Recent Effluvia:

Ride the Goatse!

23 June, 2008
Thank Ghod!

20 June, 2008
(Sorry, away at a convention. Pics to follow)

20 June, 2008
Soak Zone

Lizz and I had sushi at a swanky jazz club last night. Seated near Lizz was a rather large and beastly woman. Midway through her meal, the woman sneezed. And what a sneeze! She attempted to cover her mouth, but this only succeeded in deflecting the spray that was to come into cone-like soak zone, similar to those one encounters at zoological parks.

One second after the sound of the sneeze, a literal rain of sushi rice flew over our heads, one large glob slapping me in the cheek. It was one of the singularly most disgusting experiences of my life. Instantly I thought of Monty Python’s Meaning of Life. You know the scene. “It’s only wafer thin.” Well, that.

But wait, there’s more! Behind me, was a round table with several senior citizens in bibs attempting to crack open crabs. The oldest one, who faced Lizz, tried desperately to crack open a large leg, only to have it spring forth from the cracker, bounce off the belly of his friend and land on the floor. I saw none of this; Lizz filled me in. Just when I thought the weirdest was over, Lizz’ face froze and her eyes widened.
Me: “What?!?”
Lizz: “That guy. Crab leg guy. He just picked the leg up off the floor and ate it.”
Me: “Ten minute rule.”

17 June, 2008
The love that dare not speak its name

Image by gsw

16 June, 2008
Captiontime #236

15 June, 2008
What will you wear to graduation?

13 June, 2008
My new hero

I know this has appeared on a few sites already, but it never stops making me laugh. And it’s all about what makes me laugh, isn’t it?

11 June, 2008
Helpful!

09 June, 2008
Captiontime #235

Image via Brecht

07 June, 2008
How to annoy telemarketers, Part II
Special Guest Author: Jules OdeNile
1. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their
  name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is
  located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they
  got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc.
  Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as
  long as necessary.
2. Say “no” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and
  keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you
  can do it until they hang up.
3. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan,
  reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends, you be my friend?”
4. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “I’m so glad
  you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these
  problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog has the
  goutâ€¦”
5. If the company cleans rugs, respond: “Can you get out blood? Can you get
  out goat blood? How about human blood?”
6. Ask them to repeat everything they say several times.
7. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come
  on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?”
8. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up â€¦ louder â€¦ louder â€¦
9. When the salesperson asks, “Is this the homeowner?” say, “Is
  this the salesperson?” And when they say, “Yes,” hang up.
10. How would you annoy them?
05 June, 2008
How to annoy a kitten
1. Airhorn during naptime
2. Get out the laser pointer but don’t turn it on
3. Place a grocery bag on the floor. When she creeps invariably inside it, scoop the bag up rapidly
4. Itching powder in the cat litter
5. Pour catnip on double-sided tape
6. Force them to watch the entire Wings/Penguins game with you, through triple overtime
7. Shopvacs, circular saws and belt sanders indoors
8. How would you annoy a kitten?
03 June, 2008