Overheard: Southern Belle Edition

04 July, 2006Posted inObservations16 Comments
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Fun with Hummers

03 July, 2006Posted inObservations44 Comments
I hate Hummers. Not so much the vehicle. The drivers. You have to figure, anyone who drives one in a city has issues. Why? Simple. Out of every ten Hummers you see parked, five of them will be either: double, triple or quadruple parked (as shown above), over a curb, in a Handicapped spot or in a compact car space (also shown above). While I don't approve of keying vehicles, I do feel we need to show Hummer drivers what we think of them. Glue plastic army men all over the hood (bonnet). Use two part epoxy for a permanent…

Steven shocks

02 July, 2006Posted inObservations21 Comments
In the summer of 1978 I landed my first job at a tropical fish store. It was perfect; one mile from home, free pot and discounts on the fish supplies (important to me as I had 14 aquariums at the time). There was a local eccentric named Steven that spent his afternoons in the fish store. He was 31 and worked as a gas station attendant, back in the days when "full service" meant something. Steven was proud of his job and would regale us with his tales of the dangers involved in tow truck operation. I must have heard…

More people we dislike #9: Airplane edition

29 June, 2006Posted inOriginal Humor49 Comments
The woman in the aisleway who prevents anyone from boarding the plane because she is busy art directing her luggage in the overhead compartment, rather than stuffing it in there and sitting down. The couple who ignore their screaming toddler for the duration of the flight. The wheezing sleeper I always get stuck next to. The flirty girl who wants to talk to me about Jesus. The mullet boy who asks me if I, "Got anyfing ta eat." The attractive woman who sexily slips off her pumps to reveal feet that smell like gangrenous musk oxen. The "religious expert" who…

Meet the Democrats

23 June, 2006Posted inObservations42 Comments
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Name that Yoga technique

11 June, 2006Posted inObservations28 Comments
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Creepy things to ask at hardware stores

09 June, 2006Posted inObservations31 Comments
Ask if the woodchippers can handle human limbs Tell the salesclerk you need some bent nails to hammer around corners with. Inquire "hypothetically" how much lye is needed to bury say… a dozen bodies? Ask which cleansers get out all traces of DNA. Walk through the saw aisle and mutter to yourself that, "…the job will be messy". Beg the clerk to show you which tools were used in Saw II. "Nail guns. Which one has the same range as a real gun? I need to make it look like an accident." Go in the gun aisle and ask if…

Little known facts about me.

06 June, 2006Posted inObservations29 Comments
The answers to the ten questions I get asked most often. Your mission is to determine what those questions are. I write my name in the snow with it. Yes. An old pussy with short, black hair. She uses a long strap to hold it up with. Yes, but I was young and needed the money. Several times. Getting it from the back hurt the most. Yes. She often ends up licking mine, too. I stopped doing that. I heard you can go blind. I kept him locked in a cage with his friends, down in my basement. One by…

20 ways to be left alone at work

19 May, 2006Posted inObservations35 Comments
Grag your phone when it isn't ringing and scream, "Stop taunting me like this!" Show up doused in White Out. Tell everyone you're just trying to cover your past mistakes. Announce that tomorrow you will bring fruit salad for the entire office. Use durian. Add, "Please see attachments," to every email you send. Include JPGs of Captain Crunch or He-Man. Learn to whistle through your nose. Deny doing it. Announce in a worried tone that your pet Hobo spider is missing. Ask Human Resources what their policy is on chronic bedwetters. When asked what you did on vacation, reply sincerely,…

Kill a Man in Unexpected Ways

17 May, 2006Posted inObservations39 Comments
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