2008 New Years Resolutions

Longtime readers know that the every year I post my resolutions and ask for yours. I like to make mine easily achievable. You know, aim low and finish the year having achieved all of them.

  1. I resolve not to smear jelly on the face of my enemies.
  2. I resolve not to run naked through the office when I don’t get my way. Anymore.
  3. I resolve not to commit acts of genocide. Unless an island of spammers is found, in which case it’s open season!
  4. I resolve not to run out of coffee.
  5. I resolve not to be caught whistling Dixie. Ever.
  6. I resolve to remember the Alamo.
  7. I resolve not to break into song and dance during client meetings.
  8. I resolve not to turn into a flying dolphin with heat-vision, seeking to steal the souls of those I deem unworthy to live.
  9. I resolve not to kick my own ass.
  10. What are your resolutions?
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Show 34 Comments


  1. Sorry, I have no idea why the comments were closed for this. 😳

  2. Sami

    No resolutions for me, makes it nice and simple to achieve them. 😆 As for the time travel theory/package for sale…Yeah, he’s on some cheap crack. 😛

  3. DaPopster

    No biggie Dave, you have it covered under #9. Resolve not to squeeze the crap out of people who are full of themselves :dead: Happy New Year everyone !! :java:

  4. [Comment ID #221931 will be quoted here]

    You probably figured that we would make fun of you breaking in to song & dance at client meetings again.

    I could probably do most of those resolutions, with the exceptions of #2 & 8. I run naked through the office on a regular basis; didn’t think I needed a special reason for it. As for #8, I’ve pretty much broken that one already but I blame it on last night’s tequila.

  5. Danno

    I hereby resolve:

    to find out what planet Al Roker is from and if he can be returned to it…along with a good many other TV personalities!

  6. patrick

    1. I resolve to not double my own body weight during the coming year.

  7. blaster gas

    I resolve not to stay married to this life sucking parasite that I am currently married to.

  8. 😈
    I resolve to be naughtier than I was this past year!
    I resolve to not choke the shit out of my upstairs neighbor. (It’s personal)
    I resolve to be more attentive to others and not nod off while they are boring me with their life.

    :kiss: Happy Screw Year Everyone! :kiss:

  9. rosko jonosko

    xmas gift… a small container of stinky pussy juice…

  10. Loli

    I resolve to screw other resolutions and to do what the fuck I want 😆

  11. (1) I resolve not to curse so often. (Except where that mofo Drusky is concerned)

    (2) I resolve to stop kissing strangers once a week.

    (3) I resolve to stop selling my (moistened) undies on ebay.

    (4) I resolve to always tell the truth. (Unless it’s not convenient or boring)

    Regarding that Time Travel Twit – why doesn’t he propose something that’s more likely to happen than him receiving $10 mil from this nonsensical listing on ebay … like uh, I dunno, a joint venture with Aliens from Area 51? 🙄

  12. Bigwavdave

    I resolve to live up to my personal philosophy:


    Note to Annie B. – Dammit, and I was just heading over to ebay…

    And finally: Happy :wang: New Year to all you Zilla-heads

  13. i resolve to have naughtier avatars of my body all year. :thong:

  14. Bigwavdave

    [Comment ID #221946 will be quoted here]

    Good Gawd Ahmighty – Lord Have Mercy

  15. Amanda B.

    I resolve to drink more beer!!

  16. I resolve to eat more cheese.

    Rock on,


  17. Jim S

    I fiercely resolve not to be mistaken for a woman on the phone. 🙂

    Happy New Year everyone!


  18. Chris S

    I resolve not to blow off parts of my anatomy or those of anyone I know with fireworks.

