Where does the time go?

19 October, 2005Posted inObservations14 Comments
We've all asked ourself the question, "Where does the time go?" I think I have the answer to that question. Look at the photo below: It's quite obvious. Troy is stealing time from the rest of us. How else could they be the city of tomorrow, today?

New Old Wives’ Tales to scare children with

18 October, 2005Posted inObservations22 Comments
Seeing an ambulance is very unlucky and if you see one, it's coming to take mommy and daddy away. Forever. A bird flying in the house means you won't have a birthday this year. If you blow out all the candles on your birthday cake with the first puff you will get your wish. If you fail, all your presents will be sent to starving children in China who will eat them. If your cheeks suddenly feel on fire, someone is telling your parents that you are failing in school. It's bad luck to pick up a coin if it's…

Happy birthday, soda lover

14 October, 2005Posted inObservations20 Comments
I was nine and going to my grandmother's for my birthday. I loved going to my grandmother's house. It was creaky, dark and she had children's books dating back to the 1920s. The only odd thing about her was her recipes were … unexpected, to say the least. This particular birthday, I was dropped off to spend the weekend at my grandmother's with my cousin, whose birthday was a few days before mine. She made a cake for both of us. "Do you like chocolate cake, boys?" Silly question. Of course we did. She returned with a cake with strange…

Overheard: Carpet Cleaners Edition

13 October, 2005Posted inObservations26 Comments
Carpet Cleaner #1: "Dude, you ever been to Screaming Eagle Casino?" Carpet Cleaner #2: "Do you mean, Soaring Eagle?" CC #1: "Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah, that one. I been there last week and I wasn't s'pposed to be cause I'm on probation still." CC #2: "What the Hell for? CC #1: "Oh, my ole lady turn me in cause I shit in her sock." CC #2: "The Hell. Just for that? CC #2: "Wait. This the same broad that made you a cake outta watermelon?" CC #1: "No, this is another one. Jill, man. I'll shit in her sock again tonight if she…

Cindy says

11 October, 2005Posted inObservations63 Comments
I apologize for not having a photo to accompany this post. Really. The best freak in my entire Freak Watching career apears and I am without camera. Shameful. For weeks now, the baristas at a certain major coffee chain have been bugging me to get a photograph of Joan. Joan is a transvestite, which to me does not qualify as a freak. I see nothing wrong with cross-dressing. Then I met Joan. Picture Abe Vigoda in a skirt. Add a second-hand, puce sweater and dowdy, brown skirt. Oh, and a talking purse named Cindy. Cindy doesn't really talk, or at…

Why God, why? II

10 October, 2005Posted inObservations33 Comments
Someone pointed me to the second in a series of products that I simply do not grasp. This one being Preggie and Queasy Pops. I shit you not. Preggie Pops are alleged to ease morning sickness. This is no doubt a great relief to many women who will wonder if they cause pregnancy. I wonder, do they come in sperm flavor? Is the center filled with Contraceptive Jelly? It's the Queasy Pops that have me a little off-put. Do they make one ill? Perhaps you ram one down the throat with great force to induce vomiting. Do they come in…

Why God, why?

05 October, 2005Posted inObservations45 Comments
Someone, somewhere though that adding LEDs to slippers was a bright idea (pun intended). I don't care. I really don't. I won't buy them, and I reserve the right to laugh openly at those who do. Here's my issue. It's billed as, "the perfect gift for any occasion". Any occasion? Seriously, if your neighbor just lost her husband, would you knock on her door and say, "I know things seem dark now, but these slippers will bring some light into your life." I think not. Any occasion? Would you give a pair to a baby boy after his circumcision? "Here,…