Fun with Waitstaff

  1. As the waiter brings food to another table, pull out a shotgun and scream, “That’s my food! Goddamn, you thieving bastard!” and fire a warning shot into the waiter’s kneecap. Then look at the food, and with a confused look proclaim, “Oh, oops. That’s not what I ordered. My bad.”
  2. When they ask, “How does everything taste,” you answer, “Oh it’s de-LISH! Here, you try some. Now don’t be shy. Here comes the choo-choo train, open wide!”
  3. When they give you a complimentary breadbasket, jump up on the table and scream, “Free bread?!? Hallelujah!” and do cartwheels through the restaurant.
  4. Should you request an item that they are out of, such as the soup du jour, break down sobbing and exclaim between sobs that you, “Just can’t take anymore of this abuse.”
  5. If the waitress says, “Oh those taste really good,” respond with, “and just how would you know? Have you already tasted them? What else are you dipping your fat, greasy fingers into? The soup? Tiramisu? I don’t think I want to eat here. In fact, I’ve lost my appetite.”
  6. ”Did you say the special was… Chateaubriand? My… grandmother made that for me. Right before she died.”
  7. ”Oh… My… God… This tastes like, no it can’t be. It couldn’t be. No, it is. It’s… human flesh!”
  8. When they ask, “How is everything here,” you answer, “You know there are great meals and there are truly great meals. Meals that you write home about and meals that eventually become novels and oft talked about films. This one just sucks ass.”
  9. How do you annoy the waitstaff?

With assistance by Jason

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29 Replies to “Fun with Waitstaff”

  1. Are you kidding? That’s one group of people I go out of my way NOT to annoy. I like to have a little fun before ingesting someone else’s bodily fluids.

  2. I agree w/ AnnieB. I just run that scene from ‘Five Easy Pieces” in my head.

    Anyone remember the ad where the guy says “I didn’t want mayo…” and the waitress picks up the top slice of his sandwich and scrapes the mayo off on the edge of the table before replacing it? “There ya go hon.”

  3. I’m with AnnieB on this one, I make it a general rule never to stuff around with the person serving my food, while not grovelling, I believe in being polite in the vain hope sometimes, of getting the food served in a reasonable time frame and pretty close to what I ordered.

    I know, I’m no fun. 😛

  4. Back to movie quotes
    “She broke the cardinal rule. Never fuck with the person serving your food” from Waiting

    Added ingredients, famunga cheese, garlic salt, extra gravy and a sprig of parsley.

    Not unless thy are cooking it in front of my eyes do I mess with them. I’d rather pull out a gun at the DMV.

  5. If they say “We’re out of …”, I usually respond with a tongue-in-cheek “Well, I guess I’m going to have to kill you now.” In the States, I’d get busted for that. Up here in Canada it just gets a laugh.

    When asked how the food is, my usual response is “It’s edible.” Good waitstaff will stop and question you on that. The ones that don’t care will just keep walking.

  6. No soup for you!!

    Ask for the kids menu and crayons for everyone. Demand that each person get the similar sets of crayons and not the cup full of yellows and oranges.

    Like when we are children, make everything funny- Ha Ha Ha she just offered you the special man! Do you want coke to drink? No! But can I still get a straw with it and a blade?

    Continue to change tables about the restaurant making comments like ‘this just doesn’t feel right…’

  7. that’s so funny steviec. i always respond “edible” to the “how is your dinner” question and they never quite know what to do with that. just remember the way the fat waiter warmed up the french toast and got rid of the powdered sugar on road trip.

  8. Hooray for sticking up for your servers guys! w00t!
    I’m just gonna have to add myself to that list.
    Provided the waitstaff is atleast slightly attentive and god forbid, maybe even pleasant, I have no complaints. So I try not to give them any complaints about me!

  9. Mmmm I usually express myself in my tip. If the service was outstanding I leave a cash tip of 20%, if the service was OK I leave the tip added to my credit card, same 20%. If the service was in the toilet – not only is it included with my charge card, but its never more than $5, no matter what the total bill comes to. Then I never return to that establishment. 😕

  10. [Comment ID #171785 will be quoted here]

    Woah! You really stuck it to THEM. They might just go out of business without YOUR patronage. J/K. I was a waitress for a couple years, IT SUCKS! But, I still f**k with some waitstaff every now and then. I wait until the bill arrives though. If they were a real a**hole then I would drop a penny in my water glass, put the plastic covered menu over the cup and carefully flip the glass onto the table. Slide the menu out and, VOILA! A real gas. Although you don’t get to see the final outcome seeing as it requires you to hightail it outta there.
    💡

  11. I think most folks follow your guidelines Joe. I was referring to the demeanor to have BEFORE you get the bill. I wasn’t speaking of, nor am I overly concerned about, the SERVICE being in the toilet.

