The Fifth Circle of Hell

CANTO XIII: In most of the United States, when it’s time to renew your driver’s license, or get new tabs for your plates, you might go to the DMV (Dept. of Motor Vehicles). Not so in Michigan. We go to the Secretary of State—known to Dante Alighieri as the Fifth Circle of Hell. It is here that Phlegyas ushers wayward travelers to their rightful place: waiting in line for eternity among the wrathful. A soup kitchen queue for the Damned, if you will.

Should you be fortunate enough to have your number called out in under a decade, one of Lucifer’s infernal minions—known as a “state employee”—sizes you up and determines your fate. Most of us have only come to renew a drivers license, a matter these brutish she-demons take quite seriously.

They begin the torture by asking you several personal questions (height, weight, etc.) the answers of which are bellowed out for all to hear. This is meant to humiliate you as their cringe-worthy breath peels back several layers of epidermis from your face and neck.

The most intolerable part for me was watching her huge, warty meathooks curl their greasy talons around my proof of insurance. The resultant grease spot smelled of Cool Ranch Doritos and brimstone. The stain, I am led to believe, is Satan’s own Mark, signifying me as the proud owner of a new license.

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Overheard: People are fuh-reaks edition

GIRL 1: “Um, I got him a tie, a video game and his-and-hers buttplugs.”
GIRL 2: ‘OMG! I bought Mike the same things!”

[From Natalie, overheard on the subway:] MAN: “Don’t those blow-up dolls come with orifices and shit?”

PERSON IN DELI: “Is this milk? It says it is. Is it?”

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Movie Reviews in Haiku

Reviews in Haiku

300
Best. Movie. Evar.
Goddamned kids keep yelling out,
“Dude! This… is… SPARTAAAAAA!”

Beowulf
Did they really have
Hot chicks like Angelina
In ancient Denmark?

Spiderman 3
Wow, three criminals
That’s three times the excitement
And one third the plot.

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
Captain Jack is gone
Thankfully Keira has not
Gotten breast implants.

Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny
Jack and Kyle rock out
But Ben Stiller’s cameo
Just sucks donkey balls.

Facebook apps I want to see

  1. Auto Ignore: Getting too many app requests? Not only will this app ignore all requests from your annoying so-called friends, it will simultaneously remove the app from their profile. Fun!
  2. Great FunWall of China: Like FunWall, but with more restrictions. A lot more. It’s really not all that fun, come to think of it. Don’t bother installing it.
  3. iHate: Face it. Your friends have shit taste in music and feel compelled to share it with you. Rating system allows you to mark marginally-talented fucking pathetic bands like Nickelback and Styx as the bottom feeders they truly are.
  4. What Kind of Complete Asshole Are You?: Are you a complete asshole, or merely a fucktard? See how your friends have rated you, rate them, and post it for the entire world to see! Map feature allows you to post your friend’s profile pic over their home address on Google Maps, regardless of their privacy settings!
  5. SuperPerv: Allows Facebook Beacon to publicly display the private purchases your friends make on eBay, Wicked Weasel, GoodVibes or Real Doll.
  6. Nice Guys Finish Lunch: See what your friends had for lunch! Like you care!
  7. SuperSuckr: Sick of joining Facebook apps the first day, only to find out your friends are 10,000,000,000 points ahead of you? Use SuperSuckr to subtract their points and add them to your profile. Illegal in every civilized nation.
  8. Someone is Stalking You!: Three people are stalking you! Find out what they like and wear it in your pictures to drive them insane.
  9. RockBook: Some of us are allergic to cats and hate walking dogs. That’s why we have pet rocks—the silent, loyal companion who never dies and never ruins the furniture. Use RockBook to find other rocks with similar interests. You can even stroke, polish or throw other rocks!
  10. What Facebook apps would you like to see?
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Shut happens

Shut happens

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