Name that Yoga technique

11 June, 2006Posted inObservations28 Comments
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Creepy things to ask at hardware stores

09 June, 2006Posted inObservations31 Comments
Ask if the woodchippers can handle human limbs Tell the salesclerk you need some bent nails to hammer around corners with. Inquire "hypothetically" how much lye is needed to bury say… a dozen bodies? Ask which cleansers get out all traces of DNA. Walk through the saw aisle and mutter to yourself that, "…the job will be messy". Beg the clerk to show you which tools were used in Saw II. "Nail guns. Which one has the same range as a real gun? I need to make it look like an accident." Go in the gun aisle and ask if…

Little known facts about me.

06 June, 2006Posted inObservations29 Comments
The answers to the ten questions I get asked most often. Your mission is to determine what those questions are. I write my name in the snow with it. Yes. An old pussy with short, black hair. She uses a long strap to hold it up with. Yes, but I was young and needed the money. Several times. Getting it from the back hurt the most. Yes. She often ends up licking mine, too. I stopped doing that. I heard you can go blind. I kept him locked in a cage with his friends, down in my basement. One by…

20 ways to be left alone at work

19 May, 2006Posted inObservations35 Comments
Grag your phone when it isn't ringing and scream, "Stop taunting me like this!" Show up doused in White Out. Tell everyone you're just trying to cover your past mistakes. Announce that tomorrow you will bring fruit salad for the entire office. Use durian. Add, "Please see attachments," to every email you send. Include JPGs of Captain Crunch or He-Man. Learn to whistle through your nose. Deny doing it. Announce in a worried tone that your pet Hobo spider is missing. Ask Human Resources what their policy is on chronic bedwetters. When asked what you did on vacation, reply sincerely,…

Kill a Man in Unexpected Ways

17 May, 2006Posted inObservations39 Comments
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Have the movie theatre experience at home

14 May, 2006Posted inObservations26 Comments
Pour Coke on the floor the previous night and allow to harden. Garnish with wads of chewing gum. Buy a DVD, but not the extended version. Make popcorn, but put all the butter on one side of the bowl. Set your cell phone to go off randomly throughout the film. Place an obstacle that is taller than you, directly in front of your seat. Throw popcorn at yourself. Leer at yourself and flirt shamelessly. Do not pause the DVD for bathroom breaks. Ask yourself outloud what is happening. Do this every ten minutes. Give away the ending to yourself. With…

What quote defines you?

13 May, 2006Posted inObservations44 Comments
I was thinking recently about my cat. If asked to define her using only someone else's quotes, it would surely be, "The lady doth protest too much, methinks." What quotes would you use to define yourself or your pets?viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online viagra cheapest viagra prices herbal viagra alternative to viagra buy generic viagra purchase viagra online free viagra without prescription viagra attorneys free viagra samples before…

One of these things is not like the other…

12 May, 2006Posted inObservations39 Comments
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OK, fess up…

07 May, 2006Posted inObservations31 Comments
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Bad things I’ve mistaken for toothpaste…

02 May, 2006Posted inObservations48 Comments
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