Have the movie theatre experience at home

Pour Coke on the floor the previous night and allow to harden. Garnish with wads of chewing gum. Buy a DVD, but not the extended version. Make popcorn, but put all the butter on one side of the bowl. Set your cell phone to go off randomly throughout the film. Place an obstacle that is taller than you, directly in front of your seat. Throw popcorn at yourself. Leer at yourself and flirt shamelessly. Do not pause the DVD for bathroom breaks. Ask yourself outloud what is happening. Do this every ten minutes. Give away the ending to yourself. With…

What quote defines you?

I was thinking recently about my cat. If asked to define her using only someone else's quotes, it would surely be, "The lady doth protest too much, methinks." What quotes would you use to define yourself or your pets?viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online viagra cheapest viagra prices herbal viagra alternative to viagra buy generic viagra purchase viagra online free viagra without prescription viagra attorneys free viagra samples before…

One of these things is not like the other…

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OK, fess up…

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Bad things I’ve mistaken for toothpaste…

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More people we dislike #8: Pseudo-bodybuilders

Few things are more pathetic than body builders. Pseudo-bodybuilders are definitely more pathetic. Too arrogant to admit they aren't that built, but not dedicated enough to deform themselves through excessive steroid usage. Signs you may be this type: They kiss their biceps They refer to their biceps as, "my guns". They can afford to pimp out their Dodge 3500s, but can't afford their cellphone bills. They wear "Axe" body spray. Contrary to popular belief, there is rarely a mullet. It is usually the fauxhawk, a ridiculous sort of combed-up mohawk, trimmed very short, marines-style. They drink Zima. On purpose. Have…

Things to write on check memos

Things to write on check memos That's cheque memos to my readers abroad. When writing a check for an unpleasant bill, there are subtle things you can do to amuse yourself, while confusing those on the receiving end. Add any I've missed. You're fired I'm still sore from last night Devil Clowns are making me write this You left something by my bed I knew you liked puppies, but not that way… I heard about your little accident Congratulations on "coming out" to your office My water broke; hurry! I gave head to a lemur What's that smell? Is that…

Overheard: Solving World Hunger Edition

Mark: "Y'know Canada has more oil than any other country and them bastards are hoarding it from Americans. That's how they maintain their air of neutrality. It's a sham. They are ready to gun the f*ck out of anyone who finds out about the oil reserves. Nobody knows a thing about it." Al: "If nobody knows about it, how do you know?" Mark: "Look, all I'm saying is you have people in this country who don't read and who is to blame? Bush, of course. He doesn't want black kids in Detroit to learn how to read. Then he'd have…

Damn the centipedes

I thought about the comments from yesterday's Link of the Day. Centipedes are freakish and wrong. Especially that one. I dug up some facts about it: Giant Centipedes are responsible for the Stock Market Crash of 1929 Giant Centipedes steal your identity Giant Centipedes leave the refrigerator door open all night Giant Centipedes cause seven years bad luck Giant Centipedes ate the last brownie Giant Centipedes left the seat up on the toilet Giant Centipedes never fill up the tank when they borrow the car Giant Centipedes call 900 numbers during peak hours Giant Centipedes download illegal MP3s using your…

That shit don’t count an’ you know it.

Dougie: "I don't eat the snatch, and you shouldn't nei-thuh." Me: "Oh? Why's that?" Dougie: "Cause that shit make you faggot." Me: "Excuse me?" Dougie: "Anytime you put your mouth where you dick has been—that shit make you faggot." Me: "So that would make your wife a lesbian?" Dougie: "Fuck you! How you figure that shit?" Me: "Well, she's putting her mouth where her pussy has been. It stands to reason." Dougie: "That shit don't count an' you know it." viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl…

No Loittering

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Overheard: Redneck Lunch Edition

Grummuh: "Thomas P? Thomas P? Lissen to yer Grummuh. Lissen to yer Grummuh. Lissen to yer Grummuh. Lissen to yer Grummuh. "Thomas P? Thomas P? Lissen to yer Grummuh. Oh honestly, Theresa Jo. What is wrong with him? Like tawking to thin air." Theresa Jo: "Yew stop pickin' on mah kids, mawmuh! They's fine as they is." Grummuh: "Sweet Jesus have mercy." Theresa Jo: "Oh! Hare's the waitress. Hah there. Gots a children's menu, hon?" Waitress: "Yes, ma'am. Last page. That's it." Theresa Jo: "Ah see. Thomas P? You wants apple sauce wif your meal?" Thomas P: "Plplplplplplplplplplplplplpl!" Theresa Jo:…