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Jelly of the Damned
These type of ads from the 1950s really disturb the living hell outta me. Her peg-like teeth are ready to devour her mother's soft, fleshy hands. Much tastier than the jelly, which seems to be made from freshly crushed dog livers. This child is to be feared and burned at the stake. Her head must be removed to prevent her from returning to the living, her mouth stuffed with garlic and a cross.
Things I Learned from Sports Movies
Every sports movie will have an ‘80s sound track, no matter what decade it was produced in. The raspy singer will over-stretch his limited vocal range on the chorus causing the local bat population to go into estrus. The keyboards will feature default Casio sounds that are barely audible under the wailing guitar pyrotechnics. A down-and-out, last-place team can always be rallied into first place in one season by the simple addition of one player with a winning attitude. The local last place team will have facilities worse than those in most federal penitentiaries. A has-been great player can always…
What’s in your background check?
I once ran a background check on myself. Hey, I don't always know where I've been. Most of it was fairly straightforward (previous addresses, phone numbers, tax records, etc.) but a few things arose that totally threw me. How did they know these things? For instance, they knew… …that I roll the toilet paper over, not under. …that I prefer boxers to briefs. …that I had favorited the History Channel, but never actually watched it. …that I know how to pick up an ice cube using only a piece of string and some salt. …that I know how to say…
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