More people we dislike #5: Music Video Directors

A special breed of artist, the music video director fancies himself one day a real film director. This of course, will never happen unless someone writes a movie about a ratty-looking guitarist breaking up with his supermodel girlfriend in the desert, while chicas in matching thongs choreograph the breakup in a New York City back alley. We hate you, video directors, because you all use the same video effects, the same yawnful slow motion pans across teary-eyed waifs and men with 5:00 shadow. No, we are neither enticed nor fooled by the tiny, red REC icon flashing on the video.…

2006 New Years Resolutions

Every year since this site began in 1995, I have posted my resolutions. To date, I am still not King of the World, Master of Time, Space and Depravity, but I am still trying. Continue on my yearly mission to find a cure for clowns and mimes Catering to my 15 year-old cat's ever changing whims Discover a cure for skorts and gauchos Lobby for a Federal Bill to make wearing of mullets at the workplace a punishable crime Progressive cities like Toronto have declared it completely legal for women to go topless in public. Should a forward-thinking nation like…

Ten things to do at a New Year’s Eve party

Wake up writing someone else's blog Declare war on Iraq! Oh wait, never mind… Plaster the streets with incriminating photos involving your pet and a root vegetable Tattoo Bible verses all over your body and then do a strip tease for your friends Should anyone spill a drink on you, scream, "It burns, it burns!" in a possessed Linda Blair voice. Declare sock garters to be back in fashion and wear a pair. Nothing else. Put everyone's keys in the toilet to prevent drunk driving Arrive late, drunk and loudly announce, "Well, it looks like I've slept with everyone at…

Complete this sentence #28, One word comment

Longtime reader Dante's idea: Good thing, too. I start a story and each one of you continues it. Here's the catch: You can only add one word per comment. Got that? One word. I knew I'd given grandmother my lover's present when she opened the box and pulled out a huge ________.viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online viagra cheapest viagra prices herbal viagra alternative to viagra buy generic viagra…

Last Minute Gift Ideas

This year, give gifts that they'll never forget. Or forgive. A bucket of fresh, molten lava Their very own Manure Spreader A stack of stolen porn An Igia Hair Removal kit A map of Guam A new tongue scraper An actual Jivaro shrunken head A sea lamprey A date with this woman A bowl of eyelashes What are you planning on buying this year? viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra…

Overheard: Oyster Bar Edition

After finding the impossible present for Natalie today, I was quite proud and decided to celebrate at my luck by stopping at Tom's Oyster Bar for some chowdah and a Guinness, henceforth known as the best lunch ever. Nearby was a boisterous couple. Their conversation was both amusing and ridiculous. I jotted down as much as I could on a napkin for your enjoyment, because I love you. Background: She is from Miami and met him online. He wants her to move in with him, but she wants a ring on her finger first. All of her earthly possessions are…

Notes to Self, No. 5,822, Nachos Edition

"Restaurant Style" tortilla chips means, "Our retarded bagger sat on them, crushing each chip to an ant-sized bite." Four jalapenos are more than sufficient for one plate of nachos. Eleven may be over the top. Trust me on this. Cats will not eat nachos, not matter how hungry they are. True fact: Queso is actually made from molten Play-Doh. The number of ounces of cheese you add to nachos is directly proportional to the number of hours you will spend regretting the decision to make nachos. viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra…

1st Level Web Master Spells

Protection against Comic Sans: Protects beginning Web Designers from succumbing to the fetid odor of this most noxious font. Dispel MIDI: Makes the spell caster immune to the dissonant shrieks of embedded MIDI soundtracks on personal homepages. Detect Rainbow: Spell destroys rainbow divider bars. Temporarily dispels rainbow-colored text. Mage Page: Magic spell to dispel popup ads and prevent javascript page takeovers. Obscure Animation: Prevents animated GIFs of gay Spiderman from dancing more than one round. Cursor Curse: Prevents the mouse from being followed by animated trails of stars, unicorns and flowers. Vampiric Styles: Touch removes ghastly stylesheets that only work…

Martini garnishes to avoid

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Meat Floss

Minnie sent me an excellent book entitled "Here Speeching American", something my readers excel at. I love the Engrish shopping sections, one in particular from—where else—Japan. Door No. 1 Entrance Door No. 2 Exitrance Aisle A: Caned Fruit Aisle B: Caned Vegitarian Caned Fish Meat Caned Meat Floss "A lovely paper for your toilet life" [Toilet paper wrapping] "Be half as fresh as the day is long [Tampon slogan] Rechee Milk Flavor Chips: Use for snack, fun, panties What's the strangest label you've ever seen?viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra…