Category: Observations

Special Guest Author: Jules OdeNile If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work,…

Airhorn during naptime Get out the laser pointer but don’t turn it on Place a grocery bag on the floor. When she creeps invariably inside it, scoop the bag up rapidly Itching powder in the cat litter Pour catnip on double-sided tape Force them to watch the entire Wings/Penguins game with you, through triple overtime…

Girl 1: “Have you seen my new tat? I don’t think I’ve seen you since I got it.” Girl 2: “No! Lemme see!” [looks at her shoulderblade] Girl 2: “Oh, cool! Is it permanent?” Girl 1: “Yeah… That’s kinda the point.” Girl 2: “Really? Nothing will wash it off?” Girl 1: [shakes head] Girl 1:…

I looked up the definition of thong by accident (yeah, right) and found an interesting word as part of the definition: Thong underwear and swimwear is a style characterized by a thin strip of material along the center of the garment’s rear designed to sit between the wearer’s asscheeks connecting the front or pouch to…

Dogs lay eggs. Your parents hide them from you and you eat them on Easter. Clowns eat children. After your pointless birthday party, one of your friends will be sacrificed to appease them. If you don’t eat your vegetables, you will have to stay in the third grade forever. Your parents only make you take…

Order the identical meal as your friend. When the waitress puts them down on the table, give her a dirty look and switch plates, shaking your heads as if you’ve never seen anything so stupid. If the restaurant serves those deep-fried Twinkies (or anything similarly artificial), ask if the Twinkies are free-range organic. Both order…

Here’s a question. If you see a man wearing his napkin as a bib at a non-seafood restaurant, should you assume he is an adult baby? I do. My guess is that the makeshift bib is a signal to other adult babies and nannies that this restaurant is diaper-friendly. Just thrown’ it out there. [BTW,…

While your partner is brushing their teeth In the middle of a funeral Mid-hurricane While juggling flaming hatchets During a tightrope walkover the Grand Canyon While being hunted down by cannibal clowns After divorcing them During a zombie outbreak While shark baiting underwater When do you think would be an inappropriate time to initiate sex?…

Psychically melt the brains of the person(s) responsible for the meeting. Switch the agenda for one written in Pig Latin. Stare intently at the speaker’s face as if they have a monstrous zit on their cheek. Give the “your zipper is down” signal to the speaker numerous times during the meeting. Scream at the top…

If someone tells you they are at your disposal, does that mean they are standing by your kitchen sink? If a AA bra that is extra small, and a DD bra is extra large, why are there no BB or CC bras for women who are nicely average? What the hell kinda name is Chock…