Observations

It's not terribly uncommon for persons of either gender to possess a third nipple. What is uncommon is having the extraneous areola appear in the expected location. Often they are to be found on knees, thighs or shoulder-blades. While neither Natalie (yes, she's finally updated) nor I can claim ownership of a vestigial nipple, we spent an interesting hour pondering the worst possible locations to have one. On an eyelid Crown of a molar Attached to the cochlea On someone else's chest Under a fingernail Hanging from an eyelash On your voice On your dog On the soul On the…

Back in the 1980s when it seemed every major city had a goth club called "Asylum" or "Sanctuary", there was an upsurge in singles bars for yuppies. Most had catchy, but annoying, two-syllable names like, "Scruples" or "Mixers" or "Wombats". Recently, specialty clubs for special needs groups have popped up around the world. I imagine they'd have names like … Distractions: For singles with A.D.D. Twitches: The meeting place for singles with Tourette Syndrome. Wheezer's: Where well-to-do asthmatics mingle. Poseurs: The place for aging new wavers. Stumpy's: Serving the single amputee since 1982. Trekkies! for the permanently single. Doody's: A…

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Each year I become somewhat introspective on my birthday (rather than merely depressed), as I reflect on my life and what I have or have not become. This year it became apparent to me that the following genes remain absent or dormant in my genetic make up: The gene that enjoys waking up prior to 10am The gene that thinks pop stars have something relevant to say The gene that allows one to wear spandex pants with fur-lined Mukluks The gene that let one appreciate interpretive dance, tumbling routines and Disney on Ice The gene that drives one to own…

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My 41st birthday is this Sunday. They say the mind is the first thing to go. For me, the mind is not the first thing to go. it will be my sense of smell. Four years ago I had a neighbor that reeked so powerfully of God knows what that I thought I had smelled the doorway to Hell's outhouse. He was later incarcerated, presumably for impersonating a septic tank. For the last two years, my Albanian neighbors have been cooking up dishes that must surely consist of wet dog fur and old jockstraps (traditional recipe). Truly that was the…

Swann's Way — Marcel Proust "I just can't fall asleep." Lo! — Charles Fort "It's raining cats and frogs." Mists of Avalon — Marion Zimmer Bradley "Ew! With your own brother?" The Prophet — Kahlil Gibran "You're all just lazy peasants." The DaVinci Code — Dan Brown "Fine. Blame Leonardo for everything." Angela's Ashes — Frank McCourt "Irish boys have dreadful lives." Finnegan's Wake — James Joyce "They'll never figure this out." Little Birds — Anaïs Nin "Girls have naughty thoughts, too!" The Age of Spiritual Machines — Ray Kurzweil "Yes, computers will take over." Against All Enemies — Richard…

I had the stupidest dream of my life last night. In the dream, my best friend was Corey Feldman. All of my friends at work kept teasing me for hanging out with him, but I kept defending Corey. "You just don't know him like I do. He's a great guy in person. He's honest and genuinely likes to help people." Corey convinced me to rob a Coney Island. We made off with $90 and two packs of ketchup. No police were called, but we were chased down by the fry cooks. Corey threw the ketchup packs like Ninja throwing stars,…

[ Scene: Coffeehouse counter, two 9th grade girls are flirting with the barista, a man as gay as a French Horn ] Girl #1: "Can you believe this? She [ points to Girl #2 ] isn't even wearing underpants and it's like um, fucking minus a hundred?" Girl #2: "I fuckin' never wear panties. Shit, no. They're so … confining. Y'know? See? No tanlines. [ Girl #2 actually pulled down her camo cargo pants, flashing underage girly bits to an apathetic coffeehouse. I was one of only two patrons that seemed horrified. ] Barista: "Uh huh, very sexy." Girl #2:…