Recent Effluvia:

Lizz and I had sushi at a swanky jazz club last night. Seated near Lizz was a rather large and beastly woman. Midway through her meal, the woman sneezed. And what a sneeze! She attempted to cover her mouth, but this only succeeded in deflecting the spray that was to come into cone-like soak zone, similar to those one encounters at zoological parks.

One second after the sound of the sneeze, a literal rain of sushi rice flew over our heads, one large glob slapping me in the cheek. It was one of the singularly most disgusting experiences of my life. Instantly I thought of Monty Python’s Meaning of Life. You know the scene. “It’s only wafer thin.” Well, that.

But wait, there’s more! Behind me, was a round table with several senior citizens in bibs attempting to crack open crabs. The oldest one, who faced Lizz, tried desperately to crack open a large leg, only to have it spring forth from the cracker, bounce off the belly of his friend and land on the floor. I saw none of this; Lizz filled me in. Just when I thought the weirdest was over, Lizz’ face froze and her eyes widened.
Me: “What?!?”
Lizz: “That guy. Crab leg guy. He just picked the leg up off the floor and ate it.”
Me: “Ten minute rule.”