Tag: Observations

  • Note to Self, No. 6,502

    Find a way to change our appearance. This year, I was told no less than 19 times to “Have a safe 4th of July,” indicating that I somehow resemble the Latchkey, redneck children that seem to lose useful parts of their anatomy each July by securing coal mine explosives in their teeth or in the…

  • Might want to rethink that name…

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  • If fruits had a class structure

    Doesn’t it seem like certain foods, fruits in particular, have a class association with them? Here’s what I mean by that: Apples: A good, standard fruit, The working man’s fruit. Apples appeal to the common man as well as to ideals, possibly owing to their dubious Biblical connections in Genesis. A damn fine fruit. Avacadoes:…

  • Translation exercise

    In all likelihood, the BMW-owning yuppie fucktard that ordered this plate meant it to imply SLEEP WITH ME. But is that really what he meant? I can think of a few other translations and I’m sure you can, too. SLeeP WiTh MainE SLaP WhiTe MicE ScaLloPs With TiME Sea Lions Pay Willingly To Mount Emus…

  • Things to yell when some idiot is using their cell phone in the restroom

    “Is that your wife? Does she know you’ve been sacked?” “Oh yeah, baby! Do it to me like you did in prison. That’s it! Right there.” “Hey, get off that phone! We got more work to do. This bank ain’t gonna rob itself!” “Dude is that, my wife’s lingerie you’re wearing?” “Oh my God! You…

  • How I plan 2 destroy the world

    Dear WORLD, U ar in a lot of troubel with me!!! I have had it for the last time and this is the last straw. My Mom put me in timeout agen! No way.!! So I made use of the time 2 make my Master Plan of Escape and also a Super Wepon of Destructshun.…

  • Things You Never Want to Hear Your Doctor Say

    Well, would ya look at that! Uh oh, that is not supposed to happen. Christ, better get out the book. Does this hurt? No? That doesn’t hurt. You’re kidding, I hit it with a hammer. Have the folks at Guinness Book of World Records been in touch? They probably have a section for … these…

  • The day I realized Santa was fake

    It was Christmas Eve and I was five years old. Me: “Mom?” Mom: “Yes, honey?” Me: “This package says it’s from Santa.” Mom: “It is! What did you ask him for?” Me: “I don’t know. But it looks like your writing.” Mom: “Uhhh, yes he asked me to write it for him.” Me: “Hmph.” Christmas…

  • An open letter to the people of Great Britain

    Dear Brits, It’s been a while since we’ve spoken. You’ve been busy pontificating that your music is still relevant and we’ve been busy getting our ass kicked in a war we didn’t vote for. I thought it might be time to clear up some things. Perhaps it’s in poor taste to tell others you’re Great…

  • HPC: Reusable Condom [NSFW]

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  • Welcome to New Mexico!

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