Stumpy McSpeedybottom

If I had a pet snail, I would feed him Chiclets. His name would be Stumpy McSpeedybottom. Unless it was a girl snail. Then I would name her Ben.

He would wake me up every day at 6am for his morning crawl. We would read the newspaper together and I would wipe the slime from page 3A.

In our retirement days, I would stare at the sun until my eyes had blue dots in front of them and his eye stalks dried out. Then we’d share one final ice cream and I’d pour salt on him and watch him quiver and die.

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Show 15 Comments


  1. Bob Downe

    bless you!


  2. I feel like I’ve just read the synopsis of a snail snuff film. You can call it “Escargot II:Morton’s Revenge.”

  3. Spud

    I liked the story, right up until old speedy got the salt.

    Then I cried.


  4. Kirk

    When I was a child, I had brought some snails to the home aquarium from a summer vacation at the lake. The only thing I remember about snails is that one day we had 3 or 4 snails and the next time we looked we had a tank full. Frisky little fellows!

    Two further observations: 1) I knew leeches could be killed by salt, but I did not know the same effect was on snails. 2) Why would you salt the little bugger before you dropped him in the boiling hot water for a tasty treat. One should always taste their meal before adding salt.

  5. I didn’t know you could off a snail with salt either! I knew you could do that with slugs. Snails are pretty good for cleaning up a fishtank, but I can’t see any other real purpose for them.

  6. Touching, absolutely touching! I cried for hours. Then, I sneezed. Oh, sorry, it’s snail slime.

  7. JFLY

    This redneck finds a snail on his backporch…he picks up the snail and hurls it as far as he can across his yard. Three months later, he gets a knock on his backdoor. He answers it and finds the same snail sitting there. The snail says “WTF was THAT for?!!!” :wtf:

  8. If I had another cat, his name would be Señor Catolino. He would wear a tiny bolero jacket and have the finest whiskers in all the land.

    Dave knows the rest of the story. 😉

  9. Spud

    Thanks Kirk, my day is now complete.


  10. Teach you snail to jump:
    1. place your snail on a flat surface and surround him/her with a thin circle of finely ground sodium chloride.
    2. Place delicious lettuce leaves outside the salt sircle.
    3. Go have a coffee.
    4. Repeat as necessary until you find a sufficiently athletic snail.

  11. I had a pet slug for a little bit. I kept him outside and fed him french fries. When I went out to check on him, I found him half dead and the other half eaten by a raccoon who must have mistaken him for an extra tasty fry.

    It was a sad day for me.

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