Creepy things to ask at hardware stores

  1. Ask if the woodchippers can handle human limbs
  2. Tell the salesclerk you need some bent nails to hammer around corners with.
  3. Inquire “hypothetically” how much lye is needed to bury say… a dozen bodies?
  4. Ask which cleansers get out all traces of DNA.
  5. Walk through the saw aisle and mutter to yourself that, “…the job will be messy”.
  6. Beg the clerk to show you which tools were used in Saw II.
  7. “Nail guns. Which one has the same range as a real gun? I need to make it look like an accident.”
  8. Go in the gun aisle and ask if anyone wants to play, “The Most Dangerous Game”
  9. Get on the speaker and calmly state, “Murder in Aisle Two. Cleanup needed. Aisle Two, please.”
  10. What things would you ask?
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Show 31 Comments


  1. Timm

    Ask if there is a rat poison that doesn’t leave an after-taste.

  2. Tina Marie

    Ask if the 3″ diameter PVC pipe comes with anal lube.

  3. Pick an axe, a shovel and while carrying them ask what’s their best blood-removing cleaning solution…

  4. Walk in wearing a ‘The Passion of the Christ’ T-Shirt and start comparing nail sizes by putting them up to your hand.

    ‘Hey Buddy. Do you reckon this sheet sander could remove Spandex?’

    ‘Don’t you have any smaller cans of solvent? Like for example, one that would fit into this paper bag?’

    ‘Well, the manual was badly translated from Arabic but I ‘think’ what I’m looking for is called ammonium nitrate.’

  5. bhamm

    – Ask what kind of electric saw is strong enough to cut through bone.
    – Look at the sandpaper and then at your arm repeatedly. Ask if sandpaper will help remove the germs. The germs that are all over you. Right this second. PLEASE, GOD HELP!
    – Over at the toilet section, “See, I’m throwing this party next week and I need to know… how much vomit will this toilet hold before it needs flushed?”
    – Run up and down the isle with a hacksaw yelling “Here, Kitty Kitty!” When asked if you need help, answer “No thanks, just taking it for a test drive.” Repeat with a larger hacksaw.
    – “Hypothetically… If someone painted you somewhere… could you put paint thinner up there to clean it out?”
    – Ask if they have allen wrenches. When they say yes, breathe a huge sigh of relief, dial a number on your cell phone, and say “It’s okay, honey, you’re going to live!”
    – “Would a large enough bug zapper work on those damn kids?”

  6. Spud

    What things would you have the apprentice ask for?

    Bloody glad you asked Dave, here’s a couple that spring to mind…

    1. Have the apprentice ask the clerk for a long weight
    2. Have the apprentice ask the clerk for a left handed hammer
    3. Have the apprentice ask the clerk for a can of striped paint
    4. Have the apprentice ask the clerk for a bag of sky hooks
    5. Have the apprentice ask the clerk where the automatic hammers are


  7. Mandy

    [Comment ID #61708 will be quoted here]

    LOL! :kiss:

  8. Paige

    Buy some duct tape, rope, rat poison, a claw hammer, a shovel and a roll pf plastic bags. Then, ask the clerk what they are doing this weekend.

  9. Bjorn Freeh

    Would you like to watch the single-pole, double-throw male plug and the three-way female receptacle couple and uncouple? There’s a hands-on demonstration going on now in aisle 3… :geek:

  10. mikeB

    Don’t forget the classics: What’s a henway?
    Do you carry bats’ dicks? No? How about monkey cock? No? How about moth balls?

  11. Kate

    [Comment ID #61779 will be quoted here]

    :what would a person hypotheticly drunk do with this shovel?
    :why do you talk differnt that you did befor?
    :walk up to the clerk and say “why in gods name did you decide it would be cute to pute a shovel next to the axes?” see if they go check the last guy i did this to did ha loser 😆 :mrgreen: 😈

  12. Beaner

    mothballs, hee heei like the classics!

  13. MrDoug

    Great ideas for fathers day but where is the blow job in that list? Needs work.

    How long should it take to dig a 6X2X6 foot hole?
    Do you think I could cut the cheating whores fingers off with these?
    Does this starter fluid have enough ether to knock someone out?
    Is this tarp strong enough to carry a body?
    Do you have anal probes?
    Do you have to wait till the blood dries before you paint over it?
    How do you bypass the circuit breaker in the bathroom?

