Overheard: SPF-45 Edition

25 July, 2004Posted inObservations7 Comments
Man No. 1: "Dude! You are so sunburnt. You're as red as a pineapple!" Man No 2: "Pineapples are yellow?" Man No. 1: Really? I guess I never looked that closely."viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online viagra cheapest viagra prices herbal viagra alternative to viagra buy generic viagra purchase viagra online free viagra without prescription viagra attorneys free viagra samples before buying buy generic viagra cheap viagra uk generic…

Personality Test

23 July, 2004Posted inObservations22 Comments
Frogs are to cannon balls what Valium is to [blank]. Snowflakes are to Australians what abject poverty is to [blank]. Large, fake breasts are to women what tooth decay is to [blank]. George W. Bush is to meatloaf what Cable TV is to [blank]. John Kerry is to salsa dancing what linguini is to [blank]. Heidi Fleiss is to soup ladles what Turtle Wax is to [blank]. Shrek is to Michael Jackson what sandpaper is to [blank]. Happiness is to fire escapes what measles are to [blank]. Davezilla is to fishcakes what lingerie is to [blank]. Mullets are to merkins…

Things Mother never said

21 July, 2004Posted inObservations19 Comments
"You forgot your M-80s and gasoline." "Be a dear and go play in the streets." "You need a louder car stereo. I get nervous when you're a mile away and I can barely hear you." "I found the cutest snake in the garden today…" "I'm thinking of redecorating the kitchen in a 'vampires and spiders' motif." "You're ten years old! Don't you think it's time you gave up the comics and started reading porn?" "What kind of daughter did I raise? You've slept with four men this week? When I was your age I'd have bagged four men by lunch…

Note to self: 4,699

20 July, 2004Posted inObservations31 Comments
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Story time #1

18 July, 2004Posted inObservations19 Comments
"After our adventurers had finished polishing all the troll's silverware, swept his dungeon and adjusted his satellite TV dish, they decided to … " [Add your lines and keep the story going]viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online viagra cheapest viagra prices herbal viagra alternative to viagra buy generic viagra purchase viagra online free viagra without prescription viagra attorneys free viagra samples before buying buy generic viagra cheap viagra uk…

God is your co-writer

17 July, 2004Posted inObservations35 Comments
Christianity is a beautiful religion with a big problem. Marketing. No other religion feels so compelled to proselytize through the dubious medium of bumper stickers (except Wiccans, and they just do it to be silly). The bumper stickers would be fine … if they made any sense. Read some of the following stickers (all real, I might add) and see if any of them would make you feel compelled to convert. It's hard to stumble when you're on your knees. (Is this about prayer or blowjobs?) Make your eternal reservations now -- 'smoking' or 'non-smoking'? As sure as God puts…

Welcome to my world

16 July, 2004Posted inObservations13 Comments
Ever watched the credits roll at the cinema or on television all the way to the end? Your eyes get so used to the upward motion of the credits that when they finally stop your eyes suddenly get the illusion that the room is falling slightly. My whole life is like that.viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online viagra cheapest viagra prices herbal viagra alternative to viagra buy generic viagra…

People we can safely dislike #2

14 July, 2004Posted inObservations15 Comments
Guys who wear t-shirts with tuxedos printed on them. People who finish their sentences by clucking their tongue. Every time. I don't mind the odd lawn gnome or statue of Mary, but when it gets to be a village… People whose entire philosophical base can be summarized through the 18 bumperstickers littering their Chevy Astro. Coworkers who feel every situation warrants a line from Homer Simpson. People who take "pitchers" with their "point 'n' snaps". Anyone who whips out their gold card at the dollar store Men who claim to have confronted and fought off Bigfoot. Drivers who take pains…

All right, who befoozled the Intraweb again?

08 July, 2004Posted inObservations20 Comments
Tech Support Person in Bangladesh: "Good evening and hello today. I am please to help you very much." Clueless computer user in Duluth: "It's morning, sonny. Do you know stuff about computers and all cause I don't know a thing." Tech Support: "Yes, sir. I am having the Microsoft Certification last year." Clueless in Duluth: ] "It's ma'am, not sir. Microsoft huh? What if I have an Apple?" Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but this is a technical help phone is. We are having Microsoft problem helpings daily every day. We do not service the Apple computers is. I…

Davezilla’s Dictionary #528

04 July, 2004Posted inwtf14 Comments
Apecurious: [APE-ih-KYUR-ee-us] Noun One who considers himself a gourmand, but is in fact utterly devoid of basic table etiquette. Bistrough: [BEESE-troff] Noun An overpriced, overrated, trendy restaurant with food not suitable for most scavenging mammals. Dipster:* [DIP-stir] Noun A poseur hipster. Faute Cuisine:* [FOTE-kwee-zine] Noun The food served at a Bistrough; beautifully presented, yet completely inedible. Lipster: [LIP-stir] Noun One who talks the hipster talk, yet remains unproven to his colleagues. New Yorkies: [NU York-eez] Noun Wealthy New York apartment widows possessing one or more pint-sized yippy dogs. Queue Vulture: [Q-VUHL-chur] Noun Any of a number of predatory scavengers that…