Tag: Observations

Every year in the Mongol Empire, circus performers from the Far East and would arrive to demonstrate feats of skill and daring and 1169 C.E. was no different. It was this year that a small girl-child named Temüjin would see the circus for the first time.

While the tigers, elephants, camels and phoenixes were impressive enough to the young girl, it was the knife-throwing act that kept her spellbound, until an errant throw sent a knife hurtling in her direction. Without even thinking, she stood up, turned precisely 62° clockwise, and caught the blade expertly in her peg-like baby teeth. Needless to say, she got a standing ovation from all, especially her father who quickly sold her off to the Ringmaster as “Baby Ghengis, Marvel of the Mongol Empire.”

Her career skyrocketed and Baby Ghengis soon found herself playing in small Brooklyn nightclubs, decades before Brooklyn had been discovered by the Vikings. Baby Ghengis soon learned that throwing knives was an excellent way to scare the bejeesus out of strangers. She decided to leave the circus, move to Australia and form an army.

Australia turned out to be a bust. Nothing but bored marsupials, poisonous snakes and apathetic Aboriginals. Heading back north on a Princess cruise ship, Ghengis decided that the only way she could be taken seriously was to become a man. At the Hong Kong port, she made her way through dank alleys in search of a doctor who was willing to give her gender reassignment surgery.

Back then, sex changes were somewhat primitive in nature and Ghengis found herself staring at her new penis: a large, Polish dill pickle sewn to her mons pubis. It had been spray-painted a realistic flesh tone and bore the surgeon’s signature and official Franklin Mint Collection number in 14k gold. Now a man, Ghengis moved back to Mongolia and rented a timeshare condominium from Lao Tse’s grandson where he spent his afternoons plotting world domination and strategic gardening possibilities.

THE END

1. “There’s worse things out tonight then those creatures.”
   “Like what?”
   “Like me.”
2. “We got something special, babe. Real special. Now ditch the bra and get back onstage.”
3. “Don’t go out there. You’ll only get killed. Ben needs you. I need you.”
4. “This knife belonged to my great granddaddy. Killed a lot of Indians with it. Now it’s my turn.”
5. “You think I’m nothing cause I come from the streets, huh? You think you’re better than me? Cause you went to school and learnt things? Is that what you think?”
6. “A girl’s gotta use what she’s got. I mean, whatever it takes, right? All’s fair in love and war.”
7. “I ain’t afraid of him. I’ll toss him around like yesterday’s news.”
8. “You better slow down, pal.”
   “Just keep ’em coming. In fact, give me the whole bottle.”
9. “He’s an android, kid. He can’t feel.”
10. Which clichés have I missed?

1. Three course picnic, wine coolers and those adorable glasses from Target!
2. “Do fish prefer Andes’ Mints or Truffles as bait?”
3. “What do you mean, our laughing is scaring away the fish?”
4. “I’m not sure how good these silver hooks are, but aren’t they cute?”
5. “Do these waders make my butt look big?”
6. I’m sure I missed a few, but I am really tired

1. OMGWTFLOLBBQ!!!1!
2. Tuxedo t-shirts
3. Two strippers at the reception. One each for the Groom and the Best Man
4. Kegger
5. Centerpieces would consist of the TV Guide and a remote
6. 60″ LCD TV for watching the game during the service
7. Bridesmaid Wet T-Shirt Competition
8. In place of the Top 40 DJ, Motorhead will be playing a private concert
9. Hockey jerseys for the Ushers
10. What else would men plan?