  14. mikeme

    Will these jumper cables start my dead computer?

  15. mikeB

    [Comment ID #61779 will be quoted here]

    Forgot the punchline to my own joke! 😳
    What’s a henway? Oh, about 3-5 pounds.

    Also, “How do you install a camera in the ladies room?”

  16. terlmanversion3

    does this ducttape have 24-hour noise reduction capacitiy?
    these staplers,can they be used to attach the tape to skin annd FLLUEESHHH?
    these razor blades-please,how much pain per stab do they inflict?
    annd,and the large plastic pull-and secure thingies,
    if i was to choke you with it ,would you be able to remove it? no?
    good ,i’ll have all you’ve got.
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  17. Jeffro

    True story,
    I sent the new kid at our dealership to the parts store for a two- eighths drill bit. I told him if they didn’t have that one, a four- sixteenths would work. He drove all over town looking for those bits.
    I don’t know which is funnier. The fact that he never caught on or that none of the 8 or 9 parts stores did. :wtf:

  18. Flash Gordon

    What tool can you suggest for circumcising a bear?
    Pick up a bushhook and start screaming in Farsi.
    Ask if they have any silver ball-scratchers and if they can demonstrate
    them. 😕 :wang: :boob: :boob: :wtf:

  19. Pappy

    “What’s the best ladder for peeking in second story windows?”
    “Can you recommend the best washing machine to get bloodstains out of clothes?”
    “If I take a dump in my flowerbed, will it work just as well as this manure?”

  20. Drusky

    >”Which power drill and bit would you recommend for severe constipation?”
    >Pick out a power washer and ask the clerk “will this clean my kid’s teeth better than that pussy WaterPik?”
    >”Do you have a bug zapper small enough to fit into my bird feeder?”
    >”My Sawsall keeps jamming from all the bone and teeth fragments. Can you recommend a good lubricant?”
    >”Yes, can you help me? I own a pet store and I really need a powerful, self cleaning garbage disposal that won’t jam…” 😈

  21. Anita Mann-Badley

    [Comment ID #61807 will be quoted here]

    How about the fact that he got paid to cruise town in somebody else’s truck? 😆

  22. Alayna

    [Comment ID #61710 will be quoted here]

    Ya But i dont get it… ❓

  23. lil miss tickle

    [Comment ID #61895 will be quoted here]

    the answer to that is no, if you eat meat than your dump will kill the plants, manure is from animals who just eat plants, that is why it is healthy for the plants. 😀 I hope you got all that. lol 😆

  24. Alayna

    [Comment ID #62122 will be quoted here]

    not mandy but the one mandy quoted look it up

  25. Evil Alayna

    – which one of these will hurt but not kill my dog? my parents would kill me if i killed it, better yet do you have somthing to remove it’s voice box?
    =hand the cashier a buck and ask where the “item” is (or you can substitue the word item for a drug of your choice)
    -i am plasierising this one but it is funny: dodge between aisles singing “mission inpossible’s theme song”. And when they ask you to stop yell, “You’ll never take me alive!”

  26. Evil Alayna

    [Comment ID #62125 will be quoted here]

    i really do love my dog. 😛

  27. Goth Princess

    I feel like being murderous so let me think a seocnd.
    How many times would this knife be able to rip flesh before it breaks?
    Can this chainsaw do the same as that one in the horror movie?

  28. (Walking down an aisle with nuts and bolts with any small project in hand)

    Clerk: Hey you want’a screw for that?
    You: No, but would you take a blow job for that hasp?

  29. charlie

    All apologies to Drusky, but a good friend of mine regularly asks store clerks if they have any bug zappers with hummingbird feeders inside. He has yet to find one (or so he claims).

  30. Meagan

    Maybe for Father’s Day I’ll get my dad a map of the local Home Depot. He always gets frustrated in there because he thinks it’s too big and can’t find anything.

    “Excuse me sir, which type of wood burns the fastest? I want to burn me some witches.”

  31. brianne

    >>do u have the actual chainsaw that was on texas chainsaw massicure? >>what would be the best tool to kill someone with? >>and is it traceble?

    run up and done the aisles screaming “u cant find me” “i see dead people” “kitties are eating me alive!!” and/or singing “i’m a little teapot” 😀 😀

Comments are closed