Observations

That Halogen high-beams have been stapled to my eyelids An Ivory Woodpecker has mistaken the left side of my head for an Elm Tree The pads on my cats' feet have been fitted with cinder blocks The sun is now one metre from my window That all food is made of cardboard, spiced with dryer lint The neighbour's vacuum cleaner is louder than front row at a Motorhead concert Tiger Woods is using my forehead for driving practice That Comcast's Internet service has gone out again—no wait, that one's real That someone is using a cheese grater on my cerebral…

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I met someone at the coffeehouse today who claimed to know me. HIM: "You do the websites, right buddy?" ME: "Yes, I do." HIM: "Yeah, I heard about you. You do that funny site with the monkeys and clown-devil things." ME: "Nnnnnnoooooo. That doesn't sound like anything I've done." HIM: "Don't you that Ben Stiller site?" ME: "Davezilla." HIM: "OK. I gotcha now. Yeah, you had the calendar. Didn't they pay you, and now I bet you retire, huh?" ME: "Well it wasn't that much money." HIM: "I tell ya what. I can sell your calendar door to door, see.…

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It was the third Wednesday of the month and that meant the department was having its monthly lunch at the Boobatorium. It isn't really called that. It's sort of a poor man's Hooters. The typical sports bar you'd see in any town, except that the waitresses wear less than many swimsuit models. Our waitress's breasts seemed intent on leaving the confines of their flimsy fortress of fabric. Every time she bent over to leave a straw or napkin, she would intentionally press her arms together, forcing her breasts to smash and protrude like twin loaves of dough rising from inseparable…

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