Category: Observations
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Davezilla’s Dictionary, Part 4
Fuckle: v. To really screw something up. Won’t get you in trouble to say it. At least not right away.Ex. Darn it all, this Windows Vista sure is fuckled up. Janx: v. Past tense of jinx. Or should be. Ex. I janx that bitch, but good. Pune: adj. Something disgusting. Something that smells bad. (On…
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Overheard: Thai Restaurant Edition
Scene: Natalie and I are eating Thai in what we thought was a private booth. Behind us was a grandmother and her two unruly grandchildren. Grandmother: Mawcus? Mawcus! You’ve taken in too much food. Spit it out. Spit it out right now, young man. Right here. Spit it out on the table. Marcus: Plplpltew! Granddaughter:…
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Failed Valentines Sentiments
These didn’t work last year or this year. Don’t try them next year. When you said you wanted me to meet your mother, I knew in my heart you were special. Is she up for a three-way, as well? My hulking, little love buffalo. Your hips are like two enormous wetlands, teeming with wildlife. You’re…
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Dear Mistre Dave Zilla
Normally I don’t reprint email, respecting the privacy of my readers and because I have better things to do. However, when I am specifically requested to reprint said communiqu? by none other than the Sultan of Cleveland, well, what can one do? I give you, unabridged, yesterday’s fan mail: Dear Mistre Dave Zilla, I know…
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Too soon?
Beloved pinup model and pop icon, Anna Nicole Smith dies, suddenly. The identity of her baby’s father is left uncertain. The next day, Microsoft’s Clippy is declared officially dead. Coincidence, you say? I think not. viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl…
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Overheard
Bob: “I see you wear white frequently.” Me: “Every day, Bob. We’ve been through this six or seven times.” Bob: “I see you come to Starbucks a lot.” Me: “Yes, Bob.” Bob: “And I see you wear white frequently.” Me: “Thank you, Captain Obvious.” Bob: “No, my name is Bob.” Me: “Thank you, Captain Bobvious.”…
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Location, location, location…
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Imponderables #2
If you’re as young as you feel, and you feel like a kid, does that make your significant other a pedophile? viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra…
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Anagram Interview with Tom Cruise
DISCLAIMER: Before you scratch your head or send me hate mail, please note that this is a fake interview. It’s not real. OK? The answers were created by rearranging the letters in Tom Cruise [anagramming]. No disrespect is meant. I’m sure he’s a fine person. Davezilla: So Tom. I hear you’ve been sending rodents to…
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Imponderables
How come olive oil can be extra virgin, but people can’t? Follow my logic here. There’s your garden variety virgins, people who simply have not had sex. Then there would be the extra virgins, those who willfully avoid it, or are so repugnant that no one will be caught dead sleeping with them. Carrot Top,…
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Notes to Self: No. 6,322
Remember: cats with claws + goosedown comforters = a big, honkin’ mess to sweep up.
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Stores that never made it, Part II
Sunday, we laughed at examined store names that might be construed as really damn stupid less than optimal. Today, we examine stores that combine unrelated industries under the same umbrella, like those gas stations that make donuts. Blecch. For example, years ago, I went to San Francisco with my then-wife. She had forgotten her ID.…
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