Collective Nouns for Web 2.0

31 October, 2009Posted inObservations9 Comments
Back in the Middle Ages, knowing what collective noun was applied to a group of animals was taken quite seriously. We all know the common ones, such as herd of cows, a pack of dogs, a flock of birds, but there were plenty of obscure ones like an exaltation of larks, a murder of crows, a shrewdness of apes, etc. Time for some new collective nouns for Internet groupings. If a group of whales is a pod, is a group of teenagers an iPod? A nuisance of 4Chan members A nest of Tweeple (Twitter users) A channel of YouTube watchers…

How to Speak Waiter

20 October, 2009Posted inObservations16 Comments
"I made this drink special for you. It has a unique, subtle flavor.""I've added a toxic cleaning chemical to poison you. Can you guess what it is before the EMT arrives?" "May I take this out of your way?""You selfish bastard. You're taking up a table for four by yourself during our dinner rush. I will continue to remove things until it soaks through your proto-hominid skull that you're not wanted." "How is everything tasting?""I don't give a shit how my service is, so I won't ask you about it." "Small, medium or large?""Just choose the large, fat-ass." "Would you…

How to read a real estate ad

18 September, 2009Posted inObservations15 Comments
Baroque = Broken Casual Living = Your neighbors have a refrigerator on their front lawn Charming = Corners don't line up. Sagging porch. Country Living = Your street will never see a snow plow. Cozy = Cramped Diverse Wildlife = Raccoons will raid your garbage. Bats will roost in your attic. Coyotes will eat your dog. Bears will eat your children. Urban Setting = Ghetto Family-ready = Previous tenants left toys everywhere Historic = Has ghosts Interesting History = Has murderous ghosts Laid-back Lifestyle = Retirement Community Outdoor fire-pit = Previous owner burned the garage to the ground. Private Drive…

More People We Dislike #24

15 September, 2009Posted inObservations22 Comments
Brake tappers. Coffee drinkers who put perform an ongoing series of sugar modifications to their drinks, as if testing them for glucose tolerance. Couples in matching sweaters. Joggers who actually just walk, but pretend to run as soon as another pedestrian approaches, then promptly resume trudging along as soon as they pass them. Customers in restaurants who make so many substitutions to an item, that it becomes an entirely different menu item, but when this is pointed out to them, will argue that their substitutions are clearly superior. Businesspeople who think spinning text in their Powerpoint presentations makes them edgy.…