Failed Valentines Sentiments

15 February, 2007Posted inObservations20 Comments
These didn't work last year or this year. Don't try them next year. When you said you wanted me to meet your mother, I knew in my heart you were special. Is she up for a three-way, as well? My hulking, little love buffalo. Your hips are like two enormous wetlands, teeming with wildlife. You're like a star. An imploding, White Dwarf star. Your lips are crimson; like the radial blood spatter of a fatal car accident. I love when you make that honking noise in bed. You, my love, are brutish. When I said you had a beautiful body,…

Dear Mistre Dave Zilla

14 February, 2007Posted inObservations40 Comments
Normally I don't reprint email, respecting the privacy of my readers and because I have better things to do. However, when I am specifically requested to reprint said communiqu? by none other than the Sultan of Cleveland, well, what can one do? I give you, unabridged, yesterday's fan mail: Dear Mistre Dave Zilla, I know your real name sin't ZIlla it's Linaburty so I address you by your real name, the name you gave yourself. it is m9ore poewrful than nay amulet . Nay, more powerful than a +3 sword of Enchantrment!!Lissen I love your sight, It cracks me up…

Too soon?

10 February, 2007Posted inObservations23 Comments
Beloved pinup model and pop icon, Anna Nicole Smith dies, suddenly. The identity of her baby's father is left uncertain. The next day, Microsoft's Clippy is declared officially dead. Coincidence, you say? I think not.viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online viagra cheapest viagra prices herbal viagra alternative to viagra buy generic viagra purchase viagra online free viagra without prescription viagra attorneys free viagra samples before buying buy generic viagra…

Overheard

06 February, 2007Posted inObservations36 Comments
Bob: "I see you wear white frequently." Me: "Every day, Bob. We've been through this six or seven times." Bob: "I see you come to Starbucks a lot." Me: "Yes, Bob." Bob: "And I see you wear white frequently." Me: "Thank you, Captain Obvious." Bob: "No, my name is Bob." Me: "Thank you, Captain Bobvious." Please tell me I'm not the only person who has to deal with someone like this. He isn't slow. He's actually rather intelligent, but idolizes me for some reason and won't leave me alone.viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work…

Location, location, location…

03 February, 2007Posted inObservations22 Comments
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Imponderables #2

02 February, 2007Posted inObservations22 Comments
If you're as young as you feel, and you feel like a kid, does that make your significant other a pedophile?viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online viagra cheapest viagra prices herbal viagra alternative to viagra buy generic viagra purchase viagra online free viagra without prescription viagra attorneys free viagra samples before buying buy generic viagra cheap viagra uk generic viagra online try viagra for free generic viagra from india…

Anagram Interview with Tom Cruise

30 January, 2007Posted inObservations50 Comments
DISCLAIMER: Before you scratch your head or send me hate mail, please note that this is a fake interview. It's not real. OK? The answers were created by rearranging the letters in Tom Cruise [anagramming]. No disrespect is meant. I'm sure he's a fine person. Davezilla: So Tom. I hear you've been sending rodents to the outer galaxies to find Xenu? Tom Cruise: Mice tours! Davezilla: Fascinating. I notice you're scratching. Did you get kicked in the nuts? Tom Cruise: (ie. scrotum) Davezilla: What's causing your pain, if you don't mind my asking? Tom Cruise: Ice tumors. Davezilla: How do…

Imponderables

28 January, 2007Posted inObservations19 Comments
How come olive oil can be extra virgin, but people can't? Follow my logic here. There's your garden variety virgins, people who simply have not had sex. Then there would be the extra virgins, those who willfully avoid it, or are so repugnant that no one will be caught dead sleeping with them. Carrot Top, for example.viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online viagra cheapest viagra prices herbal viagra alternative…

Stores that never made it, Part II

17 January, 2007Posted inObservations33 Comments
Sunday, we laughed at examined store names that might be construed as really damn stupid less than optimal. Today, we examine stores that combine unrelated industries under the same umbrella, like those gas stations that make donuts. Blecch. For example, years ago, I went to San Francisco with my then-wife. She had forgotten her ID. Since she was only 24, she didn't want to be carded. We solved it by stopping at a shop in Chinatown that specialized in hand-scooped ice cream… and photo ID. Benny's Noodles -N- Bait Mike's Dental Supplies and Jackhammers Plus! Tire Rotation, Donuts & More…

Stores that never made it

15 January, 2007Posted inObservations21 Comments
I told Nikki that a popcorn store opened in Royal Oak. Her response was as always, subtle and understated. "Get the fuck out. Who needs a popcorn store?" Naturally, I responded that, "I do." Then we had a giggle fit thinking of other useless stores that one might encounter in a dying strip mall. The Pencilery Pug Outfitters Dremel-O-Rama Chapstick City Macramé Palace TV Trays Plus Lon's Place for Toothpicks The Spice Rack Hut Gordie's House of Muesli World of Tarps! Mitzi's Ginger Jar Emporium Sporks-N-Mor The Dishrag, by Giovanni Kenny's Original House of Sandpaper Thermostat Town The 128 MB…

New Year, New Look

14 January, 2007Posted inObservations47 Comments
Please don't chastise me for going all Web 2.0 on you, dear readers. It's all in the name of usability and user experience. My dear friend, CrazyHoh modded this theme for me and I love it. Same toys as before, but a new paintjob. Comment link is now by the title. You've been warned. Links and categories are now at the bottom. Because I keep adding more blog links, I am now serving them up randomly to conserve space. Fear not, no one has been bumped from the list. I get a great deal of fan mail asking me to…