Observations

…drinking glass cleaner will not turn you invisible …smoking toothpaste may give you minty-fresh cancer cells …shaving with expanding urethane foam will require a much longer razor What have you heard from the Surgeon General?

I was nine and going to my grandmother's for my birthday. I loved going to my grandmother's house. It was creaky, dark and she had children's books dating back to the 1920s. The only odd thing about her was her recipes were … unexpected, to say the least. This particular birthday, I was dropped off to spend the weekend at my grandmother's with my cousin, whose birthday was a few days before mine. She made a cake for both of us. "Do you like chocolate cake, boys?" Silly question. Of course we did. She returned with a cake with strange…

Carpet Cleaner #1: "Dude, you ever been to Screaming Eagle Casino?" Carpet Cleaner #2: "Do you mean, Soaring Eagle?" CC #1: "Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah, that one. I been there last week and I wasn't s'pposed to be cause I'm on probation still." CC #2: "What the Hell for? CC #1: "Oh, my ole lady turn me in cause I shit in her sock." CC #2: "The Hell. Just for that? CC #2: "Wait. This the same broad that made you a cake outta watermelon?" CC #1: "No, this is another one. Jill, man. I'll shit in her sock again tonight if she…

Someone pointed me to the second in a series of products that I simply do not grasp. This one being Preggie and Queasy Pops. I shit you not. Preggie Pops are alleged to ease morning sickness. This is no doubt a great relief to many women who will wonder if they cause pregnancy. I wonder, do they come in sperm flavor? Is the center filled with Contraceptive Jelly? It's the Queasy Pops that have me a little off-put. Do they make one ill? Perhaps you ram one down the throat with great force to induce vomiting. Do they come in…

Never, under any circumstances, get catnip mixed into an omelette. Tastes like steel.

Do not leave the iron on for 36 hours. Seriously. How did you not notice that?

Grandson: "Do you have a conscience, grampa?" Grandfather: "Of course I do, Ronnie. Everyone does." Grandson: "Oh." Grandson: "How big are they?"

Someone, somewhere though that adding LEDs to slippers was a bright idea (pun intended). I don't care. I really don't. I won't buy them, and I reserve the right to laugh openly at those who do. Here's my issue. It's billed as, "the perfect gift for any occasion". Any occasion? Seriously, if your neighbor just lost her husband, would you knock on her door and say, "I know things seem dark now, but these slippers will bring some light into your life." I think not. Any occasion? Would you give a pair to a baby boy after his circumcision? "Here,…

Let's face it. Some names damn children to a life of teasing. For instance: Jasper [M] = "Please don't beat me up. Again." Dawn [F] = "After I make the cheerleading squad, I'm joining Up with People." Wilbur [M] = "Earn extra money doing cartoon voices. Hmm." Cheyenne [F] = "Mom? Guess what? I just starred in my first porno flick." Remington [M] = "Daddykins? Mummsy says I can be on the sculling team." Kayla [F] = "I blew my teacher for an A." Justin [M] = "Can I hang out with you guys? Huh? Can I? Can I?" Cassandra…

Why coffee isn't an essential food group. Why all sitcom fathers are bumbling idiots. Why on commercials, when a family sits down for dinner, everyone nods in unison. Why talentless mouthbreathers like Paulie Shore, Carrot Top, Jessica Simpson and Starr Jones continue to get contracts to be in front of a camera. Why most of the Midwest still dresses like it's 1987. Why none of Donald Trump's assistants have the balls to tell him how bad his toupée looks. Why most women begin collecting Hummel figurines as soon as they turn 50. Why I am still getting three copies of…