Things you probably should avoid doing at the border patrol booth

  1. When asked if you have food to declare, ask if human remains count.
  2. Tell the patrol official to, “kindly hurry the fuck up.”
  3. “No. You cannot look in my trunk. I just met you.”
  4. As proof of ID, supply a pact with Satan written in blood.
  5. “I’ll have a double cheeseburger and a large Coke.”
  6. Recite your responses to the officials to the tune of the opera, Carmen.
  7. Pull out one passport randomly from a large stack of them and say, “My name is Bourne. Jason Bourne.”
  8. “You didn’t ask me what planet I was born on.”
  9. “You know, you sure ask a lot of nosy questions for a rent-a-cop.”
  10. What things do you think we shouldn’t do?
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Show 29 Comments


  1. Bigwavdave

    When crossing into Canada 10-15 years back on a fly fishing trip, we were asked if we “Had any weapons”. The smart ass in the back said “No, do we need them?” The female border guard was NOT amused.

  2. Bigwavdave

    1st in line? WooHoo :wang:

  3. Randy

    Yes sir , I sure did enjoy my vacation ! I cant believe how cheap the dope is ! Will someone down here do mail order when my stash runs out ? 8)

  4. Loli

    Ah, lo siento, no hablo ingles.

  5. Lake Effect

    When I was a kid, back in the 60s, our family vacations frequently took us across various US/Canadian border crossings. My dad (a ‘zilla’ before they were even invented…a neanderzilla?) would always have a wisecrack for the border guards. When they asked if he had anything to declare, he’d say, “Yeah, I declare that my wife talks too much” or “I declare that I need a restroom.” Once when asked the purpose of our visit to Canada, he whispered, “We’re runnin’ from the law.” How long have you been in Canada? “Long enough to want to kiss the ground in the US in a couple of minutes.” Are these people your family? “Whoa…how’d those suspects get in my car?”

    I guess things were a little more casual then. We’d be in stitches for hours, and they all became family legends. A few years ago, as he neared the last few days of his life, the family gathered at his side, and we all began reminiscing about these again (among many other things) and had him smiling and forgetting his pain for a little while.

  6. Yucca

    Whatever you do,don’t look in the trunk, ohhh I wouldn’t do that, OK suit yourself.

    (blinding flash and explosion, federale is vaporized and the 68 impala drives through East LA)

    Man it’s hot.

  7. Driver

    While punching numbers into a pocket calculator keep muttering ARM damn you ARM.

  8. It’s not food unless I make brownies out of it, right?

    Does your mother still do those donkey shows?

    How did you know I was a smuggler? Were you looking at my ass?

    Hypothetically, if there was contraband wedged tightly inside the interior panels of the car, how likely would it be that you would find it?

  9. It’s not food unless I make brownies out of it, right?

    Does your mother still do those donkey shows?

    How did you know I was a smuggler? Were you looking at my ass?

    Hypothetically, if there was contraband wedged tightly inside the interior panels of the car, how likely would it be that you would find it?

  10. So sorry, definately not good enough to post twice

  11. family jules

    When asked if you have any weapons, reach back and unveil a huge rocket launcher and ask, “Does this count?”

    Reply, “Only weapons of mass destruction, but you gotta find ’em first!” Then plaster a Hillary Clinton bumper sticker across his forehead and gun the accelerator while laughing insanely until shot dead.

    My father was Swedish and had an excellent accent. He had the answer for every stupid question known to man, including do you know how fast you were going?….or didn’t you see the flashing lights on my car? He would look at them blankly for a second or two and then his face would light up and in his best accent he would say…..”Nove shmosh kapop!” No matter what was asked from that point forward, the answer was always a blank stare and then, “Nove smosh kapop!” Finally they would just let him go.

    No one has ever known what it meant. Even my dad.

  12. Bjorn Freeh

    In November, 1976, at 2:00 in the morning, six of us students from Central Michigan University drove across the bridge at Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario. We wanted to see snow, drive into Canada, turn around and go home. At the toll side (American), we dropped off a full case of beer with the toll guy. We didn’t want problems entering Canada. Then, we drove across the bridge.

    The Canadian border guy: “What’s the purpose of your visit?”

    Student: “We just want to enter Canada, turn around and go home.”

    Canadian: “Where are you from?”

    Student: “Central Michigan University”

    Canadian: “Where is that?”

    Student (me, this time): “The… central… part… of… Michigan…”

    Canadian: “Pull over at that building, please.”

    After producing two pieces of ID each, I asked the person behind the desk what would have happened if we didn’t have enough ID. “Oh,” she said, “we’d have sent you right back.”

    “But… that’s all we wanted to do.” (At this, my friends grabbed me and pushed me out the door.)

    Getting back to the good ol’ USofA, the Customs guy asks, “How long were you in Canada?”

    Me: “About 5 minutes.”

    Just as he was going to point to the building for us to visit, the toll-guy trots over with our beer. We thanked him, put the beer in the trunk and the Customs guy just waved us through.

    So, never go to the border without beer.