    That was nearly broken for me on the first day of the year by some drunk asshole hiding in the darkness tossing large firecrackers at people on the street. My fiancé got a nice little red mark on her leg from it too. 👿

  19. Jay Laverdure

    I resolve to not drop acid and then jump off an
    80-foot cliff into a tidal bore… ever again…

  20. Flash Gordon

    I resolve to contribute to a fund to send Cheney
    to Darfur or some similar hot spot.
    I resolve to stop making fun of clueless young
    ‘entertainers’. Just as soon as Jamie Lynn’s
    baby arrives.
    I will try to quit irritating AnnieB. :kiss: :wang: :wang: 😈

  21. Supercharged_goddess

    I did make resolutions this year:
    I resolve to wake up every day that God allows me to do so- not necessarily in the morning- just at some point during the day.I resolve to keep trying. Trying to live my life to the fullest, trying to pay my bills, trying to enjoy what I work for, trying not to give up on anything except bad habits. I don’t have to DO it, just keep trying!I resolve to meet new friends and not forget old ones. There are no strangers, only people I like and people I don’t. No, you can’t switch sides.I resolve to be a better me- weather that’s full on flirt, billy bad ass bitch, or Major Mommy, I want my personality disorder to be the best we can be. see? a serious personality too!

  22. Marcus

    1) I resolve to make stupid people feel really stupid.
    2) I resolve to start calling people more often.
    3) I resolve to buy more booze for bums, cause life ain’t worth living if you are aware of it.

    Fuck Armageddon. This is Hell on Earth

  23. Spud

    [Comment ID #221946 will be quoted here]
    Oh god yes, I second and third this resolution…

  24. TimM

    I could have been first, and first of the year comment at 5:30AM Eastern U.S.A time. I thought of saying, “I must say I’m disappointed, so far 2008 is no different than 2007.”
    Happy New year!

    My resolution was to not make any resolutions.

  25. 11) I resolve not to make any more Freudian slits in my comments
    12) I resolve to learn how to pronounce ‘Ahmadinejad’ with enough speed and proficiency so as to fake a deep conversational understanding of current affairs.
    13) I also resolve to remember the Amalo.
    14) I resolve to make a life sized model of a manatee out of wicker.
    15) I resolve to track down Steve Jobs, sit him down and have a serious conversation about the practice of tucking one’s sweatshirt into one’s jeans.
    16) I resolve to read one of Brad K’s comments all the way to the end.

  26. [Comment ID #222004 will be quoted here]

    Thanks for the laughs!

    I tried #16 and all I got was a headache for my trouble. You might have set the bar a little high on that one. 😛

  27. brad s.

    i resolve to only have 1 fantasy football team next season. oh,yeah,and to put bigger doses of poison in the water cooler at work. so far my co-workers just call in sick.

  28. I resolve not to release noxious gases at my cubical as it increases employee absenteeism.

  29. I resolve:

    1) Not to release flatus whilst receiving oral treats.
    2) Not to use the phrase, “Cuz that’s how I roll.”
    3) Not to gorge myself on head cheese, scrapple & haggis.
    4) Not to use/abuse produce items in an inappropriate fashion.
    5) Not to wear edible panties while working out.
    6) To visit Pop That Zit once a week. On an empty stomach.
    7) To cut back on the spider solitaire as it messes with masturbation er… uh… my carpal tunnel syndrome. Yeah. carpal tunnel syndrome!
    8) Even though I resolve not to eat it, I do fantasize about DEEP FRYING a haggis. “Mmmm, deep fried bloated goodness!”
    9) To come up with a tagline for haggis, “The only foodstuff which qualifies as a blivot!”
    10) I resolve not to have any more resolutions.

  30. I resolve to be a badder, bolder me with more whips!
    I resolve to eat chocolate when I want and not feel bad about it.
    I resolve to actually burst in to song and dance more often, just because it’s fun.
    I resolve to take more risks, especially if it involves spanking random hotties at the mall. 😈

  31. I hereby do resolve to find a place that supplies flying fucks and rat’s asses so I can give them freely throughout the year!

  32. Lake Effect

    Well I’m done teasing siberian tigers any more I tell ya!

  33. To lust after more zillamembers throughout.
    To bury the bodies somewhere other than my very large back yard.
    To find a more proficient manner to destroy evidence.
    To attend and graduate from sniper school, belly dance classes, kick/boxing.
    To become more fru-fru fluffy girly girl on the outside. :puke:
    To wear more…ahem…to wear some pink.
    To buy more sexy stillettos. 😈

  34. Jay Laverdure

    Mandy: I don’t know if you CAN possibly have naughtier
    avatars of yourself- but, good lord, girl, if you
    can do so- PLEASE!

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