Performance

No doubt you've seen television commercials for impotence and "male enhancement" drugs, such as Viagra or Enzyte. There is a constant reference to "performance". As if your penis is auditioning for the Theatre of Epidaurus in the Stanislavski Method. I can almost picture the inner workings of the penis' mind as it prepares for its "performance". Brain: Are you ready to do this? Penis: Not really, I mean, what's my motivation? Brain: Well, pussy. I thought that was obvious. Penis: Of course. It's just that … Brain: Yes? Penis: This could be the performance of a lifetime. I really need…

Creepy things to call your lover

From Davezilla: My little pancake of pleasure My sweet love salamander My festering kraken of love My thumbtack of desire My little Vaseline vixen My beautiful love-turnip My little sugar booger My sweet love bunion My darling durian of desire You're the stent o' my heart From Natalie: My hairball of loveliness You're my hard, hot peach pit Oh stoat of my heart My bouncy little warthog You're the sweetest allergen in the world! You're sexier than lint, my little spin cycle My snuggly megatherium You devilish little filbert! My irresistible bottom-feeder My delicious sex yak viagra free viagra buy…

Chew what?

Far be it from me to make fun of an international tragedy, but I keep hearing people struggling with the word tsunami. Ever since the disaster, I have been collecting all the ways I’ve been hearing it pronounced. Correct pronounciation: [ tsoo nä´ me ] Source: Webster's toot´ suh nä´ me chew mommy shoe nä´ me too nonny tsoo mammy zoo näm´ knee viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online…

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A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy…

Random Effluvia #47

The Japanese have very different outlook than the rest of us. This is a really bad name for networking software. Now you too can enjoy pole dancing in the privacy of your own home. Lions are smarter than you think Hardcore Morris dancers viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online viagra cheapest viagra prices herbal viagra alternative to viagra buy generic viagra purchase viagra online free viagra without prescription viagra…

2005 New Year’s Resolutions

I promise not to roll my cats in powdered cheese. I will not randomly dial extensions at work and tell coworkers they've been let go. I resolve not to post any pictures of myself in a thong. I promise not to mistake cat laxatives for toothpaste at my GF's house. I will not invite Shannen Doherty and Danny Bonaduce over for weekenders anymore. I resolve to cover your voles in glitter! I promise to finish building my Tiki palace (You think I'm kidding). I promise not to mistake Starr Jones for a passing Goodyear Blimp. I promise to visit at…

Note to Self: No. 5,230

Do not let David mistake Phoebe’s cat laxative for toothpaste. Again. :roll:viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online viagra cheapest viagra prices herbal viagra alternative to viagra buy generic viagra purchase viagra online free viagra without prescription viagra attorneys free viagra samples before buying buy generic viagra cheap viagra uk generic viagra online try viagra for free generic viagra from india fda approves viagra free viagra sample what is better…

Things that sound dirty, but aren’t

Snowfall Edition After a conversation with my new coworker Jim, I was inspired to rerun an old post on the topic: I got over nine inches last night. Man, that white stuff is covering everything. I can barely see my own car! I love when it lands on my tongue. Go on. Lick that pole. I dare ya. I got so wet playing with it. Don't rub that in your sister's face! Dammit! You got it all over my new pants. It's even soaked through my shoes. This isn't the soft, fluffy kind. It's hard, wet and you can pack…

Note to Self: 5,116

Do not touch black sweater with running electric toothbrush. Again. :neutral:viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online viagra cheapest viagra prices herbal viagra alternative to viagra buy generic viagra purchase viagra online free viagra without prescription viagra attorneys free viagra samples before buying buy generic viagra cheap viagra uk generic viagra online try viagra for free generic viagra from india fda approves viagra free viagra sample what is better viagra…

Note to Self: 5,110

Next time the weather forecasters predict 12" of snow overnight, consider shutting the car windows all the way. :neutral:viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online viagra cheapest viagra prices herbal viagra alternative to viagra buy generic viagra purchase viagra online free viagra without prescription viagra attorneys free viagra samples before buying buy generic viagra cheap viagra uk generic viagra online try viagra for free generic viagra from india fda approves…

Anagram Interview: Paris Hilton

DISCLAIMER: Before you scratch your head or send me hate mail, please note that this is a fake interview. The answers were created by rearranging the letters in Paris Hilton [anagramming]. Davezilla: "First off, how do you start the week?"Paris Hilton: "I plan or shit." Davezilla: "Um, Paris? What are you doing under the table? Drop something?"Paris Hilton: "Lost hairpin." Davezilla: "I heard you once seduced Ralph Lauren."Paris Hilton: "I sit on Ralph." Davezilla: "Assume I know nothing about hair. What is your current hairstyle called?" Paris Hilton: "Rhino plaits." Davezilla: "Not that I'm interested, but what do you look…