Tag: Observations
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Note to Self
Trader Joe’s vegetarian burritos are combustible and may explode upon contact with fork.
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2006 New Years Resolutions
Every year since this site began in 1995, I have posted my resolutions. To date, I am still not King of the World, Master of Time, Space and Depravity, but I am still trying. Continue on my yearly mission to find a cure for clowns and mimes Catering to my 15 year-old cat’s ever changing…
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Ten things to do at a New Year’s Eve party
Wake up writing someone else’s blog Declare war on Iraq! Oh wait, never mind… Plaster the streets with incriminating photos involving your pet and a root vegetable Tattoo Bible verses all over your body and then do a strip tease for your friends Should anyone spill a drink on you, scream, “It burns, it burns!”…
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Complete this sentence #28, One word comment
Longtime reader Dante’s idea: Good thing, too. I start a story and each one of you continues it. Here’s the catch: You can only add one word per comment. Got that? One word. I knew I’d given grandmother my lover’s present when she opened the box and pulled out a huge ________. viagra free viagra…
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Last Minute Gift Ideas
This year, give gifts that they’ll never forget. Or forgive. A bucket of fresh, molten lava Their very own Manure Spreader A stack of stolen porn An Igia Hair Removal kit A map of Guam A new tongue scraper An actual Jivaro shrunken head A sea lamprey A date with this woman A bowl of…
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Overheard: Oyster Bar Edition
After finding the impossible present for Natalie today, I was quite proud and decided to celebrate at my luck by stopping at Tom’s Oyster Bar for some chowdah and a Guinness, henceforth known as the best lunch ever. Nearby was a boisterous couple. Their conversation was both amusing and ridiculous. I jotted down as much…
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Notes to Self, No. 5,822, Nachos Edition
“Restaurant Style” tortilla chips means, “Our retarded bagger sat on them, crushing each chip to an ant-sized bite.” Four jalapenos are more than sufficient for one plate of nachos. Eleven may be over the top. Trust me on this. Cats will not eat nachos, not matter how hungry they are. True fact: Queso is actually…
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1st Level Web Master Spells
Protection against Comic Sans: Protects beginning Web Designers from succumbing to the fetid odor of this most noxious font. Dispel MIDI: Makes the spell caster immune to the dissonant shrieks of embedded MIDI soundtracks on personal homepages. Detect Rainbow: Spell destroys rainbow divider bars. Temporarily dispels rainbow-colored text. Mage Page: Magic spell to dispel popup…
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Story Problem No. 2
Dog is to London Underground as trepanation is to ________ . Misery is to sophistry as sea cucumbers are to ________ . Geysers are to petting zoos as wingnuts are to ________ .
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Martini garnishes to avoid
Spruce needles Bacon Ramen Live guppies Dijonnaise Bullion cubes Gouda Spam Poutine Scrambled Egg Pepperoni Mice Balut Chitterlings Krab Meringue Foil a Guinea Pig Pie And your suggestion? viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra…
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Meat Floss
Minnie sent me an excellent book entitled “Here Speeching American”, something my readers excel at. I love the Engrish shopping sections, one in particular from—where else—Japan. Door No. 1 Entrance Door No. 2 Exitrance Aisle A: Caned Fruit Aisle B: Caned Vegitarian Caned Fish Meat Caned Meat Floss “A lovely paper for your toilet life”…
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Complete this Sentence, #28
At the last office Christmas party, it was all we could do to keep my assistant from pulling out his ________ . viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female…
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