Things I Learned from Movies, Part III

16 September, 2008Posted inObservations, Original Humor52 Comments
Bullets from heroes kill with one shot and in less than a second. Bullets from criminals maim, but if they do kill, it takes longer. Virginity protects you from serial killers. It only takes two people to turn a two ton fallen tree into a massive booby trap that operates by pulling a tiny wooden shim. Heroes' handguns fire 70 shots and never miss. Criminals' handguns fire six shots of questionable accuracy. They also ricochet more often than heroes. Heroes simply bleed less than criminals, who tend to bleed in arterial spray patterns resembling a Jackson Pollock painting. The first…

Woody Allen Style Cliché Contest

29 April, 2007Posted inOriginal Humor48 Comments
Remember how Woody Allen would always mix together clichés in his movies? Me too. To honor that concept, I am having a contest for the best mixed cliché, Woody Allen style. Winner (as judged by you) will get an original cartoon by me mailed to them and the winner gets to pick the subject matter. Anything goes. Example: "A stitch in time uh… saved nine mothers from uh, inventing a really bad sewing machine."

Upcoming Peter Jackson Movies

26 September, 2006Posted inOriginal Humor15 Comments
Peter Jackson's See Dick Run, The Early Years, a trilogy Peter Jackson's 9-11 Commission Final Report, a five part docu-drama Peter Jackson's Jason and the Argonauts, a triskadekagy Peter Jackson's Dark Side of the Moon, The Syd Barrett Story, told in 23 parts Peter Jackson's The Life of Pamela Lee Anderson, a 48 part epic Peter Jackson's Tom Sawyer, a 112 part trilogy Peter Jackson's Finnegan's Wake, a 206 part epic Peter Jackson's Oxford Unabridged, as read by Charo Peter Jackson's The Bible, a 9,200 part mini-series Hear of any I may have missed?

More people we dislike #9: Airplane edition

29 June, 2006Posted inOriginal Humor49 Comments
The woman in the aisleway who prevents anyone from boarding the plane because she is busy art directing her luggage in the overhead compartment, rather than stuffing it in there and sitting down. The couple who ignore their screaming toddler for the duration of the flight. The wheezing sleeper I always get stuck next to. The flirty girl who wants to talk to me about Jesus. The mullet boy who asks me if I, "Got anyfing ta eat." The attractive woman who sexily slips off her pumps to reveal feet that smell like gangrenous musk oxen. The "religious expert" who…

Call Me Mr. Clean

27 June, 2006Posted inOriginal Humor55 Comments
OK, time to come clean. As many of you know, in May I became an African priest of the Lukumí religion. Go me. What you don't know are the restrictions placed on me, which of late have been leading to some fairly hilarious situations. For example, I have to wear all white. Head to toe. Every day. For a year. Really. I also cannot drink for a year, go to parties, movies or or restaurants. Basically, stay home and be good for a year. I know what you are thinking, and yes, Natalie and I can still do that. I…

McGavin-Knotts-Weaver Coincidences

28 February, 2006Posted inOriginal Humor59 Comments
All three had cheesy television shows in the 1970s All three were male actors All three favored ugly hats All three starred in TV roles as law enforcement officers All three died within 24 hours of each other Their birth months are sequential (McGavin = May, Weaver = June, Knotts = July) Darren McGavin has an 'a' in his first and last name Don Knotts has an 'o' in his first and last name Dennis Weaver has an 'e' in his first and last name All three have 2 'n's in between their first and last names The number of…

What I learned from movies, Part 1

15 December, 2005Posted inOriginal Humor48 Comments
Women's purses only have four items in them An entire corporation's data fits on a single disk Men can unhook bras on the first try Storms and wars can be quieted when the hero has something important to say Predatory animals suffer from glaucoma and see in thermo-vision Any computer security system can be broken into with the password "override" No one gets cramped or kneed in the face during sex All monsters — even giant insects — make pig squealing sounds when shot Swipe card slots can be defeated with Bobby pins, as can most locks Pre-Roman barbarian women…

Full frontal blogging

07 November, 2005Posted inOriginal Humor42 Comments
What was your first experience seeing a naked person in a movie? Summer of '42, that was mine. I mean, that was the name of the film, not when I saw a naked person in a film. I thought Jennifer O'Neill was the hottest woman on the planet at the time. I was probably 11 years old and Summer of '42 was playing on TV after midnight (yes, we had color television back then). Someone in the station forgot to censor the movie, and I saw my first bit of girl bits. Amazing. Not that I hadn't seen them prior,…

Hold the gravy

07 March, 2005Posted inOriginal Humor32 Comments
I went to the cinema on Saturday and were perplexed by some of the foods sold in the Toronto concessions of late. Burger King? Taco Bell? Pizza? A bit messy in a theatre seat, don't you think? Here are some other foods I hope will never be sold at the movies: Rice Krispies Floating Sushi Bar Whole Main Lobster Flaming Cheese (Opa!) Spaghetti and Meatballs Durian Noodle Soup Side of Beef Beer Bong Open Salad Bar Raw Oysters Absinthe Spicy Buffalo Wings Fondue Dim Sum Sloppy Joes Watermelon 20lb. Turkey Dinner with all the fixin's Anything with Gravy Peas