Spotting a Bad Date

She counts the number of syllables you say in each sentence and informs you. She sits down to watch the Disney Channel with your parents. In the nude. She believes Jack Chick tracts to be very real and accurate. She wears sweatsocks under her nylons. Her armpit hair is corn-rowed. Your friends tell you that you couldn't have just asked her on a date. She died in a car accident 10 years today. She brings a clipboard of criteria you must meet. Dogs and small children naturally flee when she approaches. She lives in a pond. What bad dates can…

More people we can safely dislike #4

Ex-Marines who constantly say, "Hey. That's how we did it in the Corps." The guy who feels compelled to one-up every story anyone tells The masses who annually forget how to brake after the first 1/2" of snow falls. Mainly Southerners, who—bless their hearts—can't drive decently any time of the year People who brag at work about how much they give to charity but tell the homeless they can't spare a quarter People who actually believe in dragons Stores that charge more for their gift boxes than for the gifts in them People responsible for recipes like Spam cupcakes Friends…

What I’m thankful for

I am thankful that my family doesn't make me eat tofurkey I am thankful that ferrets do not have opposable thumbs I am thankful that cars don't run on pudding I am thankful that David Lee Roth is not a paramedic where I live I am thankful that my landlords chose lime and indigo for the hallway instead of magenta and olive viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online viagra…

A jillion things about me

I do not own a waistcoat I am not a member of the Illuminatus I am non-stick and won't fade in warm water I have never yelled at a Praying Mantis I detest gauchos, skorts and ugs Mice fear me I hold low opinions of the willfully ignorant I prefer beer to liquor and soy milk to pistol whippings I hate when DJs say "Rocktober" I am petitioning to have caffeine declared a vitaminIf I could sum up my life in one word, it would be antilugibriluositanimousI eat carbs in the face of Atkins dieters, and wear glasses before anyone…

Overheard: Goblet of Fire Edition

During a screening of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Natalie and I ended up sitting next to J-Lo's hairstylist (or so he claimed). He also claimed (loudly) that he did hair for Natasha Stilwell, host of Discovery Canada's Daily Planet show. His comments gave me weeks of material, but I've decided to condense my 10 favorites into one post. "OMG… Look. It's J-Lo. I absolutely LOVE her. See the hair? That's a tri-layer. Three colors. Takes four hours. Wait, shhh, look at this thing she does with her leg. Faaaabulous!" "No, this is the fourth movie. They're all…

Imaginary post

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Complete this sentence #27

Longtime reader Dante sent in an excellent idea: Good thing, too. I was too busy to come up with a post! Here's the idea: I start a story and each one of you continues it. Here's the catch: You can only add one word per comment. Got that? One word. Lurkers? You help out, too. Use a fake name and email. Here goes. I knew I shouldn't have brought my ________viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra…

Podcast interview

Recently I was interviewed by the fine folks at The Dropcast. The interview is now online in three formats: itunes direct download and stream viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online viagra cheapest viagra prices herbal viagra alternative to viagra buy generic viagra purchase viagra online free viagra without prescription viagra attorneys free viagra samples before buying buy generic viagra cheap viagra uk generic viagra online try viagra for free…

Overheard: Laundromat Edition

Neighbor: "Crappy weather, huh?" Me: "Yeah, it sure as Hell is." Neighbor: "Stepped in every gaddampt puddle tanight." Me: "Oh?" Neighbor: "Yeaaaaaah. Went to the Mervyn's sale. They're going outta business." Me: "I hadn't heard." Neighbor: "Oh sure, and wouldn't ya know it? They were closed." Me: "That's a drag, eh?" Neighbor: "Yeaaaaaah. I really needed a new bra. I only got two and this one's fulla cigarette burns. See?" Me: " … "viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra…

Notes to Self, No. 5,801, Breakfast Edition

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If or if not my butt was pointy…

From The Schoolyard Rhyme Project: UNITED STATES Baby, baby Stick your head in gravy Wash it out with bubble gum and send it to the Navy SOUTH AFRICA Yum yum bubble gum Stick your finger up your bum If it's nice, lick it twice Yum yum bubble gum DENMARK Hvis og hvis min røv var spids og fuld af limonade, sÃ¥ mÃ¥tte du min ven slikke den til ballerne blev flade [English Translation] If or if not my butt was pointy and filled with lemonade, then you my friends could lick it until my buttocks were flat I am dying…

Full frontal blogging

What was your first experience seeing a naked person in a movie? Summer of '42, that was mine. I mean, that was the name of the film, not when I saw a naked person in a film. I thought Jennifer O'Neill was the hottest woman on the planet at the time. I was probably 11 years old and Summer of '42 was playing on TV after midnight (yes, we had color television back then). Someone in the station forgot to censor the movie, and I saw my first bit of girl bits. Amazing. Not that I hadn't seen them prior,…