Davezilla.com

Tag: Observations

  • Things I don’t understand:

    1. Why coffee isn’t an essential food group.
    2. Why all sitcom fathers are bumbling idiots.
    3. Why on commercials, when a family sits down for dinner, everyone nods in unison.
    4. Why talentless mouthbreathers like Paulie Shore, Carrot Top, Jessica Simpson and Starr Jones continue to get contracts to be in front of a camera.
    5. Why most of the Midwest still dresses like it’s 1987.
    6. Why none of Donald Trump’s assistants have the balls to tell him how bad his toupée looks.
    7. Why most women begin collecting Hummel figurines as soon as they turn 50.
    8. Why I am still getting three copies of GQ and Maxim every month.
    9. Why the most irritating commercials often air twice in a row.
    10. Why Tony Danza still has a show.

  • Ruminations

    Anyone who has ever been in a a car with a woman for more than five miles knows one immutable fact: they have to pee already. They went while getting ready to leave. Right as you held the door open for them, they ran back in to pee once more. Now that you have been driving for ten minutes, they need to pull over and pee again. No doubt, the first thing they will do on arrival is pee again.

    This leads me to one inescapable conclusion. Cows, deer and other ruminants have four-chambered stomachs. Women, have four-chambered bladders.

  • Cougar, redefined

    After my recent post about cougars, many of you demanded to see examples. Flickr to the rescue. This woman is easily the best example of a cougar I’ve ever seen.

  • True story

    Earlier this week my 19 year-old brother was laying in his bedroom trying to take an afternoon nap. He heard the front door open to the apartment. He figured our dad had gotten off work early. He hears the fridge open and close and then he hears someone in the bathroom. Then suddenly he hears this extremely loud pounding. Wondering what the hell my dad is doing my brother jumps up and opens his bedroom door! Only to find a naked woman beating the shit out of my dad’s bedroom door (he keeps it locked at all times) The woman was yelling “Oh this shit is gonna stop”. My brother tried talking the woman into leaving and explained that she must have the wrong apartment. It didn’t work! He ended up having to go to the neighbors apartment to call the cops. They live in a pretty small town in Kansas and stuff like this is really unusual! Well, the cops got the naked woman restrained and took her downtown. Afterwards my brother goes to use the bathroom…The woman had taken a crap all over the bathroom and used my brother’s boxers to wipe. All the while my dad is at work!

    I have heard from my Dad that the cops believed the woman to be mentally unstable and I’ve also been told that the woman is a big druggie and alcoholic. Either way it cracks me up that a naked woman breaks into a house…grosses me out that she crapped all over though. Worst part…The cops let her go the next day.

    I searched the local newspapers but couldn’t find any stories on it. I was hoping to just send you a link but I guess this will have to work. Tonganoxie KS is the town this occured in.

    Guest Author: Nina

  • What I’m havin’ for lunch.

    Crack Sandwich

  • Overheard: Insane neighbors edition

    Cougar: “You didn’t use the ice from the green tray, did you?
    Boyfriend: “Yes … why?”
    Cougar: “That ice is stale! It’s been in the freezer for months.”
    Boyfriend: “How can ice go stale? It’s frozen water.”
    Cougar: “Well, I say it can!”

    [Definition of Cougar]

  • You find the strangest things on Google

    Man dressed as an aerosol spray can

  • In the news

    I was reading in the news that Britney Spears finally pushed out a puppy. Preston Michael Spears. I fear for this child having the initials “PMS”, while his mother’s are “BS”.

  • More things that sound dirty, but aren’t

    1. Draining his pasta
    2. Cleaning her lint trap
    3. Rearranging her bookshelves
    4. Checking her fluid levels
    5. Soaking the dentures
    6. Uncorked her champagne
    7. Filing her taxes
    8. Grinding the beans
    9. Polishing the boots
    10. Licking her stamp collection
    11. Winding her clock
    12. Counting her rosary beads
    13. Sending out the invitations
    14. Flipping her hotcakes
    15. Burning his CD
    16. Waxing her hood
    17. Blowing out the candle
    18. Carving the pumpkin
    19. Booking her tickets
    20. Refinish her end table

  • Malapropisms and mispronunciations

    1. “perifeal vision” (heard on CNN)
    2. “samwichiz (heard on CNN)
    3. “perdickuler” (neighbor)
    4. “fedral mandrate” (heard on CSPAN2)
    5. “teepanated” (heard at work)
    6. “for all intensive purposes” (heard on CNN)
    7. “lack toast and tolerant” (heard at work)
    8. “I guess it was just a pigment of my imagination.” (same neighbor)
    9. “My glasses were so foggied up with compensation.” (heard at Pier One)
    10. “Michael Jackson sleeps in a hyperactive chamber.” (heard at Starbucks)

  • Note to Self, No. 5,713

    How is it that women can turn three drawers of delicates into 35 book boxes weighing 70 lbs. a piece? By the way, despite having miraculous rejuvenation properties, Lime Gatorade and Peanut M&Ms do not taste too good together.

  • Note to Self, No. 5,707

    Tuna on pumpernickel does not go well with V-8 and lite strawberry yogurt. Excuse me now, I need to be sick.