Failed Valentines Sentiments

These didn’t work last year or this year. Don’t try them next year.

  1. When you said you wanted me to meet your mother, I knew in my heart you were special. Is she up for a three-way, as well?
  2. My hulking, little love buffalo.
  3. Your hips are like two enormous wetlands, teeming with wildlife.
  4. You’re like a star. An imploding, White Dwarf star.
  5. Your lips are crimson; like the radial blood spatter of a fatal car accident.
  6. I love when you make that honking noise in bed.
  7. You, my love, are brutish.
  8. When I said you had a beautiful body, I was referring to the dead one you keep in the meat locker.
  9. Wild, rodeo midgets couldn’t drag me away from you. But it might be fun if they tried. That sounds kinda hot, actually. Do you know any?
  10. Your slim legs, those full, red lips… But I digress, how much did you say the Girl Scout cookies are?
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Show 20 Comments


  1. Bigwavdave

    Dave – You are one sick puppy – and I love that about you, don’t ever change! Woohoo!

  2. [Comment ID #86915 will be quoted here]

    I concur. 😉

  3. Spud

    Get us a beer while yer up luv… ah, ta, good girl.

  4. Anna

    I know you don’t know me … but I really love you .. I see you every night, when you walk your dogs …

    (and that is a true one)

  5. Spud

    Are your legs tired? You’ve been running through my mind all day.

    Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk past you again?

    This is an amazing coincidence . . .I’m single on the day that we meet for the first time.

    You know, being a millionaire can be pretty lonely without someone to share it with.

  6. AnnieB

    Anna, it’s early and I’m on my first cup (of Vodka) but that sounds pretty creepy. Gee, Dave, now you have a stalker who watches you walk your dogs. Isn’t that special? 🙄

  7. Ann Blalock

    Anna – sounds pretty creepy. I’m sure Dave is happy to know he has a stalker.

    Spud – sour cream and chives or loaded???

    I love ya darling … yeah, whatever. Color me not interested.

  8. sledge

    you may be my love puppy but i will not clean up after you

  9. 15. You have the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen. I must have them for my collection.

    16. Oh by the way, that little romantic gift that I put in the envelope? Don’t go gettin’ the wrong idea. It ain’t a diamond – it’s crystal meth.

    17. Shall I compare thee to a rose – The radiant rapture of perfumed beauty that is your body and the cluster of thorny pricks that worship at your feet. I confess, I am one of those pricks.

    18. Jake’s Motel on Route 15. I can fit you in between 8.30 and 10 on Thursday evening……oh yeah and be my valentine.

    19. Stop worrying my darling, you’re the perfect weight for me. You know how I like it to ripple when I slap it.

  10. AnnieB

    Why not? Licking (cleaning) up is half the fun.

  11. AnnieB

    I’m sure it’s pretty much always rippled.

  12. AnnieB

    Spud … I believe in lust at first sight. Love … well, you have to think about that. A real long time.

  13. I have bronchitis. Wanna kiss me?

    Hmmm… you’ll do.

    My lips feel tingly. Want to rub the feeling back into them? (No, wait, that’s my pick-up line.)

  14. I have bronchitis. Wanna kiss me?

    Hmmm… you’ll do.

    My lips feel tingly. Want to rub the feeling back into them? (No, wait, that’s my pick-up line.)

  15. chainstay

    Hi, I know you don’t know me, but I thought I should tell you that my tongue is seven inches long and I can breath through my ears. Would you like to by me a drink?

  16. Mikeme

    :wang: :wang: :wang: :wang: :wang: Forever!!!

  17. pablo

    Here it is!!!!! The stupidest thing I ever said on Valentines Day.

    I do.

    I was a freakin’ moron

  18. Anna

    Pablo 1 – rest 0

  19. Mandy

    Worst one I ever had: “Your tits say rub me, but your eyes say now. :limp:

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