Ten things to do at a New Year’s Eve party

30 December, 2005Posted inObservations29 Comments
Wake up writing someone else's blog Declare war on Iraq! Oh wait, never mind… Plaster the streets with incriminating photos involving your pet and a root vegetable Tattoo Bible verses all over your body and then do a strip tease for your friends Should anyone spill a drink on you, scream, "It burns, it burns!" in a possessed Linda Blair voice. Declare sock garters to be back in fashion and wear a pair. Nothing else. Put everyone's keys in the toilet to prevent drunk driving Arrive late, drunk and loudly announce, "Well, it looks like I've slept with everyone at…

Complete this sentence #28, One word comment

24 December, 2005Posted inObservations78 Comments
Longtime reader Dante's idea: Good thing, too. I start a story and each one of you continues it. Here's the catch: You can only add one word per comment. Got that? One word. I knew I'd given grandmother my lover's present when she opened the box and pulled out a huge ________.viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online viagra cheapest viagra prices herbal viagra alternative to viagra buy generic viagra…

Last Minute Gift Ideas

23 December, 2005Posted inObservations27 Comments
This year, give gifts that they'll never forget. Or forgive. A bucket of fresh, molten lava Their very own Manure Spreader A stack of stolen porn An Igia Hair Removal kit A map of Guam A new tongue scraper An actual Jivaro shrunken head A sea lamprey A date with this woman A bowl of eyelashes What are you planning on buying this year? viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra…

Overheard: Oyster Bar Edition

22 December, 2005Posted inObservations27 Comments
After finding the impossible present for Natalie today, I was quite proud and decided to celebrate at my luck by stopping at Tom's Oyster Bar for some chowdah and a Guinness, henceforth known as the best lunch ever. Nearby was a boisterous couple. Their conversation was both amusing and ridiculous. I jotted down as much as I could on a napkin for your enjoyment, because I love you. Background: She is from Miami and met him online. He wants her to move in with him, but she wants a ring on her finger first. All of her earthly possessions are…

Notes to Self, No. 5,822, Nachos Edition

20 December, 2005Posted inObservations26 Comments
"Restaurant Style" tortilla chips means, "Our retarded bagger sat on them, crushing each chip to an ant-sized bite." Four jalapenos are more than sufficient for one plate of nachos. Eleven may be over the top. Trust me on this. Cats will not eat nachos, not matter how hungry they are. True fact: Queso is actually made from molten Play-Doh. The number of ounces of cheese you add to nachos is directly proportional to the number of hours you will spend regretting the decision to make nachos. viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra…

1st Level Web Master Spells

18 December, 2005Posted inObservations13 Comments
Protection against Comic Sans: Protects beginning Web Designers from succumbing to the fetid odor of this most noxious font. Dispel MIDI: Makes the spell caster immune to the dissonant shrieks of embedded MIDI soundtracks on personal homepages. Detect Rainbow: Spell destroys rainbow divider bars. Temporarily dispels rainbow-colored text. Mage Page: Magic spell to dispel popup ads and prevent javascript page takeovers. Obscure Animation: Prevents animated GIFs of gay Spiderman from dancing more than one round. Cursor Curse: Prevents the mouse from being followed by animated trails of stars, unicorns and flowers. Vampiric Styles: Touch removes ghastly stylesheets that only work…

Martini garnishes to avoid

14 December, 2005Posted inObservations43 Comments
Spruce needles Bacon Ramen Live guppies Dijonnaise Bullion cubes Gouda Spam Poutine Scrambled Egg Pepperoni Mice Balut Chitterlings Krab Meringue Foil a Guinea Pig Pie And your suggestion? viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online viagra cheapest viagra prices herbal viagra alternative to viagra buy generic viagra purchase viagra online free viagra without prescription viagra attorneys free viagra samples before buying buy generic viagra cheap viagra uk generic viagra online…

Meat Floss

11 December, 2005Posted inObservations25 Comments
Minnie sent me an excellent book entitled "Here Speeching American", something my readers excel at. I love the Engrish shopping sections, one in particular from—where else—Japan. Door No. 1 Entrance Door No. 2 Exitrance Aisle A: Caned Fruit Aisle B: Caned Vegitarian Caned Fish Meat Caned Meat Floss "A lovely paper for your toilet life" [Toilet paper wrapping] "Be half as fresh as the day is long [Tampon slogan] Rechee Milk Flavor Chips: Use for snack, fun, panties What's the strangest label you've ever seen?viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra…

Complete this Sentence, #28

06 December, 2005Posted inObservations49 Comments
At the last office Christmas party, it was all we could do to keep my assistant from pulling out his ________ .viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online viagra cheapest viagra prices herbal viagra alternative to viagra buy generic viagra purchase viagra online free viagra without prescription viagra attorneys free viagra samples before buying buy generic viagra cheap viagra uk generic viagra online try viagra for free generic viagra from…

How to photograph a cat

05 December, 2005Posted inObservations31 Comments
Place cat on sunny spot near a window Focus camera Move cat back onto sunny spot near window Focus camera Look for cat under sofa Call for cat Get out can opener Put cat back on sunny spot Focus camera Marvel at beauty of cat Praise cat for sitting so still Take photo Look at preview window Notice cat is conspicuously absent from photo Look for cat Put double-sided tape on sunny spot by window Drop cat on tape Focus camera Take photo Marvel at photo of cat clawing your camera in two viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic…

Why I hate local news

03 December, 2005Posted inObservations14 Comments
Brock: "On today's headlines, why opening your front door could be hazardous to your health." Michelle: "Also on today's headlines, you may be harboring a menace in your refrigerator and not even know it. Hear about dangers to your children that are lurking in your kitchen." Brock: "But first, a look at this morning's waking-up weather report." Skip: "Looks like we're in for some wild weather. I'll tell you all about it, right after we hear about this morning's commute." Deb: "Area freeways are looking congested. I'll tell you which ones, right after the break." [ commercial break ] Brock:…