Mean things to teach third graders

  1. Dogs lay eggs. Your parents hide them from you and you eat them on Easter.
  2. Clowns eat children. After your pointless birthday party, one of your friends will be sacrificed to appease them.
  3. If you don’t eat your vegetables, you will have to stay in the third grade forever.
  4. Your parents only make you take math as a punishment.
  5. The only kids that can see Santa Claus are the ones who eat broccoli, rhubarb and spinach.
  6. Sixth graders learn to turn invisible in science class. Then they watch you in the bathroom.
  7. Diaries are closely monitored by the government. Everything you write in them gets read aloud on the evening news so your parents can have a good laugh at you.
  8. Your parents stopped having children when they saw how embarrassing you turned out to be.
  9. What mean things would you teach a third grader?


  1. Yankeerose32

    Boogers are a great source of protien and vitamin C 😛

  2. Spud

    Oh you’re going to make a terrific father when the time comes Dave, oh yeah I can just imagine the stories you’ll tell them like those above. Just remember, payback is a bitch, especially when your eighty and they hide your dentures in the morning, or perhaps they’ll pinch the tube to your colostomy bag and watch you turn yellow overnight, oh what laughter and merriment there will be, and you’ll just slap your sides, throw back your head laugh and say “You got me” then fall over because you forgot, they hid your walker.

    As for the subject at hand, I’d say the one that stuck with me all the way oh so long ago from the third grade is this… ‘If you keep doing that and the wind changes, your face will stay like that’ I was always wtf? omg! :wtf:

    1. If the TV isn’t working well, just unplug it and lick the electrical socket.
    2. If there is a monster under your bed it can probably chew its way through a mattress anyway so don’t worry about putting your feet on the floor. It won’t make any difference.
    3. God buried fossils to test your faith.
    4. Mommy and Daddy got divorced because you forgot to flush the toilet that one time.
    5. If you denounce your teacher for promoting decadent counter-revolutionary propaganda, he will be sent to a labor camp somewhere in Mongolia.
  3. Spud

    Oh, you will pay for those comments, yes you will burn in hell!

    Apart from that, it was as funny as all get out, the licking the socket one was especially creative.

  4. Chris S.

    Pet fish love it when you bang on the glass of the tank. Thats why they swim around all excitedly when you do it.

    Dogs love getting their tummy scratched and cats love getting their tails pulled.

    Putting peanut butter in your underwear prevents you from catching cooties.

    Eating too much candy isn’t bad for your teeth, your parents just want it for themselves.

    Milk is actually cow blood, colored white.

    Saying the “F” word over and over actually makes Santa bring you MORE presents for Christmas. Your parents tell you its bad because they don’t want you to get spoiled.

  5. julesOdeNile

    “we your parents still have the receipt so keep throwing a tantrum like that and you’ll soon be replaced with a shinny new baby!!!” 👿

    old classic ” keep sucking on your thumb, (or finger) and your tummy will get big like that (pregnant) lady’s” then sit back and hear the crazy things the kid repeats in parties when expectant ladies come around: “I know what you’ve been sucking on….” 😀

  6. [Comment ID #299738 will appear here]

    My parents actually believe and taught me the “fossils are here to test our faith” line. I replied, “No, Mom. You were put here to test my patience.”

  7. Um, Dave, talked to real third graders lately? I got a second grader around here who wouldn’t go for any of these — gotta get them before preschool these days. They’re jaded by grade three, will call family services on your ass or google the particular thing. On their own cell phones.

  8. If you fart too many times, your ass will explode.

    Your imaginary friend left you for me. And we’re getting married!

    Santa gave up putting coal in stockings years ago. He now uses dried doo.

    Throwing up after every meal will make you look like Barbie.

    You’re unpopular because you suck.

  9. Your parents hide knives from you cause they know you’ll be better at juggling them than they will.

  10. tina

    yellow snow gives you luscious hair, nails, and for boys….a huge wang….

  11. junkman

    if you ever wondered why you have a small penis you might want to check out your dad’s!

    babies are made of rubber. so if you want one you have to put a rubber ball in your hoo hoo.

    they didn’t just take out your tonsils you know.

    your dead pet didn’t go to heaven because it didn’t die. we gave it to a child that deserved it more.

    your teeth will continue to drop out as the scurvy gets worse.

  12. chainstay

    The freeway is actually a playground for cars; go play with them!

  13. crazy

    Ya, I’ve GOT third graders- my kids says you’re full of buncombe: If you eat the eggs your dog lays your eyes won’t be the only thing that’s brown, fossils are here to PROVE God’s existance, and they have flooded my house to disprove the thing about the 6th graders! TWICE! :dead: :limp:

  14. Going commando to school is guaranteed to get you better grades

    Spam is made from the bones and flesh of old teachers, so eat up!

    Working in advertising is the best way to learn about the caring, sharing nature of the human race. And if you can’t land a job there, try Hollywood.

  15. Vicki

    It’s ok to ask your teacher if he or she got any last night.

  16. Lake Effect

    I’ve got a sister-in-law that always told her daughters that if they didn’t behave, she was sending them back to the gypsies (No offense to all of our gypsy friends.). They were also told that some of the pregnant ladies they saw were in the process of sending their kids ‘back where they came from’, because they wouldn’t listen to their moms, and that the missing child posters in post offices etc. were kids the gov’t was trying to track down for misbehaving. Also, cops, of course, were also always watching for bad behavior, and had plenty of room in the jail for more kids. The girls turned out ok, but still won’t look directly at or talk to a cop, and I’m thinking there’s some long-term therapy down the road one of these days. Hopefully before they have kids of their own.

  17. Sandeera

    I told my kids that the people who work at Taco Bell are really police officers and if they didn’t have their seat belt on they would put them in jail. Youngest is now 15 and tells me all the time that she believed me until she was almost 11.

  18. If you run to your bedroom, take off you clothes, moves your hands all over your body and say “I want a bicycle”, you won’t get it. That only works for mommies.

  19. Rene

    My older sister used to have a poster up in her room of Gene Simmons with his whole Kiss make up and outfit on. It was a really scarry picture of him. She used to tell me that if I did not go to bed he was going to come and get me. That was when I was like 5. I am now 36 and I can not look at a picture of KISS without getting a really uneasy feeling.
    I was also told that if I ate watermelon seeds or swallowed lemon seeds that I would have a plant growing out of me. I tried this on my 2nd and 4th grader and they just laughed at me. So we as parents have to be more creative these days. :wtf: 😕

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