Recent Effluvia:

Things I Learned from Movies, Part IV
1. At any harbor, there will be two or more speedboats with keys left in them
2. Anyone who gets in a speedboat knows how to drive one expertly
3. Same thing applies to motorcycles
4. Aliens are attracted to our women and have matching genetics to breed with them
5. All twins are not only identical, but have matching voices and freckles as well
6. All magical talismans have rules that only work on certain astronomical configurations
7. No matter how rare or ancient the relic, the world’s leading expert on it happens to teach at the local university
8. The bad guys—who have spent their lives searching for these evil relics—will not find them until the day of the astronomical alignment.
9. These rare astronomical alignments will not make the news. Only bad guys and the local professor will be aware of them.
10. What have you learned from movies?
08 November, 2008
Vagina Repair

06 November, 2008
Mwahahaha

05 November, 2008
Top Reasons to Vote for Davezilla Instead
If elected, I promise to:
1. Force all road construction to occur during the hours of 3 and 5 AM. By 5:30 AM, all evidence of construction must be hidden
2. Prevent Kevin Costner from making any more turkeys like WaterWorld
3. Illegalize the term ‘maverick’
4. Allow voting from the PS3, N360, X-Box, WII and Twitter
5. Mandatory driving tests once you turn 65. Take that, AARP!
6. Politicians (or CEOs) who make ridiculous comments (like being able to see Russia from an Alaska office) will be forced to take elementary school lessons (televised), which will be then graded by elementary school children
7. John Stewart becomes Secretary of State
8. Kittens everywhere. Violators will be forced to eat Cheez Whiz with every meal. And no, allergies are no excuse. Man up, ya Nancy
9. Zilla Girls!
10. Why else should America vote for me?
04 November, 2008
Caption Time #256

03 November, 2008
Halloween Costume Suggestion #3

31 October, 2008
Halloween Costume Suggestion #2

29 October, 2008
Halloween Costume Suggestion #1

All week I will be offering suggestions for Halloween. They will only get weirder as the week goes on. You’ve been warned.

28 October, 2008
Thass how I roll!

26 October, 2008
Hellooooo ladies!

23 October, 2008
On Golden Shower Pond
I recently had my full physical examination from the doctor. All is well, although one comment from the nurse threw me a little. “We need a urine sample. Take this cup to the bathroom and hold it under the urine stream.” Had she used ‘your’ in place of ‘the’, I might not had noticed.

As a result, while I peed, I imagined being under the urine stream as a happy place, a fairytale land with dew-lit butterflies and gamboling elves. Perhaps even a poem. Under the Urine Stream, by Walt Whitman. Rime of the Ancient Uriner, by Coleridge.

And why must it be a stream? What if you had a raging urine river? Here’s some other titles I thought up as I held my cup under the urine stream.
1. The Babbling Urine Brook
2. Noah’s Ark and the Urine Flood
3. A Tribute to the Urine Tributary
4. The Quiet Urine Creek
5. The Urine Well
6. Sailing the Urine Seas
7. The Fountain of Urine
8. Ten Days Alone: Yellow-Water Rafting in Colorado
9. And I cannot resist, On Golden Pond
10. What titles can you come up with?
22 October, 2008
Caption Time #255

21 October, 2008