Recent Effluvia:

Caption Time #259

Caption Time #259

01 December, 2008
Failed Horror Movie Ideas
1. Pantsuits of the Damned
2. Dawn of the Bagel
3. The Hills Have Starbucks
4. The Cabinet of Dr. Phil
5. Invasion of the Body Shapers
6. Whatever Happened to Milli Vanilli?
7. Don’t Go Inside My Trousers
8. I Know What You Did at Band Camp
9. Friday the 14th
10. What movies would you like to see?
With assistance from Mark Simon
30 November, 2008
Things to Avoid on Thanksgiving
1. Showing up naked with a loaf of Melba Toast
2. Screaming at the gravy
3. Recreating Devil’s Mountain with the mashed potatoes
4. Inviting radical Islamists for dinner and asking them to convert to Jesus
5. What would you avoid?
27 November, 2008
Things I Learned from Movies, Part V
1. Whenever magic is being performed for the first time, black clouds instantly roll in.
2. If a cop or some para-military soldier pokes at his own eyes, then forwards twice in the air, trouble is coming.
3. Giants and large dinosaurs move in slow motion. Small dinosaurs move with lightning speed.
4. In real life, putting up your open palm signals someone to stop. In the movies, this is how Native Americans greet each other.
5. In real life, putting up your closed fist means Black Power. In the movies, this is how Ninjas signal each other to stop.
6. Women have always worn thongs, even in the Renaissance.
7. The first time a werewolf transforms, it will take up an entire chapter on a DVD and involve painful screaming. Subsequent transformations take only seconds and are painless.
8. If a sea monster is large enough to eat your ship, it will.
9. Giant snakes will feed 6-10 times a day, every day, rather than resting a month between meals.
10. All Eastern European grandfathers hunted witches. All Eastern European grandmothers are witches.
25 November, 2008
Mr Sensitive? You BET!

The other day I made a comment to someone that got an unanticipated response (I know, right, me saying something that bothers someone? how … odd).

I suggested that if superpowers were on the bartering table, I would see my way through to selling my soul. I mean, superpowers. Come on. Who wouldn’t want that. Even assuming that I’m not completely serious about bartering an unsubstantial, non-recordable and altogether magical essence for the concrete power to teleport, or shoot laser beams from my eyes, or whatever power I chose, it’s a good topic of conversation. It gets the ball rolling. From there we could have gone with ‘WHat would you sell your soul for’ or ‘What’s the nastiest place you had the sex in?’

(more…)

23 November, 2008
It’s Science!

22 November, 2008
U DOIN’ IT WRONG

20 November, 2008
Caption Time #258

When you plug me in, air comes out of my mouth!!

18 November, 2008
Not until you’re not… Wait. Whut?

You cannot download until you are not a member. Wait. Whut?

15 November, 2008
Casual Fridays

We have Casual Fridays at work, too.

14 November, 2008
Caption Time #257

Caption Time #257

11 November, 2008
Where’s the freaks?

Many of you have emailed me asking what happened to the Freak Watchers site. Well, it is temporarily down.

The site was compromised some time this weekend by a rather unscrupulous hacker. Every time you went to the site, Career Builder came up within my domain. Career Builder! Ridiculous.

So… the site will remain offline until I can get a spare day to rebuild it in WordPress.

In other news, Sarah Palin is a complete attention whore and should immediately start partying with Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton.

11 November, 2008