What a fish in an aquarium is thinking

23 July, 2009Posted inObservations22 Comments
Ohhhhh geez. What's with the florescent light, buddy? I would kill for some eyelids right about now. [swims a bit] Christ on a crutch. Dere's dat damn Pufferfish again. Swimming by my filter tube! Don't he know that's my turf? I better shows him who's boss around here. [swims up] Hey! Yo, Puffie! Yeah, you. Get yer no good, bloated belly-havin' prickly-ass outta my turf! What? Oh is dat a fact? Listen pal. I been in dis tank since you was a fry. I remember the day dey dropped your bag in the tank. Dere goes the neighborhood I says.…

What Your Language Sounds Like To Me

05 July, 2009Posted inObservations24 Comments
Possibly the most offensive post I have ever written. But since I am picking on everyone's language, it's sort of equal opportunity offensiveness. Enjoy! Farsi: Like a Spaniard with Downs Syndrome is reciting the German alphabet while eating toast Welsh: Like a foppish Englishman with a cleft palette is choking on a spider Vietnamese: I concur with David Sedaris who wrote, "While our language flows from our mouths, the Vietnamese language sounds as if it is being forced from the speaker by a series of heavy and merciless blows to the stomach." Hawaiian: Like American toddlers making up nonsense syllables…

Song of Solomon, Deconstructed

28 June, 2009Posted inObservations27 Comments
If you've ever read the Song of Solomon in the bible—a love poem between two lovers—then you've read one of the weirdest books ever. The way the woman is described makes her sound like something only H.P. Lovecraft could conceive of. In fact, this guy may have been writing about Cthulhu. If I told my fiancée that her breasts looked like two deer and her teeth like sheep, I think I'd be sleeping on the couch for a month. Let's look at a few choice verses: Her: # Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast…