Davezilla.com

Year: 2009

  • Zap! You’re pregnant

    Zap! You're pregnant. That's Witchcraft

  • Sex on a Hot Tin Roof

    I used to have a cat named Sex. I didn’t name it. My roommate Chris H. had the honors. He was inspired by a mutual friend, Kevin F. who had cats named Gravity and Reality. Chris’ rationale was it would be hilarious to yell “SEEEEEEEEX! Here Sex! Come on, pussy,” across the neighborhood. Consequently we found other amusing things about that name.

    1. “Don’t be afraid of Sex, unless she bites or scratches.”
    2. “Hey. Sex is waiting for you, outside that door. Right now.”
    3. “You hurt Sex!”
    4. “Haven’t you been paying any attention to Sex?”
    5. “Is Sex all you think about?”
    6. “How much does Sex weigh?”
    7. “I keep playing with Sex, but she just lays there.”
    8. “I saw Sex running through the house.”
    9. “There’s Sex on the walls.”
    10. “Sex was messy.”
    11. “Wow, there’s Sex toys everywhere.”
    12. “Sex is fast. She was here for only a minute.”
    13. “We got Sex from the Humane Society.”
    14. “Are you interesting in buying Sex?”
    15. “I am not playing with Sex until that poor pussy has had a trim.”
    16. “Having Sex really helps with our mouse infestation.”
    17. “I woke up early, looking for Sex all over the house.”
    18. “You want Sex? Try the litterbox.”
    19. “Don’t open that door! Sex will run away and never come back!”
    20. What would you have yelled to a cat named Sex?

    Hey. We were 18.

  • More People We Can Safely Dislike #23: Travel Edition

    Oh my readers, I have not abandoned you. I am working myself to death slowly. I’ve been in 5 states in four days. Anyway, all this travel got me hating on folks again, so here’s my travel edition of more people we can safely dislike.

    UPDATE: No idea how comments got turned off! They are back on.

    1. The guy on the plane who keeps kicking the back of your seat
    2. The woman who comes back from the airplane lavatory with a fresh gallon of perfume on
    3. The psycho next to you who is afraid of flying and keeps grabbing your arm every time turbulence bumps the plane
    4. The douchebag who refuses to turn off his iPod, delaying the flight by 20 minutes
    5. The geriatric couple who can’t figure out how to put their luggage through the X-ray and end up getting frisked at gunpoint by the FAA
    6. The oversexed couple who are nervously making numerous bathroom trips to prep for their Mile High Club initiation
    7. The “important executive” who—like the iPod douchebag—delays takeoff because he needs to make “one more call to his secretary”
    8. The cheesedick who thinks you are genuinely impressed that he can send texts on his Crackberry
    9. The creep who is watching a porn DVD on his laptop. He is seated next to a 10 year-old girl.
    10. The Bible salesman who is insistent on saving your soul; or at least saving you 10% on a leatherbound King James

    Which travelers do you hate?

  • Nothing to see here folks

    In the interest of job preservation, I have never blogged about work. I’m going to tonight, but I am not pulling a Dooce. This is just something odd that happened today.

    My fiancée and I both work at the same agency, but on different floors. I went up after work to see what time she was leaving since it was well after 5:00. The janitor was curled up in a chair, moaning slowly like, “Ohhhhhhhhh, Ughhhhhhhhh…” as if in extreme pain. I walked over and tapped her on the shoulder.
    Me: “Miss, are you, OK?”
    Janitor: “Dammit! Can’t you see I’m on the PHONE!”

    I mean, what do you say to that?

  • Caption Time #292

    Caption Time #292

    Oh, Japan. You vex me so.

  • Thanks, no.

    truth-in-advertising

  • Really? Also, um OWWWW!

  • Google has some interesting autofill suggestions

    Ever noticed how Google will start to autofill suggestions as you type? This can lead to some pretty weird suggestions (which means all of us are typing in some really weird things numerous times). This is what I got by typing in “what are these s” and waiting for it to suggest something.

    what-are-these

    Some other fun ones to try:

    1. what are these p; 4th result is, “What are these purple boxes in trees?”
    2. what are these t; 6th result is, “What are these things on my face?”
    3. why did you a; 3rd result is, “Why did you apply methylene blue to the slide with your cheek cells?”
    4. why did you p; 5th result is, “Why did you plaster over the hole I punched in the door?” (Bare Naked Ladies lyric?), 7th result is, “Why did you pour ink on my head?”
    5. why did you t; 7th result is, “Why did you think a giant bubble?”
    6. why did you s; 1st result is, “Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80?”

  • Caption Time #291

    Caption Time #291

  • I don’t even know where to begin…

    I do not even know where to start

  • Caption Time #290

    Caption Time #290

  • More Unfortunate URLs

    Haven’t done these in a few years! The following URLs are all unintentionally funny and all real companies.

    1. 1hourscrap.com
    2. achildshaven.com
    3. amigonefuneralhome.com
    4. apetit.com
    5. blindsexpress.com
    6. cumbooks.co.za [A Christian bookstore offering “Cum Blessings”]
    7. pro-lapse.com
    8. doggiestyles.co.uk
    9. ferrethandjobs.com [My personal favorite]
    10. ilovebigals.com
    11. ladrape.co.uk
    12. masterbaitonline.com
    13. michaelspornanimation.com
    14. oddsexchange.com
    15. oldmanshaven.com
    16. penisland.net [A Zilla Girl Destination]
    17. semensemble.org
    18. therapistschoice.com
    19. www.anker.com