  13. AnnieB

    Hey dude, what’s the name of your phone company? Taco Bell?
    hahahahahahaha Ow! Oops, sorry man! Ow! Just kidding! Ow!Somebody help meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee …

  14. molisha

    everyone in the van “BE STILL” 😈

  15. chainstay

    No I do not have any contraband, but I am open for new experiences if you are offering. Heck I’ll try anything once, what have you got?

  16. tinamarie

    Ask the border guard if he/she wants to see pictures of your pussy…then show him photos of Fluffy or Mr. Jingles, or whatever the hell it is you call your cat.

    Then again, you could just show pictures of your pussy.

    A second idea:
    Once you reach the guard shack, get out of the car announcing rather loudly that you know the whole drill from your days in prison. Then drop your pants, squat down low, grab both buttcheeks and spppprreeeeaaaad for the cavity search.

    See how fast those bastards tell you to get back in the car.

  17. tinamarie

    [Comment ID #202758 will be quoted here]

    LOL! My kids kept asking me what was so funny. How the heck do I explain the days of Ma Bell to them–it was so long ago!

  18. Spud

    I’d go with No:5 if we had borders to go through over this way…

  19. Nice uniform. Go on, sing us a few bars of YMCA!

    The purpose of my stay in the US? To take half a course of flying lessons, I guess.

    Did you ever dance with the Devil in the pale moonlight?

    I see you’ve noticed my ‘FORGET THE ALAMO’ T-shirt.

    Sheeesh, this border security ain’t nothing. You should try an Afghan-Pakistani checkpoint.

    What? A female guard? How is this that the Americans let the inferior sex do such an important work? Let me through woman! I have to go home to my wives!

    So Pal, what do YOU get paid by the hour…?

    Man, this is the first time I’ve crossed this river without getting wet.

    So is Kim Jong-il as short as he looks on TV?

  20. Memphisbandman

    In 1990, I was studying in Vienna. Taking a side-trip to Prague, the school’s guide/interpreter warned us NOT to play around with the border guards. It seems that a couple of years before, as the Czechoslovakian border guards were in the isles of the bus, some idiot figured that they didn’t speak English, and turned to his friend:
    “Man, they’ll NEVER find the marijuana!”

    They made every person line-up on the side of the road, and got a free pat-down search, and EVERY nook and cranny of the bus and their bags were searched. It took hours, and he DID speak English!

  21. Bigwavdave

    [Comment ID #202768 will be quoted here]

    I expected Aystrid to use this one! :wang:

  22. Flash Gordon

    Get out of my way, you fat-assed baboon! I’m on
    Dick Cheney’s staff and I’m armed. :wang: :wang: :dead:

  23. What is the purpose of your visit to the US?

    -If I told you I’d have to kill you!
    -I’m a professional sniper…
    -US?! When did I leave?!
    -Have many children and live on welfare in one of those fancy trailer parks. Gosh those must be some purdy places.
    -I come from the planet Zirthon and I have been sent to your “US” to singlehandedly terminate the being with highest intelligence. From what I’ve witnessed and the looks of you…well, lets just say you have absolutely nothing to worry about.

    Que trae de Mexico?
    -Mexicanos al grito de guEEeerra.
    -You mean I could’ve brought something back?!
    -Solo yo, me acompanas?

    True story:
    I was accused of stealing babies to sell because it’s more common that young women do such things.
    I laughed at every snide remark and attempt to break me all the while caring for these ‘stolen babies’, feeding, and rocking to sleep. Was there for four hours before we could get a hold of their mother, my cousin and she told them yes these were her babies and she had asked me to bring them home early. 5 minutes. I laughed on my way out replaying vividly and comedically the occurances of the past 4 hours. I was upset but they were FUMING 👿 ! 😈
    It was payback for them yelling at me when I was little cuz I wouldn’t answer their questions. 😉

  24. [Comment ID #202768 will be quoted here]

    [Comment ID #202792 will be quoted here]

    My phrase: I’ll try Anything once! Thrice if I don’t bleed!

  25. Nicolette

    :wtf: “!Tengo un Gato en mis Pantalones!” :wtf:

    😈 “Where do you put all the shit you guys seize? I wanna make a withdrawl!” 😈

  26. Bigwavdave

    I love the beer-zilla-girls!

  27. “Damn balloons… is there a bathroom nearby?” :wtf:

  28. Drusky

    -said in best Tommy Lee Jones (MIB) voice-
    “Son, you have no idea who you’re messing with…”

    “I’m smuggling a bunch of rich white people south to pick produce…”

    “I wanted to cross the border to see where my job ended up…”

    “Considering it might be Hillary or Rudi, you’re gonna see more of us…”

    “I was told that ZillaGirls love it when you ‘go south of the border'” 😛 :wang:

  29. I drove up to Calgary last week and, while driving through Montana, decided that I wanted nothing more than to drive up to the Canadian border crossing singing “GOTTA MAKE IT TO THE BORDER OF MEXIC–aww, shit.”

Comments are closed