Tag: Observations
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How to Speak Project Manager
When they say, “How’s the work coming along?” they really mean, “I am not missing my lunch break over you.” When they say, “I’m glad you were assigned to this,” they really mean, “Nobody else was stupid enough to work on this.” When they say, “We need to manage the client top down,” they really…
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Worst things about dating a Werewolf
Having to take them out for walksies at midnight Finding 18″flea collars They crotch sniff your boss at the company Christmas party Finding your sex toys chewed up behind the sofa The bones buried in the backyard look human The high turnover of mailmen Knowing that the tongue was last used as toilet paper When…
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Overused Movie Clichés #3: Hero Edition
The boss is a jerk, but he knows when he’s made a mistake. Please come back! Boy, am I ever glad to see you! So this is who he sends to do his dirty work? I’ve been down that road before, kid. I ain’t goin’ back to that life. I told ya already. I’m finished.…
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Honey Don’t List
Don’t bathe the puppy in the dishwasher. Or the washing machine. Don’t use your socks to mop the floor. Or mine. Cleaning the mini blinds does not mean turning the slats the other way so the dirt faces the neighbors. Laying 2x4s over your pants does not constitute ironing. Don’t use the iron to make…
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The Wisdom of Coworkers
Coworker: “Dave, can you look at this Laser printer? It’s broken and I can’t find IT anywhere.” Me: “Yeah, what’s it doing?” Coworker: “Well, {other coworker} sent a color file to this printer but this is a black and white printer.” Me: “So?” Coworker: “Well, you just can’t do that!” Me: “Yes, you can, and…
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Secret ingredient
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Greek Myths in Five Words, Part II
Bacchus dug the high life Erisichton said, “Olympus is dead” Neptune held wet t-shirt contests Amphitrite’s dolphins were tuna-safe Achilles had a bum heel Orpheus was bitch-slapped by girls Ulysses stuffed seamen with wax Castor and Pollux were clones Gryphons were cheap, gold-diggers Argus was full of ship Hector gave the Greeks heck Priam let…
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Greek Myths in Five Words, Part I
Medusa: Snakes on a Face Perseus took that bitch’s head Narcissus liked what he saw Zeus was a playa hater Oedipus liked him some MILF Pan was a sex machine Leda got laid by swans Jason had a fleece pullover Cyclops wore one contact lens Sisyphus pushed rocks all day Dædalus was one smart beyotch…
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Complete this Sentence:
“The geese were so huge, they could barely fit in the ___________”
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I’m thankful that…
…trees have bark, but even more thankful that trees cannot bark …penises don’t make a “boing” sound upon becoming erect …my teeth have never caught fire …organized religions aren’t contagious …”you are what you eat” isn’t literal …there’s no time limit on finishing a book before it explodes …I’m not neighbors with Britney Spears …Mudskippers…
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On Notice!
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Gangs of Mew York
I was walking my cat today (yes, she heels like a dog), and noticed that outside, she gets the same lost look that foreigners get in an airport. Granted, she’s been an indoor cat for 16 years so this is a new thing to her. I started wondering if other cats notice her dazed expression,…
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