In retrospect it was probably not the best idea to eat Blair’s Death Rain XXX Hot Habanero Chips minutes before a meeting with the executives.
No matter how nice it looks, the next time we paint a room, we are not painting the bloody radiators.
Find a way to change our appearance. This year, I was told no less than 19 times to “Have a safe 4th of July,” indicating that I somehow resemble the Latchkey, redneck children that seem to lose useful parts of their anatomy each July by securing coal mine explosives in their teeth or in the rectum of the neighbor’s dog while yelling, “Hey fellers! Lookit this!”
Remember: cats with claws + goosedown comforters = a big, honkin’ mess to sweep up.
The next time you spill coffee on your expensive Irish cableknit sweater, do not use a red Christmas nakpin to mop it up. Now it has a permanent, red smear covering the permanent, brown coffee stain.
There is a vile invention, one which I was seduced into buying in a weak moment. The product is known as the SudaCare Shower Soother, a blue tablet that when dropped into a shower stall, alleges to release menthol vapors, much as a cyanide capsule does to a condemned prisoner.
The cyanide capsule, I am led to believe, smells faintly of almond. This would be far preferable to the scent offered by the Shower Soother, whose own musk resembles a cough drop that has been generously marinaded in kerosene and set ablaze.
Note to Self: Find the group responsible for this tablet and force-feed them several of them.
The next time I spill pasta sauce on an expensive pair of white jeans, be sure to remove the wallet before soaking them overnight in hot water.
- The probability of spilling coffee on an expensive, white shirt is determined by a ratio of the cost of the shirt versus the importance of the executives you have meetings with that day.
- Do not assume the 401 Hwy will be accident-free on a Friday night. It took 3-1/2 hours to drive 8 km last night.
- There is a finite limit to the amount of bluing that can be applied to a load of whites
- No matter how good it seems at the time, consuming three brownies and a Coke in rapid succession before a meeting is really not a good idea
- When you go out this weekend, your shoes will be vomited on by the cat. There is no escaping this inevitability, as she will find them and can pick locks
- Michigan roads can suck it. Just blew out two tires this morning on my way to the airport