Tag: Observations

Thursday evening yours truly was interviewed by the fine folks at The DropCast for an upcoming webcast about this site (I’ll link to it once it’s live). In a synchronistic turn of events, a smooth jazz radio station was broadcasting from the apartment below me.

By broadcasting, I do not mean that someone had the stereo up. I mean the DJs and crew were having a party in the apartment directly below me. Astute readers will recall that this very apartment was formerly occupied by the Albanian Hyenas.

While this in itself is an odd coincidence, it wasn’t all that happened. We have a sister building a half block away. Tons of people showed up for the party and there were two golf carts shuttling folks between the two buildings. Let us define folks as:

1. Women that are dressed as high-priced hookers
2. Hipsters with whitey ‘fros
3. Women that are high-priced hookers
4. Middle-aged men with bleached teeth, fake tans and no socks
5. Women that are dating high-priced hookers

Ever seen GLH? It’s been around for a few years, a truly frightening sign of the times. GLH is spray paint for balding heads. Nothing more. Somehow this is supposed to simulate hair follicles.

I saw a man who had used this product. How could I tell? Because even at a distance of eight feet, in low light, his bald head was clearly spray-painted black. Unevenly, I might add. The effect was that of a man who was the victim of a drunken fraternity prank.

The question to me is, what the hell does GLH really stand for? Surely it can’t stand for Good Looking Hair, because it is anything but. Tamity and I were discussing this subject and concluded the following. Tell me what you think it stands for.

1. Gross-Looking Hair
2. Gorilla-Like Hair
3. Grungy, like hedgehogs
4. Glabrous Loathsome Hirsuteness
5. Gramineous-Looking Homonculous

There’s just something about a President that says sex sex sex. Even in portraits, Clinton seemed to reach out and touch his audience. Bush brings out the animal in others.

Fresh out of ideas for Halloween costumes? Allow me to help:

1. Ennui
2. A Braille Newspaper
3. The Grassy Knoll
4. A Widget
5. Aisle 14 of Wal-Mart
6. Voicemail
7. The Ghost in the Machine
8. The Bell Curve
9. Nepotism
10. Schrodinger’s Cat Litter Box

1. Get called to fly out fo state for work on a moment’s notice
2. Stay up till 2am working on a new business pitch with your coworkers
3. Deliver the pitch at the crack of dawn
4. Fly home next to someone who is clearly wearing perfume as a body glaze
5. Ensure that you get a seat on the sold out flight facing the setting sun
6. Go from the airport straight to the optician to pick up new glasses, which incidentally, are your first time wearing bifocals
7. Attempt to see

Problem:

When I travel, or need to wear a nice suit for a client meeting, I somehow end up wearing my toothpaste as a fashion accessory. I can brush in the nude, then shower and still get toothpaste down my sternum.

Solutions:

1. Full body armour
2. Cease brushing
3. Hire a hot dental hygienist to brush for me. I’m not certain her being hot will aid in avoiding an oral mess, and … I believe I’ve said too much already
4. Brush underwater
5. Wear suits made from toothpaste.

I had to capture the speaker’s visage for you, dear readers, so you may avoid this person, should your paths ever cross. Not the best photo, but it’s at least recognizable.

Man in photo: “I’m just saying… I’d eat a newborn if it came between me starving and that.”

If Tom has three times as many testicles as Susan, and Susan has one-fourth as many ovaries as Joe, how many BBQ ribs does Mary have, if she has two more Ouija Boards than Tom?

Woman in line at Starbucks: “May I have a tall uh, that cararmel drink?”
Barista: “Macchiato?”
Woman: “Knock-uh-tanno?”
Barista: “Macchiato.”
Woman: “Tach-uh-nano? One more time please?”
Barista: [sigh] “Macchiato.”
Woman: “I apologize. Those Japanese names really throw me.”