Note to Self, No. 6,619

In retrospect it was probably not the best idea to eat Blair’s Death Rain XXX Hot Habanero Chips minutes before a meeting with the executives.

Note to Self, No. 6,502

Find a way to change our appearance. This year, I was told no less than 19 times to “Have a safe 4th of July,” indicating that I somehow resemble the Latchkey, redneck children that seem to lose useful parts of their anatomy each July by securing coal mine explosives in their teeth or in the […]

Notes to Self: No. 6,304

The next time you spill coffee on your expensive Irish cableknit sweater, do not use a red Christmas nakpin to mop it up. Now it has a permanent, red smear covering the permanent, brown coffee stain.

Note to Self: No. 6,444

There is a vile invention, one which I was seduced into buying in a weak moment. The product is known as the SudaCare Shower Soother, a blue tablet that when dropped into a shower stall, alleges to release menthol vapors, much as a cyanide capsule does to a condemned prisoner. The cyanide capsule, I am […]

Notes to Self: No. 6,229

The next time I spill pasta sauce on an expensive pair of white jeans, be sure to remove the wallet before soaking them overnight in hot water.