  12. If the waitstaff is female and hot-looking, I usually
    just pat their behinds and compliment their hairdos.
    If I get by with that, I tip;if not, I don’t.

  13. Looks like flash hasn’t been to a restaurant since the 1950’s.also don’t ask if they are going commando in their uniform.guarantees that you will be ingesting someone else’s bodily fluids.

  14. [Comment ID #171785 will be quoted here]

    I find that better than leaving a bad tip for crappy service (they forget bad tips quickly) is to leave 15% to the penny but then write on the check how awful the service was. That way, when the manager is auditing the checks that night, s/he will see it and address the issue. Since you tipped properly, the server cannot fault you as being a jerk. 😈

  15. Well Dave using that theory .. s/he could say … if I was such a bad waitperson why did he leave the proper tip? Acknowledging that I KNOW it’s a hassle, I’m pretty sure the management would prefer you address the issue with them at the time so that they would have the opportunity to apologize and try to entice you to come back. After the fact though, (writing on the check) the management doesn’t have much choice but to take the word of his employee and his/her side of the story. S/he could very well say you pulled a “Flash” on them and you were merely retaliating because they indicated they didn’t appreciate it. If the food sucks and you didn’t intend to go back anyway, well screw it … don’t waste your time.

    BTW Flash … how’s that working out for you? LOL What are your stats on that strategy? Tip 10%, Don’t tip 90%? You’re really just a cheap bastard, aren’t you? LOL

    Saying that “long story short” thing is really coming back to bite me in the ass. I’m surprised you guys haven’t called me on it. LOL

  16. [Comment ID #171801 will be quoted here]
    True, it probably is difficult to tip when lying on your ass on the floor after she (or her shaved gorilla boyfriend who happens to work there, too) takes offense. I’ve seen some really hot female waitstaff who could take down a water buffalo.

    😆

  17. Been known to leave a dime for lousy service and 20% for great service. Also have been known to write or call manager later, either to praise or complain. Always make sure I get wait person’s name. After a card of praise have been known to get a coupon for discount on next visit. That’s customer service! Did really like the glass on the table trick though. My luck I wouldn’t do it right and get a lap full of water myself. ❓

  18. [Comment ID #171788 will be quoted here]

    I’ve heard about this one all my life, but never tried it. Surely, as a former waitress, you know some trick to get rid of it without making a mess? E.g. put a bowl under the edge of the table, move the glass to the edge, and quickly flick it into the bowl?

    Drag the table into the freezer and leave it over night?

    Slip a menu back under the glass and reverse the process?

    I should try this some time. If I succeeded, it would make a dandy video on YouTube.

  19. Tip? You’re supposed to tip waiters/waitresses??

    Oh.

    Well, that certainly explains a few things… :puke:

  20. My late husband was a bartender most of his life, my stepdaughter has been a waitress, pizza driver and bartender at different jobs. My son-in-law has been everything from a pizza driver to a professional chef in some very swanky restaurants over the past 20 years.

    I NEVER mess with the wait staff. I’ve heard WAY too many stories about what happens, from the inside. I’ve also gotten and up-close-and-personal look at their jobs, and I know I don’t want them. Every time I go into a restaurant, I think this is somebody’s kid, I think of my own and I tip well.

    One incident that I’ve seen from the inside: I know of an excellent bartender who was continually asked out by a particularly obnoxious customer. She politely told him she didn’t date the patrons of her bar, but he would not take no for an answer. Instead of taking the hint and not coming around anymore, he went to her boss and complained that she treated him rudely and her boss nearly fired her.

    She kept her job, but she got her pound of flesh. Every night, she smiled big and gave him excellent service. When he left, she promptly rinsed his “special” beer mug in the toilet and replaced it in the cooler for his return. Everyone working in the bar knew (to make sure no one ELSE ever got the special beer mug) but the customer and the boss never found out. She worked there two more years before she found a better job.

    Bad service gets 15% and I don’t return. Good service gets 20% and my return. Excellent service gets 25% or more and I remember their name and ask to be seated in their area when I return. In turn, they remember my name and I ALWAYS get excellent service at any restaurant I patronize.

  21. [Comment ID #171810 will be quoted here]

    Yes, AnnieB, guilty as charged. I AM just a cheap
    bastard. Saves money. 🙄 🙄 👿 😀

  22. Flash … I knew you were being facetious darlink. I just couldn’t resist a smart ass retort.

    Affectionately ~ AB

  23. [Comment ID #171854 will be quoted here]

    Shaved gorilla boyfriend. I think I dated that guy. 😐

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