Recent Effluvia:

Mwahahaha

05 November, 2008
Top Reasons to Vote for Davezilla Instead
If elected, I promise to:
1. Force all road construction to occur during the hours of 3 and 5 AM. By 5:30 AM, all evidence of construction must be hidden
2. Prevent Kevin Costner from making any more turkeys like WaterWorld
3. Illegalize the term ‘maverick’
4. Allow voting from the PS3, N360, X-Box, WII and Twitter
5. Mandatory driving tests once you turn 65. Take that, AARP!
6. Politicians (or CEOs) who make ridiculous comments (like being able to see Russia from an Alaska office) will be forced to take elementary school lessons (televised), which will be then graded by elementary school children
7. John Stewart becomes Secretary of State
8. Kittens everywhere. Violators will be forced to eat Cheez Whiz with every meal. And no, allergies are no excuse. Man up, ya Nancy
9. Zilla Girls!
10. Why else should America vote for me?
04 November, 2008
Caption Time #256

03 November, 2008
Halloween Costume Suggestion #3

31 October, 2008
Halloween Costume Suggestion #2

29 October, 2008
Halloween Costume Suggestion #1

All week I will be offering suggestions for Halloween. They will only get weirder as the week goes on. You’ve been warned.

28 October, 2008
Thass how I roll!

26 October, 2008
Hellooooo ladies!

23 October, 2008
On Golden Shower Pond
I recently had my full physical examination from the doctor. All is well, although one comment from the nurse threw me a little. “We need a urine sample. Take this cup to the bathroom and hold it under the urine stream.” Had she used ‘your’ in place of ‘the’, I might not had noticed.

As a result, while I peed, I imagined being under the urine stream as a happy place, a fairytale land with dew-lit butterflies and gamboling elves. Perhaps even a poem. Under the Urine Stream, by Walt Whitman. Rime of the Ancient Uriner, by Coleridge.

And why must it be a stream? What if you had a raging urine river? Here’s some other titles I thought up as I held my cup under the urine stream.
1. The Babbling Urine Brook
2. Noah’s Ark and the Urine Flood
3. A Tribute to the Urine Tributary
4. The Quiet Urine Creek
5. The Urine Well
6. Sailing the Urine Seas
7. The Fountain of Urine
8. Ten Days Alone: Yellow-Water Rafting in Colorado
9. And I cannot resist, On Golden Pond
10. What titles can you come up with?
22 October, 2008
Caption Time #255

21 October, 2008
How not to eat sushi
I ate sushi at Katana in Royal Oak last night. Katana used to be a very trendy spot—almost pickup joint—with beautiful people and even more beautiful waitresses. Granted, I have not eaten there in six months and things seemed to have changed.

At first I thought I was in a Sopranos episode. Every table save mine seemed to be populated by enormous, neckless Italian men with gold chains, striped shirts and ill-fitting jeans. Accompanying each brutish fellow was an over made-up woman with, shall we say, junk in the trunk?

None of this was particularly interesting to me until Lizz pointed out that the men seemed stunned by the knowledge that they would be called upon to use chopsticks. In front of their peers. From our vantage point alone, we observed the following methods for eating sushi:
1. Chopsticks held like drumsticks, one stick in each hand, the sushi roll bounced about as if between Devil Sticks
2. Stabbed like a Shish Kebab
3. Fingers
4. With a fork
5. Stabbed with a steak knife
6. Stolen off the pregnant wife’s plate
7. How have you seen sushi eaten?
19 October, 2008
OMG, an eagle!

C.C.: [Points out car window] “Oh look! An eagle! OMG, it’s totally an eagle!”
Me: “Um, that’s not an eagle. That’s just a crow with a piece of bread in its mouth.”
C.C.: “Uh, huh. You’re right. OK. This does not leave this car.”
Me: “The hell it doesn’t.”
T.T.: “And to think, we get to see it eating its natural prey—bread.”
C.C.: “All right. Enough.”
Me: “You know, eagles developed their keen vision so they could spot wild herds of bread from a mile in the air. Then they swoop down and snatch one before it escapes.”
C.C.: “Enough!”
T.T.: “Bread can be quite wily, I hear.”
Me: “Indeed. Very wily.”
C.C.: “Fuckers.”

17 October, 2008