More people we dislike #18

10 March, 2008Posted inObservations51 Comments
Comcast Tech Support, for having service interruptions all fucking week Lane drifters, Sunday or not Guys who change their clothes at Armani Exchange outside the dressing room Anyone who greets me with, "Hey, guy!" Anyone who greets me with, "Hey, boss!" Anyone who greets me with, "Hey, chief!" Anyone who greets me with, "Hey, captain!" Anyone who greets me with, "You owe me money."

The Fifth Circle of Hell

06 February, 2008Posted inObservations60 Comments
CANTO XIII: In most of the United States, when it’s time to renew your driver’s license, or get new tabs for your plates, you might go to the DMV (Dept. of Motor Vehicles). Not so in Michigan. We go to the Secretary of State—known to Dante Alighieri as the Fifth Circle of Hell. It is here that Phlegyas ushers wayward travelers to their rightful place: waiting in line for eternity among the wrathful. A soup kitchen queue for the Damned, if you will. Should you be fortunate enough to have your number called out in under a decade, one of…

Overheard: People are fuh-reaks edition

05 February, 2008Posted inObservations25 Comments
GIRL 1: "Um, I got him a tie, a video game and his-and-hers buttplugs." GIRL 2: 'OMG! I bought Mike the same things!" [From Natalie, overheard on the subway:] MAN: "Don't those blow-up dolls come with orifices and shit?" PERSON IN DELI: "Is this milk? It says it is. Is it?"viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online viagra cheapest viagra prices herbal viagra alternative to viagra buy generic viagra purchase…

Movie Reviews in Haiku

25 January, 2008Posted inBad Ideas23 Comments
Reviews in Haiku 300 Best. Movie. Evar. Goddamned kids keep yelling out, "Dude! This… is… SPARTAAAAAA!" Beowulf Did they really have Hot chicks like Angelina In ancient Denmark? Spiderman 3 Wow, three criminals That’s three times the excitement And one third the plot. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End Captain Jack is gone Thankfully Keira has not Gotten breast implants. Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny Jack and Kyle rock out But Ben Stiller's cameo Just sucks donkey balls.

Facebook apps I want to see

16 January, 2008Posted inObservations32 Comments
Auto Ignore: Getting too many app requests? Not only will this app ignore all requests from your annoying so-called friends, it will simultaneously remove the app from their profile. Fun! Great FunWall of China: Like FunWall, but with more restrictions. A lot more. It’s really not all that fun, come to think of it. Don’t bother installing it. iHate: Face it. Your friends have shit taste in music and feel compelled to share it with you. Rating system allows you to mark marginally-talented fucking pathetic bands like Nickelback and Styx as the bottom feeders they truly are. What Kind of…

Shut happens

09 January, 2008Posted inObservations40 Comments
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Ameriker

07 January, 2008Posted inObservations32 Comments
(Apologies if your RSS feeds got a post that isn't there. It's on the redesign site, which is now 99% done and working, so if you're testing the new site, it's there.) We now return you to your regularly scheduled humor. viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online viagra cheapest viagra prices herbal viagra alternative to viagra buy generic viagra purchase viagra online free viagra without prescription viagra attorneys free…

2008 New Years Resolutions

01 January, 2008Posted inObservations34 Comments
Longtime readers know that the every year I post my resolutions and ask for yours. I like to make mine easily achievable. You know, aim low and finish the year having achieved all of them. I resolve not to smear jelly on the face of my enemies. I resolve not to run naked through the office when I don’t get my way. Anymore. I resolve not to commit acts of genocide. Unless an island of spammers is found, in which case it’s open season! I resolve not to run out of coffee. I resolve not to be caught whistling Dixie.…

And furthermore… Part II

30 December, 2007Posted inObservations35 Comments
After the chair debacle, Liz and I sat down in chairs from polite persons of less than great intelligence. An hour or so later, we saw someone else approach the rude genius from Channel 4. A portly woman, dressed rather like a peasant or Renaissance Festival employee. Being somewhat large, she was possessed of—to put it bluntly—a large rack. This is important to note for later on. She carried on a long conversation with the genius and we rightfully ignored them. Suddenly Liz poked me. "Look at the freak couple. Now." I turned to see the left breast of the…

And furthermore… Part I

29 December, 2007Posted inObservations29 Comments
I really need to take a camera with me every time I have coffee with my friend Liz. We see the best freaks. Tonight topped them. Ever go to a coffeehouse, it’s really crowded so you find an empty table with not enough chairs? Then you hunt around to see if anyone isn’t using all the chairs at their table? Well that. So we got our drinks and Liz found a great table with no chairs. I spy a man sitting alone with an ancient, underpowered Mac laptop and walk over. Me: “Excuse me, sir. Is it cool if I…

Lamest Super-powers to have, Part II

26 December, 2007Posted inBad Ideas45 Comments
I would like super powers. Nothing too fancy, mind you. Just minor abilities to get me through the week. The ability to see through chocolates to the fillings before taking a bite The ability to sense road construction in time to catch an alternate route The ability to psychically detect which cashier is the fastest and least likely to call for a price check The ability to see through scratch-off tickets before purchasing them The ability to remove rusted, old screws without stripping the threading A magic bag that always contains the right size batteries for any appliance The ability…