Observations

The boss is a jerk, but he knows when he's made a mistake. Please come back! Boy, am I ever glad to see you! So this is who he sends to do his dirty work? I've been down that road before, kid. I ain't goin' back to that life. I told ya already. I'm finished. Washed up! You've saved this town a dozen times. Do it one more time … for me. Give your boss a message for me. Tell him… tell him I'm coming to get him. I think we're bein' tailed. That guy's been on our butts for…

Don't bathe the puppy in the dishwasher. Or the washing machine. Don't use your socks to mop the floor. Or mine. Cleaning the mini blinds does not mean turning the slats the other way so the dirt faces the neighbors. Laying 2x4s over your pants does not constitute ironing. Don't use the iron to make grilled cheese for the kids. Don't use the leaf blower indoors. Tying the dog to the bumper and driving to the store is not walking the dog. Taking the kids to see the game does not mean taking them to a bar with big screen…

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Bacchus dug the high life Erisichton said, "Olympus is dead" Neptune held wet t-shirt contests Amphitrite's dolphins were tuna-safe Achilles had a bum heel Orpheus was bitch-slapped by girls Ulysses stuffed seamen with wax Castor and Pollux were clones Gryphons were cheap, gold-diggers Argus was full of ship Hector gave the Greeks heck Priam let the bastards in Paris nailed Menelaus' wife overnight Eris made those bitches jealous Venus let her girdle down Ajax cleaned the battle fields Circe turned men into pigs Calypso partied with the boys Prometheus stole Jupiter's cigarette lighter Midas turned his dangler gold viagra free…

Medusa: Snakes on a Face Perseus took that bitch's head Narcissus liked what he saw Zeus was a playa hater Oedipus liked him some MILF Pan was a sex machine Leda got laid by swans Jason had a fleece pullover Cyclops wore one contact lens Sisyphus pushed rocks all day Dædalus was one smart beyotch Dryope's boobs turned into branches Theseus said, "No more bullshit!" Sphynx rapped some heavy rhymes Helen was a little hottie Bellerophon kicked some Chimera butt Vulcan was not a Vulcan Briareus had a hundred arms Hercules could kill Chuck Norris Pegasus flew; poop from above…

…trees have bark, but even more thankful that trees cannot bark …penises don't make a "boing" sound upon becoming erect …my teeth have never caught fire …organized religions aren't contagious …"you are what you eat" isn't literal …there's no time limit on finishing a book before it explodes …I'm not neighbors with Britney Spears …Mudskippers are not the dominant species on earth …Jules Verne was wrong What are you thankful for? viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women…

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I was walking my cat today (yes, she heels like a dog), and noticed that outside, she gets the same lost look that foreigners get in an airport. Granted, she's been an indoor cat for 16 years so this is a new thing to her. I started wondering if other cats notice her dazed expression, too. Do outdoor cats look at indoor cats and see an easy mark the way con artists do? "Hey, look at the fresh meat. Heeeeeey, chica." "You lost, pretty girl? C'mere baby. I help you find home." "Bitch, I will f*ck your shit up. Where…

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The Setup: Will require three couples. Ideally, two of the couples will look similar and one couple will look extremely different from the other two (extreme height or weight difference, skin color, accent, etc.). All couples should carry cellphones with ability to text each other. The couples that look similar should dress alike too, if possible. Couple No. 1 (C1) gets a table at the restaurant. Couple No. 2 (C2) can sit at the bar or waste time in the bathroom. Couple No. 3 (C3) should wait outside for instructions. Couple No. 1 orders drinks. One of them texts C3…