Observations

Let's face it. Some names damn children to a life of teasing. For instance: Jasper [M] = "Please don't beat me up. Again." Dawn [F] = "After I make the cheerleading squad, I'm joining Up with People." Wilbur [M] = "Earn extra money doing cartoon voices. Hmm." Cheyenne [F] = "Mom? Guess what? I just starred in my first porno flick." Remington [M] = "Daddykins? Mummsy says I can be on the sculling team." Kayla [F] = "I blew my teacher for an A." Justin [M] = "Can I hang out with you guys? Huh? Can I? Can I?" Cassandra…

Why coffee isn't an essential food group. Why all sitcom fathers are bumbling idiots. Why on commercials, when a family sits down for dinner, everyone nods in unison. Why talentless mouthbreathers like Paulie Shore, Carrot Top, Jessica Simpson and Starr Jones continue to get contracts to be in front of a camera. Why most of the Midwest still dresses like it's 1987. Why none of Donald Trump's assistants have the balls to tell him how bad his toupée looks. Why most women begin collecting Hummel figurines as soon as they turn 50. Why I am still getting three copies of…

Anyone who has ever been in a a car with a woman for more than five miles knows one immutable fact: they have to pee already. They went while getting ready to leave. Right as you held the door open for them, they ran back in to pee once more. Now that you have been driving for ten minutes, they need to pull over and pee again. No doubt, the first thing they will do on arrival is pee again. This leads me to one inescapable conclusion. Cows, deer and other ruminants have four-chambered stomachs. Women, have four-chambered bladders.

Cougar: "You didn't use the ice from the green tray, did you? Boyfriend: "Yes … why?" Cougar: "That ice is stale! It's been in the freezer for months." Boyfriend: "How can ice go stale? It's frozen water." Cougar: "Well, I say it can!" [Definition of Cougar]

Draining his pasta Cleaning her lint trap Rearranging her bookshelves Checking her fluid levels Soaking the dentures Uncorked her champagne Filing her taxes Grinding the beans Polishing the boots Licking her stamp collection Winding her clock Counting her rosary beads Sending out the invitations Flipping her hotcakes Burning his CD Waxing her hood Blowing out the candle Carving the pumpkin Booking her tickets Refinish her end table

"perifeal vision" (heard on CNN) "samwichiz (heard on CNN) "perdickuler" (neighbor) "fedral mandrate" (heard on CSPAN2) "teepanated" (heard at work) "for all intensive purposes" (heard on CNN) "lack toast and tolerant" (heard at work) "I guess it was just a pigment of my imagination." (same neighbor) "My glasses were so foggied up with compensation." (heard at Pier One) "Michael Jackson sleeps in a hyperactive chamber." (heard at Starbucks)

How is it that women can turn three drawers of delicates into 35 book boxes weighing 70 lbs. a piece? By the way, despite having miraculous rejuvenation properties, Lime Gatorade and Peanut M&Ms do not taste too good together.