Things I don’t understand:

Why coffee isn't an essential food group. Why all sitcom fathers are bumbling idiots. Why on commercials, when a family sits down for dinner, everyone nods in unison. Why talentless mouthbreathers like Paulie Shore, Carrot Top, Jessica Simpson and Starr Jones continue to get contracts to be in front of a camera. Why most of the Midwest still dresses like it's 1987. Why none of Donald Trump's assistants have the balls to tell him how bad his toupée looks. Why most women begin collecting Hummel figurines as soon as they turn 50. Why I am still getting three copies of…

Cowboyeeeee

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Caption Time #73

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Ruminations

Anyone who has ever been in a a car with a woman for more than five miles knows one immutable fact: they have to pee already. They went while getting ready to leave. Right as you held the door open for them, they ran back in to pee once more. Now that you have been driving for ten minutes, they need to pull over and pee again. No doubt, the first thing they will do on arrival is pee again. This leads me to one inescapable conclusion. Cows, deer and other ruminants have four-chambered stomachs. Women, have four-chambered bladders.

True story

Earlier this week my 19 year-old brother was laying in his bedroom trying to take an afternoon nap. He heard the front door open to the apartment. He figured our dad had gotten off work early. He hears the fridge open and close and then he hears someone in the bathroom. Then suddenly he hears this extremely loud pounding. Wondering what the hell my dad is doing my brother jumps up and opens his bedroom door! Only to find a naked woman beating the shit out of my dad's bedroom door (he keeps it locked at all times) The woman…

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Pumpkins walk among us

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