Tag: Observations
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20 ways to be left alone at work
Grag your phone when it isn’t ringing and scream, “Stop taunting me like this!” Show up doused in White Out. Tell everyone you’re just trying to cover your past mistakes. Announce that tomorrow you will bring fruit salad for the entire office. Use durian. Add, “Please see attachments,” to every email you send. Include JPGs…
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Kill a Man in Unexpected Ways
Downward blow to the neck… with sporks Strangulation with a roll of Scotch brand invisible tape Poison his air supply with Febreeze Bra strap double-barrel catapult Force-feed him a kitchen sponge Thong slingshot with a roll of quarters Repeated watchings of Golden Girls Maxipad mouthgag Kidney punched a with statue of St. Anthony Tampon eyestrike…
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Have the movie theatre experience at home
Pour Coke on the floor the previous night and allow to harden. Garnish with wads of chewing gum. Buy a DVD, but not the extended version. Make popcorn, but put all the butter on one side of the bowl. Set your cell phone to go off randomly throughout the film. Place an obstacle that is…
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What quote defines you?
I was thinking recently about my cat. If asked to define her using only someone else’s quotes, it would surely be, “The lady doth protest too much, methinks.” What quotes would you use to define yourself or your pets? viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra…
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One of these things is not like the other…
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OK, fess up…
Whose bad idea was it to combine alarm clocks with blinding sunlight? viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online viagra cheapest viagra prices herbal viagra…
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Bad things I’ve mistaken for toothpaste…
…when I’ve left my glasses in the other room. Cat laxative Grout cleaner (ow) Compound W (not mine) Gel-based vitamins for the cat I am occasionally amazed that I still have gums. viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free…
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More people we dislike #8: Pseudo-bodybuilders
Few things are more pathetic than body builders. Pseudo-bodybuilders are definitely more pathetic. Too arrogant to admit they aren’t that built, but not dedicated enough to deform themselves through excessive steroid usage. Signs you may be this type: They kiss their biceps They refer to their biceps as, “my guns”. They can afford to pimp…
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Things to write on check memos
Things to write on check memos That’s cheque memos to my readers abroad. When writing a check for an unpleasant bill, there are subtle things you can do to amuse yourself, while confusing those on the receiving end. Add any I’ve missed. You’re fired I’m still sore from last night Devil Clowns are making me…
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Overheard: Solving World Hunger Edition
Mark: “Y’know Canada has more oil than any other country and them bastards are hoarding it from Americans. That’s how they maintain their air of neutrality. It’s a sham. They are ready to gun the f*ck out of anyone who finds out about the oil reserves. Nobody knows a thing about it.” Al: “If nobody…
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Damn the centipedes
I thought about the comments from yesterday’s Link of the Day. Centipedes are freakish and wrong. Especially that one. I dug up some facts about it: Giant Centipedes are responsible for the Stock Market Crash of 1929 Giant Centipedes steal your identity Giant Centipedes leave the refrigerator door open all night Giant Centipedes cause seven…
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That shit don’t count an’ you know it.
Dougie: “I don’t eat the snatch, and you shouldn’t nei-thuh.” Me: “Oh? Why’s that?” Dougie: “Cause that shit make you faggot.” Me: “Excuse me?” Dougie: “Anytime you put your mouth where you dick has been—that shit make you faggot.” Me: “So that would make your wife a lesbian?” Dougie: “Fuck you! How you figure that…
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