My Private Hell

30 June, 2004Posted inObservations32 Comments
There is a theory that each man and woman has a personal Hell waiting for them. No, not the checkout line at Starbucks. I mean after we die, sillies. A Hell comprised of our worst fears. Surely then, my hell would include: Environment of Hell: All the inhabitants of Hell are clowns. They are all named Biff. Each one pronounces "Biff" differently and takes great offense should you mispronounce it. Everything is painted puce. There are old, buzzing neon Bud Light signs covering every wall. There are no outdoors. Hell is one enormous indoor mall populated with screaming toddlers who…

Who needs zoos when you live in one?

28 June, 2004Posted inObservations14 Comments
It's true. I may be the last human left in my building. I'm in the center apartment, upstairs. To my left are chimpanzees, that screech and whoop during ESPN Sports Center and The Man Show. To my right, the party animals. A young couple of indeterminate species that enjoy drinking until they vomit over their balcony, or playing a quiet game of "throw empties at the raccoons". Below my are the Albanian hyenas which I have written extensively on. On the lower right, a flock of flamingos that enjoy preening their scaly legs on the balcony and flashing their boobies…

Banish Inadequacy

25 June, 2004Posted inObservations17 Comments
This is just… I don't know. I got nothing. Please sign my petition to get this evil product off the market. Just the thing for that next church picnic: Heavy Metal Belly Dancers! This man's head does not match hiis body. In fact, his head may not match anyone's body. [Link via Nikki] Llap Goch! Ancient Welsh martial art.

Is your date up to standard?

23 June, 2004Posted inObservations25 Comments
The World Wide Web Consortium (W3C) has released its newest validator: Valid Date v1.0. No more will you have to worry if your date is a psycho or a mournful, misshapen freak. When your date is sporting the W3C Valid Date Button, you can rest assured they've passed the quality assurance testing and rigorous standards that make for a delightful evening.

Soy vey!

22 June, 2004Posted inObservations, wtf24 Comments
I missed an amazing photo opportunity today. I normally have an uncanny knack for being in the right place at the right time for photo weirdness, but not today. Picture if you will, a rusted and dilapidated Geo, lovingly, but not carefully, hand-painted to resemble a cow. A Holstein, I believe. On the side, a message: "I love my 40mph Geo". I am still unsure whether the writer actually meant 40mpg, or if this is in fact, the top speed attainable by this vehicle (and I use that term loosely). The other side was a true artistic vision. A hastily…