1. No matter how many women a man sleeps around with, he can always get his true love back by making puppy dog eyes at her in a nightclub
2. While Latino men need to bundle up in thick winter coats in Southern California, Latina women find that hot pants and a sequined bra are the perfect outfit for any weather condition: hot, cold or monsoon
   
3. Cellphones have outstanding reception, even in remote Mexican ghost towns
4. Drum machines are actually powered by an old Cuban man with a straw hat and congas
5. It is not only acceptable to go to a formal dance in Doc Martens and black lingerie, it is admirable; within minutes, everyone in the room will follow suit by losing their suits
6. Every small town has a black tie nightclub, in which all cheating lovers can be found
7. All bouncers have greased-back ponytails
8. Low riders bounce perfectly to Reggaeton beats
9. The better a Latina is dressed, the more likely she is to get nasty in an oily, mechanic’s garage
10. What have you learned?

1. Mountain Gorilla Fresh
2. Rainy Dog Fur
3. Breezy Cheeses
4. Gym Locker Fresh
5. Chernobyl Springtime
6. Bacterial Orange
7. Junkyard breeze
8. Sowheto Morning
9. Durian Orchard
10. What scents would you reject?

The next time you have sushi, and have a large cut on your finger, avoid touching the wasabi. Over the years, I’ve severed my thumb, been stung by a disenchanted lionfish and fallen down a flight of marble steps on my head. They pale in comparison to this. Sixteen hours later and it still feels like God stuck fire ants under my skin with orders to kill.

Art Director: “So… where do you work?”
Me: “I’m in Digital. I work on social media. I do ethnographic analysis of blogs, metaverses, wikis, that sort of thing.”
[ pause ]
Art Director: “Oh. So, you make Webs?”

Starbucks Customer: “I want a late coffee, please.”
Barista: “Excuse me, a what coffee?”
Starbucks Customer: “Late coffee.”
Barista: “OK, that one I haven’t heard before. Can you describe it?”
Starbucks Customer: “Oh fer Chrissakes, It’s on yer goddamn menu up there!”
Barista: [ Looks where woman is pointing ] “That says latté, not late.”

Biker: “You sure wear a lot of white. Like every damn day.”
Me: “Well, yeah. I guess I do.”
Biker: “Where you work at? A hospital? You a orderly?”
Me: “Oh no. I work at an advertising agency.”
Biker: “And they make you wear white every day? I would fucking quit.”

Took this in Detroit a few weeks ago. This just makes me giggle.

1. Velvet Lounge Usage: “The Velvet Lounge is open for business.”
2. Hip Sconce Usage: “The hip sconce needs attending to.”
3. Soft Cloth Car Wash* Usage: “Like a run through the ole Soft Cloth Car Wash?”
4. LOLPUSSEH Usage: “Lolpusseh am in ur unerwarez, taunting ur mens.”
5. Spadina Usage: “That’s a rather large Spadina you have there.”
6. What are your personal names for girly bits? Please don’t be too gross.

With assistance from the lovely Natalie

See also: Unused euphemisms for boy bits

1. Atrocious Mushroom Usage: “Then he pulled out his Atrocious Mushroom…”
2. Pleasure Girder* Usage: “He ravished me with his Enormous Pleasure Girder.”
3. Fun Log Usage: “Hey, baby. Bet ya never seen a Fun Log like this.”
4. Pink Zucchini* Usage: “I was tending the Pink Zucchini.”
5. Land Eel Usage: “Don’t be frightened. That’s just my Land Eel peeking out.”
6. Boy Tube* Usage: “You got a Boy Tube.”
7. Remote Control Usage: “Stop playing with your Remote Control when we have company.”
8. Boy Canolli Usage: “I wasn’t going to do him till he showed me hos Boy Canolli.”
9. TEH Peeneh Usage: “LULZ! Invisble peeneh! kthxbai.”
10. What are your personal names for boy bits? Please don’t be too gross.

*With assistance from the lovely Natalie. Tomorrow: euphemisms for girly bits.

Let’s see that bastard cook with these secret ingredients:

1. Tears of a Clown
2. Cream Rinse Shampoo
3. Food for thought
4. A mulatto, an albino, a mosquito, my libido
5. Snake Oil
6. Gum Arabic
7. Hen’s Teeth
8. Primordial Soup
9. Mystery meat
10. Any others? Anyone? Bueller?