Tag: Observations

1. Briquette
2. Numismatist
3. Brown dwarf
4. Emo
5. Bamboozled
6. Gigaflop
7. Fatty Acids
8. Edutainment
9. Man’s man
10. What words annoy you?

1. When asked if you have food to declare, ask if human remains count.
2. Tell the patrol official to, “kindly hurry the fuck up.”
3. “No. You cannot look in my trunk. I just met you.”
4. As proof of ID, supply a pact with Satan written in blood.
5. “I’ll have a double cheeseburger and a large Coke.”
6. Recite your responses to the officials to the tune of the opera, Carmen.
7. Pull out one passport randomly from a large stack of them and say, “My name is Bourne. Jason Bourne.”
8. “You didn’t ask me what planet I was born on.”
9. “You know, you sure ask a lot of nosy questions for a rent-a-cop.”
10. What things do you think we shouldn’t do?

I’ve decided I really like the U-Scans at the grocery store because they still card me for beer.

Did you ever own a toy or object that you swore was made by a mentally unstable person? Back when I still dyed my hair colors not known to nature (early 80s) I did a lot of shopping in resale stores and church rummage sales.

At one particularly good rummage sale, I found a bin full of discarded dolls that might prove useful if dismembered and reassembled in some art experiment for school. My friend (another Dave) picked up a misshapen doll and quickly threw it back down, as if it had stung him. As soon as I saw it, I knew i had to buy it. At ten cents, it was a steal. Other Dave named it Weepy.

The more we stared at the doll, the more we were convinced it was made by a very disturbed person. The doll was handmade, sewn in some wretched Holly Hobby fabric with squat nubs for limbs. There were two round pockets on the front, where breasts should be, made from stained, yellow burlap. Sound revolting so far? It gets worse.

The face was a mirror. Yes, your face was reflected in this textile oddity. For hair, the creator had thoughtfully sewn on a squirrel’s tail, bones still intact. At some point, we went to a Nina Hagen concert and I gave it to her. The look she gave me was one of gratitude and surprise that someone had managed to freak even her out.

What creepy toys have you owned?

1. Southside Sommeliers
2. Cockney Scholars
3. Motown Pacifists
4. West Coast UNIX Programmers
5. Cleveland Pussies
6. The Cribs
7. T-Dot Poutineers
8. Well-Adjusted Youths of Baltimore
9. The Aristocrats
10. Which gang names would you like to see?

Based on an idea from Chris Barry

Dear Mistre Dave Zilla
Long time no here. Whats up?? i have an idea for you one that will go down in th anals and anuses of history.!!! I have bad gas. this is no surpriase. Aslk my 3 GFs. They all complane about the farts and want too smakc me when i giev them the old Ductch oven.oI love to fart especailly at work.So her is my genious idea..We have geneticall shots that you can get to make yourself smaerter, prettyer etc. Whty not have ringtones in your ass tyhat you get genetically put in and then you can replace that BLASPPPPPP with a phat beet?? RIGHT??now to top it all off. Lets add a nice smell to. so I can have a Molly Htachtett song AND my Drakkar. LOL!!! Now that is flirting with disasster. you love me one and All.

you could be wrong i could be right,
Yours in Dung,
The Sultan of Cleveland