New Old Wives’ Tales to scare children with

  1. Seeing an ambulance is very unlucky and if you see one, it’s coming to take mommy and daddy away. Forever.
  2. A bird flying in the house means you won’t have a birthday this year.
  3. If you blow out all the candles on your birthday cake with the first puff you will get your wish. If you fail, all your presents will be sent to starving children in China who will eat them.
  4. If your cheeks suddenly feel on fire, someone is telling your parents that you are failing in school.
  5. It’s bad luck to pick up a coin if it’s tails side up. If you do, your kitten will get the mange.
  6. A dog howling at night when someone in the house is sick is all your fault.
  7. It is bad luck to cut your fingernails on Friday or Sunday, or any day Monday through Saturday.
  8. If the palm of your right hand itches, it means Santa told Mommy that you don’t deserve presents this year.
  9. Don’t knit a pair of socks for your boyfriend or he’ll attempt to knit something for you.
  10. To break a mirror means 7 years that Santa will give your presents to your older brother.
  11. If you forget to throw salt over your shoulder, you will be torn to pieces by Satan’s Clown Army.
  12. The devil enters your body every time you sneeze. Having someone say, “God bless you,” does little good, but it does give the other person something to do.
  13. It’s bad luck to open an umbrella inside the house, and if you put it over your head, you will be impotent.
  14. Cover your mouth when you yawn, or God will tell everyone what you do in the bathroom.


  1. Spud


    1. If you sneeze with your eyes open, they will fall out, permanently.

    2. Eating your crusts will make your hair grow big, overnight.

    3. If you touch “it” you will go blind.

    4. Daddy is “not” squashing mummy.

    5. If you walk under a ladder, a piano will fall on your head.

    6. If you have untied shoelaces, it means your dog just died.

    7. Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.


  2. Sir Osiss

    And More:

    – Thumb sucking causes buck teeth, which will require braces, which will lead to a nickname of “Black and Decker Pecker Wrecker.”

    – If you cross your eyes, they’ll stay that way, and you’ll get to play the part of Igor in the remake of “Young Frankenstein.”

    – If you go outside with wet hair, you’ll catch a cold, get pnemonia & die. Then you’ll only have 2 things to worry about; decay and necrophelia. (Thanks, Rufus the 13th)

    – Spicy foods give you stinky farts. If you try to light them you’ll blow your butthole so far open it’ll have a permanent home on a perverted “goat” web site.

    – Wait an hour after eating before swimming, the shark won’t mind waiting.

  3. Sir Osiss


    And if you watch Napoleon Dynamite, see Spud’s #1, same thing….

  4. Sir Osiss


    Never thought I’d use these 2 words in a sentence, but I really DO know how to spell pneumonia and necrophilia. And now I guess I wait for someone to tell me they are dying to find out why… :dead:

  5. Anna

    Okay, okay, I’ll ask ~sigh~. I’m dying to find out why ……. (really, I don’t, but they made me!!)

  6. If you shiver on a warm day for no reason, someone is walking over your grave. If you shiver and itch at the same time, they’re dancing over your grave while laughing hysterically. If you shiver and have the desire to rub your teeth, they’re doing lines of coke on your tombstone.

  7. 💡 Must remember to hand out umbrellas on dates. 💡

  8. Insane Sailor

    If you step on a crack mom will break her back having sex with the mailman. If you attempt to jump over the crack and land on it then mom will leave dad and move in with her lover, another woman.

    If you have a bad couch drink honey and whiskey. That way you will be passed out when dad beats mom up for using his bottle.

    If your feet hurt and you soak them in Epsom Salt they will feel better. Until you stand up and slip and fall breaking your neck.

    Coffee isn’t addictive…but if I dont have my cup in the morning I will rip your head off and take all your toys away.

    If you kids are arguing in the car I won’t turn around and go home. I will wait until we are at the mall and then sneak away leaving you there. When you do get home Dad and I will have moved.

  9. Nina

    My grandpa once told my mother that if she stuck a seasme seed in her belly button at night she would grow bigger :boobs::boobs:! She now has very big boobs!

    boys if you keep playing with your :wang: all day eventually it will fall off!

  10. If you use emoticons and abbreviations like “LOL” while chatting, your parents will ask you why your keyboard is sticky.

    If you keep your vibrating cellphone in your front pocket you’ll get a woody when you are in the worst possible moment

  11. Lace Valentine

    Dear Child,

    Jesus isn’t a little lamb but an angry tiger and he will gobble you up.


    William Blake

  12. chainstay

    If you fart, belch, sneeze,
    and cough all at the same
    time you will implode.

  13. Buffy

    ok what the hell is a “woody” ?

  14. Spud


  15. *chortle* … c’mon over here, little girl, I’ll show you a woody … heh heh heh! zzzZZZIppPPP!

  16. Mandy

    Woodys can be a wonderful breakfast :wang:or an annoyance when you need more sleep. :limp:

  17. Sir Osiss

    The cowboy on Toy Story, the bartender on Cheers and a cop on Crossing Jordon…

    Why don’t they just go by “Boner” and be done with it?

  18. Spud


    Happy Pants!


  19. Paige

    1. If you step on crack, you are out $20.00.If you scratch your ass while winding your watch, you are a dumbass. If you are doing lines of coke on someones tombstone, you have some serious issues:dead:

  20. Sylvia

    My mother used to tell us that if we didn’t eat ALL our vegetables then the police would come and put us in the workhouse. Sort of like a refuge centre to keep families off the street where they split partners, wives and husbands and children up into different dormitories.

    Come to think of it, most infractions of her rules were met with the same threat. Probably wishful thinking on her part

  21. Suzanne

    😛 “be afraid…”be very afraid”:limp:

Comments are closed