (but only if my Scorpio pals will use it to soak bread to throw to all the pigeons)…

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