Category: Observations
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Note to Self, No. 6,002
The next time we wash dishes, we will not touch the ice cube tray.
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A pigment of my imagination
When I was a young boy, I often misheard phrases. Thinking I had them down pat, I would misuse them with confidence. Hilarity ensued. Some examples: Pigment of my imagination For all intensive purposes wrapped in conversation ball-faced lie deja view What words or phrases will you admit to misusing? viagra free viagra buy viagra…
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What is your kryptonite?
There exists one thing in everyone’s life that makes them shiver with fear, double over with nausea or curl into a fetal position. I have several of these bugabooos including, but not limited to: Clowns and mimes Bacon (S’OK, I’m pesco-vegetarian) Hummel figurines Sock garters Chinese opera Gauchos and skorts “New country” Czarnina Journey, Air…
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Overheard: Delicious-Sounding Tea Edition
On Saturday, I ate lunch at one of my favorite local Lebanese restaurants. My waitress was a lovely, young Korean woman who was adjusting to being leered at by her male coworkers. This was the opening coversation: “This is day of training, number of two. I am not used to the system of computer here.…
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Note to Self, No. 6,001
The next time you travel, you are not letting your black cat play inside the suitcase while you pack, ensuring your white shirt will be coated in black fur. Also check that you have removed any chocolates from your suitcase that may inexplicably get stuck on your pants when you press them with the hotel’s…
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Overheard: Flight to Arkansas Edition
[Sitting behind me on plane] Traveler #1: “Whut wuz thayat?” Traveler #2: “I bet it wuzza wheelz comin’ down.” Traveler #1: “Wheelz? Fer real?” Traveler #2: “Yessir. We’s sittin’ raht above the plane’s wang.” Traveler #1: “We surely are! I ain’t never been above the wang afore.” Traveler #2: “Yessir. It’s a good spot. Git…
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Astral Body Workout
I was IMing with my friend Jim S. when we got on one of those odd topics. I know. Moi? Talk about something weird? So we’re talking about astral bodies, something I find both fascinating and well … highly improbable. I just don’t buy into it. Not the fact that it’s, you know, bullshit. I’ve…
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More people we dislike #7
People who run their lawnmower/snowblower/leafblower before 9AM on a weekend. Guys who think the prison pants look is still in. People who turn their vehicles into walking advertisements for their religion. People who turn their vehicles into walking advertisements for anything. Obssessive parents People who insist on bringing their stinking, neurotic pets into coffeehouses because,…
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Note to Self, No. 5,991
Never keep the same cellphone for five years. Trust me on this one.
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Top Signs You May Be a Walking Asshole
You double-park your Hummer in the handicapped section Your television cost more than your education You post naked pictures of your ex- online You often make lefthand turns from the right turn lane You feel the neighbor’s lawn is your ashtray You have nine online identities, none of which accurately reflect your age, weight, gender…
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Fess up!
Who stole it, and what did you do with it? viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online viagra cheapest viagra prices herbal viagra alternative to…
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Notes to Self, No. 5,890-5,895
The next time you press your shirt, make sure you iron both sides before wearing the shirt to work Yes, you really do have a bottle of soy sauce from 2002 to throw away The next time you decide to delete an old folder from the server, make sure you’ve … already downloaded it first.…
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