God is your co-writer

17 July, 2004Posted inObservations35 Comments
Christianity is a beautiful religion with a big problem. Marketing. No other religion feels so compelled to proselytize through the dubious medium of bumper stickers (except Wiccans, and they just do it to be silly). The bumper stickers would be fine … if they made any sense. Read some of the following stickers (all real, I might add) and see if any of them would make you feel compelled to convert. It's hard to stumble when you're on your knees. (Is this about prayer or blowjobs?) Make your eternal reservations now -- 'smoking' or 'non-smoking'? As sure as God puts…

Welcome to my world

16 July, 2004Posted inObservations13 Comments
Ever watched the credits roll at the cinema or on television all the way to the end? Your eyes get so used to the upward motion of the credits that when they finally stop your eyes suddenly get the illusion that the room is falling slightly. My whole life is like that.viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online viagra cheapest viagra prices herbal viagra alternative to viagra buy generic viagra…

People we can safely dislike #2

14 July, 2004Posted inObservations15 Comments
Guys who wear t-shirts with tuxedos printed on them. People who finish their sentences by clucking their tongue. Every time. I don't mind the odd lawn gnome or statue of Mary, but when it gets to be a village… People whose entire philosophical base can be summarized through the 18 bumperstickers littering their Chevy Astro. Coworkers who feel every situation warrants a line from Homer Simpson. People who take "pitchers" with their "point 'n' snaps". Anyone who whips out their gold card at the dollar store Men who claim to have confronted and fought off Bigfoot. Drivers who take pains…

All right, who befoozled the Intraweb again?

08 July, 2004Posted inObservations20 Comments
Tech Support Person in Bangladesh: "Good evening and hello today. I am please to help you very much." Clueless computer user in Duluth: "It's morning, sonny. Do you know stuff about computers and all cause I don't know a thing." Tech Support: "Yes, sir. I am having the Microsoft Certification last year." Clueless in Duluth: ] "It's ma'am, not sir. Microsoft huh? What if I have an Apple?" Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but this is a technical help phone is. We are having Microsoft problem helpings daily every day. We do not service the Apple computers is. I…

My Private Hell

30 June, 2004Posted inObservations32 Comments
There is a theory that each man and woman has a personal Hell waiting for them. No, not the checkout line at Starbucks. I mean after we die, sillies. A Hell comprised of our worst fears. Surely then, my hell would include: Environment of Hell: All the inhabitants of Hell are clowns. They are all named Biff. Each one pronounces "Biff" differently and takes great offense should you mispronounce it. Everything is painted puce. There are old, buzzing neon Bud Light signs covering every wall. There are no outdoors. Hell is one enormous indoor mall populated with screaming toddlers who…

Who needs zoos when you live in one?

28 June, 2004Posted inObservations14 Comments
It's true. I may be the last human left in my building. I'm in the center apartment, upstairs. To my left are chimpanzees, that screech and whoop during ESPN Sports Center and The Man Show. To my right, the party animals. A young couple of indeterminate species that enjoy drinking until they vomit over their balcony, or playing a quiet game of "throw empties at the raccoons". Below my are the Albanian hyenas which I have written extensively on. On the lower right, a flock of flamingos that enjoy preening their scaly legs on the balcony and flashing their boobies…

Banish Inadequacy

25 June, 2004Posted inObservations17 Comments
This is just… I don't know. I got nothing. Please sign my petition to get this evil product off the market. Just the thing for that next church picnic: Heavy Metal Belly Dancers! This man's head does not match hiis body. In fact, his head may not match anyone's body. [Link via Nikki] Llap Goch! Ancient Welsh martial art.