Davezilla.com

Category: Observations

  • Things I Learned from Movies, Part V

    1. Whenever magic is being performed for the first time, black clouds instantly roll in.
    2. If a cop or some para-military soldier pokes at his own eyes, then forwards twice in the air, trouble is coming.
    3. Giants and large dinosaurs move in slow motion. Small dinosaurs move with lightning speed.
    4. In real life, putting up your open palm signals someone to stop. In the movies, this is how Native Americans greet each other.
    5. In real life, putting up your closed fist means Black Power. In the movies, this is how Ninjas signal each other to stop.
    6. Women have always worn thongs, even in the Renaissance.
    7. The first time a werewolf transforms, it will take up an entire chapter on a DVD and involve painful screaming. Subsequent transformations take only seconds and are painless.
    8. If a sea monster is large enough to eat your ship, it will.
    9. Giant snakes will feed 6-10 times a day, every day, rather than resting a month between meals.
    10. All Eastern European grandfathers hunted witches. All Eastern European grandmothers are witches.

  • Mr Sensitive? You BET!

    The other day I made a comment to someone that got an unanticipated response (I know, right, me saying something that bothers someone? how … odd).

    I suggested that if superpowers were on the bartering table, I would see my way through to selling my soul. I mean, superpowers. Come on. Who wouldn’t want that. Even assuming that I’m not completely serious about bartering an unsubstantial, non-recordable and altogether magical essence for the concrete power to teleport, or shoot laser beams from my eyes, or whatever power I chose, it’s a good topic of conversation. It gets the ball rolling. From there we could have gone with ‘WHat would you sell your soul for’ or ‘What’s the nastiest place you had the sex in?’

    (more…)

  • It’s Science!

  • Not until you’re not… Wait. Whut?

    You cannot download until you are not a member. Wait. Whut?
    You cannot download until you are not a member. Wait. Whut?

  • Caption Time #257

    Caption Time #257
    Caption Time #257

  • More people we can safely dislike #19

    1. The coworker reads aloud every memo, email, etc. to themselves and has to tell me, “Oh, I’m not talking to you. I’m just thinking aloud.” I didn’t ask, OK?.
    2. People who live in Michigan, one of the snowiest states in the US, but can’t drive in 1/2″ of snow. Please go back to Ohio/Indiana/Windsor where no one can drive in any weather.
    3. People who make weak tea or coffee. If it bothers your stomach, drink something else. This ain’t rocket science.
    4. People who rake/blow their leaves onto my lawn
    5. The Sham Wow guy. Seriously, someone take him out.
    6. Who do you dislike today?

  • Top Reasons to Vote for Davezilla Instead

    If elected, I promise to:

    1. Force all road construction to occur during the hours of 3 and 5 AM. By 5:30 AM, all evidence of construction must be hidden
    2. Prevent Kevin Costner from making any more turkeys like WaterWorld
    3. Illegalize the term ‘maverick’
    4. Allow voting from the PS3, N360, X-Box, WII and Twitter
    5. Mandatory driving tests once you turn 65. Take that, AARP!
    6. Politicians (or CEOs) who make ridiculous comments (like being able to see Russia from an Alaska office) will be forced to take elementary school lessons (televised), which will be then graded by elementary school children
    7. John Stewart becomes Secretary of State
    8. Kittens everywhere. Violators will be forced to eat Cheez Whiz with every meal. And no, allergies are no excuse. Man up, ya Nancy
    9. Zilla Girls!
    10. Why else should America vote for me?

  • Halloween Costume Suggestion #3

  • Halloween Costume Suggestion #2

    Pedo Bear and Little Girl

  • Thass how I roll!

  • On Golden Shower Pond

    I recently had my full physical examination from the doctor. All is well, although one comment from the nurse threw me a little. “We need a urine sample. Take this cup to the bathroom and hold it under the urine stream.” Had she used ‘your’ in place of ‘the’, I might not had noticed.

    As a result, while I peed, I imagined being under the urine stream as a happy place, a fairytale land with dew-lit butterflies and gamboling elves. Perhaps even a poem. Under the Urine Stream, by Walt Whitman. Rime of the Ancient Uriner, by Coleridge.

    And why must it be a stream? What if you had a raging urine river? Here’s some other titles I thought up as I held my cup under the urine stream.

    1. The Babbling Urine Brook
    2. Noah’s Ark and the Urine Flood
    3. A Tribute to the Urine Tributary
    4. The Quiet Urine Creek
    5. The Urine Well
    6. Sailing the Urine Seas
    7. The Fountain of Urine
    8. Ten Days Alone: Yellow-Water Rafting in Colorado
    9. And I cannot resist, On Golden Pond
    10. What titles can you come up with?

  • How not to eat sushi

    I ate sushi at Katana in Royal Oak last night. Katana used to be a very trendy spot—almost pickup joint—with beautiful people and even more beautiful waitresses. Granted, I have not eaten there in six months and things seemed to have changed.

    At first I thought I was in a Sopranos episode. Every table save mine seemed to be populated by enormous, neckless Italian men with gold chains, striped shirts and ill-fitting jeans. Accompanying each brutish fellow was an over made-up woman with, shall we say, junk in the trunk?

    None of this was particularly interesting to me until Lizz pointed out that the men seemed stunned by the knowledge that they would be called upon to use chopsticks. In front of their peers. From our vantage point alone, we observed the following methods for eating sushi:

    1. Chopsticks held like drumsticks, one stick in each hand, the sushi roll bounced about as if between Devil Sticks
    2. Stabbed like a Shish Kebab
    3. Fingers
    4. With a fork
    5. Stabbed with a steak knife
    6. Stolen off the pregnant wife’s plate
    7. How have you seen sushi eaten?