Things I Learned from Movies, Part IV

  1. At any harbor, there will be two or more speedboats with keys left in them
  2. Anyone who gets in a speedboat knows how to drive one expertly
  3. Same thing applies to motorcycles
  4. Aliens are attracted to our women and have matching genetics to breed with them
  5. All twins are not only identical, but have matching voices and freckles as well
  6. All magical talismans have rules that only work on certain astronomical configurations
  7. No matter how rare or ancient the relic, the world’s leading expert on it happens to teach at the local university
  8. The bad guys—who have spent their lives searching for these evil relics—will not find them until the day of the astronomical alignment.
  9. These rare astronomical alignments will not make the news. Only bad guys and the local professor will be aware of them.
  10. What have you learned from movies?
Show 25 Comments


  1. When you’re traveling through a foreign country to find an ancient relic, you’ll find at least one person who speaks English.

    Angelina Jolie’s boobs get bigger when she plays Lara Croft.

    Just the act of unearthing an ancient relic will cause something catastrophic to happen, i.e. an army of mummies or the end of the world.

    Female superheroes will never have successful movies. See Catwoman and Elektra. Yech.


    Scary music plays in the background when something bad is about to happen -(how come that didn’t happen at my first wedding?)

  3. Patrick

    Re: #3 (motorcycles)- the motorcycle the protagonist chooses will ALWAYS start on the first kick. And the motorcycles available will ALWAYS be dirt bikes, so we can enjoy jumps, slides and excessive gear shifting.
    BTW, please clarify that we are NOT complaining about the size of Angelina’s boobs. Why, our very own Zillagirls have repeatedly proven that big boobs are not incompatible with intelligence, personality, or the ability to give a well deserved and appreciated spanking.
    ABTW, our Zillagirls are HAWT, not just hot, but HAWT! Lord love ’em all.

  4. Chris S

    Running into the back of a parked car at high speed will cause your vehicle to launch into a high arcing barrel roll.

  5. Fruf

    When the heroine or hero , in a gbedroom scene,get out of bed they alwoys hav a sheet conveniently close to them

  6. Da Popster

    There is always a young woman, attractive, with large breasts, a low cut dress/top and who can scream like a banshee in the vicinity of the monster/alien or whatever the threat may be.

  7. yucca

    No matterr how busy of a day or the amount of traffic there is always a parking space directly in front of the palce the person is going

  8. Sherri

    Car tires will squeal on a dirt road

  9. Spud

    My favourite at the moment is the million shots to one routine, you know, where our hero/heroine gets shot at by a thousand bad guys who at best only succeed in slightly grazing our hero/heroine, and yet when our guy/gal looks in the magazine, they have one, maybe two bullets left, but goddamn it, it’s enough! one shot to sever a suspension bridge cable at a thousand yards distance is enough to bring down the entire Golden Gate Bridge type structure and all the bad guys with it!


  10. julesOdeNile

    that after successfully giving the bad guys a slip, there isn’t a character born with enough sense to: lock the door or replace the cover to their clever escape; opt for the escape route that leads them down/out of the building; take off their unfit-for-running noisy shoes as they run upstairs panting loud, falling and screaming and leaving all kinds of tell tale signs that they are trapped and scared shitless!; wait long enough in their hideout for the assailant to leave before coming out and proceeding with the loudest conversations and time wasting activities.

  11. charlie

    All motor vehicles are incredibly flammable, and will provide a most satisfying fireball/explosion at the slightest provocation.

  12. about that talisman: it needs a large breasted woman in order to work, preferably bound and screaming.

  13. AlexBallew

    People shooting guns never ever run out of full clips.

  14. Chris


    nuff said

  15. No bullet will ever hit your protagonist, no matter how many the bad guys fire off.

    Any and all imaginary friends of the movie children turn out to be BAD! 👿

    I will always figure out who the bad guy in the scary movie is 5 minutes in and laugh my ass off for the rest of the movie. 😀

  16. Bigwavdave


  17. Bec

    There is always a car on ready for the hero to jump into to chase after the bad guy

  18. Captain Comet

    If the hero is a male :wang:, then any other male better-looking or more studly gets killed off.
    Likewise, for heroines :tit: , any woman prettier or with bigger boobs gets deep-sixed.

  19. – Getting shot in the shoulder is about as painful as a stubbed toe and no hero ‘ever’ passes out from loss of blood.

    – The laundry chute is always wide enough for fleeing protagonists and there’s always container of nice soft sheets waiting at the bottom to brake the fall.

    – People in bed always turn on the bedside lamp to answer the phone. No idea why.

    – If more than two police cars appear at high speed on a road with their sirens blaring, they will end up crashing into each other.

    – The racism vaccine. If the cops or the special forces unit are going up against a gang of dudes from a particular ethnic group, the good guys should always have one member of that ethnic group on their team. I.e. one Chinese cop if they’re going up against the triads, one Hispanic FBI agent if they’re fighting drug cartels ..etc. This will deflect any accusations of racism that the film makers might receive.

    – If you have a short hero with a taller female lead, their height difference will vary according to the shot. In close ups he will be taller, in long shots she will be towering over him. Or in extreme cases, they will never be filmed standing side by side. (see The Interpreter – fucking hilarious)

  20. Fruf

    no one has to have a crap or pee in movies
    no one sneezes one of those snot blowing sneezes
    no hero wears jockey shorts with holes and skid marks

  21. and another thing… ever notice that no-one ever needs to get gas? except maybe in Dumb and Dumber, but that was part of the plot.

  22. [quote comment=”489476″]All motor vehicles are incredibly flammable, and will provide a most satisfying fireball/explosion at the slightest provocation.[/quote]
    And will end with one wheel rolling down the road.

  23. Timm

    When someone is shot to death, they look at the blood on their hands two seconds before they croak.

    Police chiefs have a photo of their kids (holding fishing rods) on their desk, and a bottle of bourbon (and glasses) in a desk drawer.

  24. chainstay

    If you are a bad guy looking for that relic, just follow the good guy; he will take you right to it and never know that you are following him. Let them do all the work and find the traps! Just do not get to smug when you get your hands on the artifact!

  25. C-stYle

    Smoking the good ganja will turn you into a lizard.

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