Category: Observations

In the summer of 1978 I landed my first job at a tropical fish store. It was perfect; one mile from home, free pot and discounts on the fish supplies (important to me as I had 14 aquariums at the time). There was a local eccentric named Steven that spent his afternoons in the fish…

Ask if the woodchippers can handle human limbs Tell the salesclerk you need some bent nails to hammer around corners with. Inquire “hypothetically” how much lye is needed to bury say… a dozen bodies? Ask which cleansers get out all traces of DNA. Walk through the saw aisle and mutter to yourself that, “…the job…

The answers to the ten questions I get asked most often. Your mission is to determine what those questions are. I write my name in the snow with it. Yes. An old pussy with short, black hair. She uses a long strap to hold it up with. Yes, but I was young and needed the…

Grag your phone when it isn’t ringing and scream, “Stop taunting me like this!” Show up doused in White Out. Tell everyone you’re just trying to cover your past mistakes. Announce that tomorrow you will bring fruit salad for the entire office. Use durian. Add, “Please see attachments,” to every email you send. Include JPGs…

Downward blow to the neck… with sporks Strangulation with a roll of Scotch brand invisible tape Poison his air supply with Febreeze Bra strap double-barrel catapult Force-feed him a kitchen sponge Thong slingshot with a roll of quarters Repeated watchings of Golden Girls Maxipad mouthgag Kidney punched a with statue of St. Anthony Tampon eyestrike…

Pour Coke on the floor the previous night and allow to harden. Garnish with wads of chewing gum. Buy a DVD, but not the extended version. Make popcorn, but put all the butter on one side of the bowl. Set your cell phone to go off randomly throughout the film. Place an obstacle that is…

I was thinking recently about my cat. If asked to define her using only someone else’s quotes, it would surely be, “The lady doth protest too much, methinks.” What quotes would you use to define yourself or your pets? viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra…

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