America’s Best

Today we get to exercise our right as American citizens once again. That sacred right to choose between the best the country has to offer. Maybe that’s a sad commentary on our times that the best is barely adequate, no matter the choice. That won’t stop me. My choice is already made up. I’ll have a triple venti capuccino.viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online viagra cheapest viagra prices herbal…

Complete this sentence #13

The proper way to extinguish a campfire is to first stamp out the __________ with your __________ , and then finish off by dousing it with a generous bucket of __________ .viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online viagra cheapest viagra prices herbal viagra alternative to viagra buy generic viagra purchase viagra online free viagra without prescription viagra attorneys free viagra samples before buying buy generic viagra cheap viagra uk…

Curses!

Now that the Boston Red Sox have finally won the Word Series for the first time since 1918, the Curse of the Bambino has finally been broken. This leads us to an interesting point. Without the yearly ritual of disappointment for Red Sox fans, what will they do with their lives? They no longer have excuses to be the bitter, resentful pathetic sports fans that they are. I propose we fill that void in their lives with new curses. Curse of the BIg Dig: The Big Dig will suffer labor disputes, stalling its completion. It will be resolved in 2018…

Incident at table 14

[SCENE: Mariko sushi restaurant in Toronto] Davezilla: Did you see what just walked in? Natalie: Unfortunately. [15 minutes later] Natalie: I swear I can actually hear her eating! Davezilla: I can, too. Oh Gawd. Don’t turn around. Natalie: What? What’s it doing? Davezilla: Trust me. You do not want to know! Natalie: OK, well tell me when we leave. [15 minutes later] Natalie: You were going to tell me of the horror you witnessed. Davezilla: Gawd. Ready for this? That sound you heard, that was the shrimp tempura being sucked in, two at a time. Natalie: Hold me, Dave!viagra free…

Note to self: 5,069

When you can hear sushi being eaten by someone 15 feet away, assume it will look as disgusting as it sounds and resist the temptation to gawk. [More details on this later. It’s worth it.]viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online viagra cheapest viagra prices herbal viagra alternative to viagra buy generic viagra purchase viagra online free viagra without prescription viagra attorneys free viagra samples before buying buy generic viagra…

Yes, Virginia. There is a Spammer Clause

Many of you have been contacting me over the last two weeks because your comments haven’t been going through. The reason it happens is I am part of a top-secret government blogging experiment WordPress uses a blacklist for certain words that spammers seem enjoy. You see, spammers know full well that readers of Davezilla enjoy playing card games without credit checks while having their penises enlarged. And why not? With all those red-hot donkeys and horny Asian hamsters to scrump, readers need a bigger unit. Women, thirsty for non-dairy products, demand it. "But Dave," you say. "If your software is…

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Stupid Tattoos No. 2

It's been three years since I wrote Part 1 of Stupid Tattoos. I've thought of a few since then. ;) Macaulay Culkin in Home AloneThe Coke vs. Pepsi ChallengeScabiesThe Louisiana PurchaseThe Polish Bicycle TeamKerry's Health PlanSomeone else's nippleReV.JeLLyBaBY and mikeB living naked in a caveBill O'Reilly having phone sex with his female employeesToho's attorneys

Note to self: 5,047

The next time you get a contact allergy that develops a rash, and everyone tells you not to scratch it, listen to them. :sad:viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online viagra cheapest viagra prices herbal viagra alternative to viagra buy generic viagra purchase viagra online free viagra without prescription viagra attorneys free viagra samples before buying buy generic viagra cheap viagra uk generic viagra online try viagra for free generic…

Note to self: 5,023

When you’re washing your face in the shower, no matter how tempting, don’t inhale.viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online viagra cheapest viagra prices herbal viagra alternative to viagra buy generic viagra purchase viagra online free viagra without prescription viagra attorneys free viagra samples before buying buy generic viagra cheap viagra uk generic viagra online try viagra for free generic viagra from india fda approves viagra free viagra sample what…

You decide…

Yesterday: Martha Stewart was sent to jail Ev quit Blogger Kerry surpassed Bush in the Electoral College Cher announced she will pose nude on her 60th birthday Coincidence? I think not.viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online viagra cheapest viagra prices herbal viagra alternative to viagra buy generic viagra purchase viagra online free viagra without prescription viagra attorneys free viagra samples before buying buy generic viagra cheap viagra uk generic…

If I am elected President…

There will not only be yards of beer, there will be yards of coffee. Daylight Saving Time will happen every season. I haven’t worked out the math yet, but we will gain an hour’s sleep every season. Let us learn from our southern neighbors in Mexico. Mandatory siestas at work. People who make quote marks with their fingers in the air while talking will be sent to a federal penitantiary. Donald Trump will be fired. Carrot Top will die for our sins. Hummer owners will be forced to drive AMC Pacers. Eating carbs would once again be something we are…