Category: Observations

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Minnie sent me an excellent book entitled “Here Speeching American”, something my readers excel at. I love the Engrish shopping sections, one in particular from—where else—Japan. Door No. 1 Entrance Door No. 2 Exitrance Aisle A: Caned Fruit Aisle B: Caned Vegitarian Caned Fish Meat Caned Meat Floss “A lovely paper for your toilet life”…

Place cat on sunny spot near a window Focus camera Move cat back onto sunny spot near window Focus camera Look for cat under sofa Call for cat Get out can opener Put cat back on sunny spot Focus camera Marvel at beauty of cat Praise cat for sitting so still Take photo Look at…

Brock: “On today’s headlines, why opening your front door could be hazardous to your health.” Michelle: “Also on today’s headlines, you may be harboring a menace in your refrigerator and not even know it. Hear about dangers to your children that are lurking in your kitchen.” Brock: “But first, a look at this morning’s waking-up…

She counts the number of syllables you say in each sentence and informs you. She sits down to watch the Disney Channel with your parents. In the nude. She believes Jack Chick tracts to be very real and accurate. She wears sweatsocks under her nylons. Her armpit hair is corn-rowed. Your friends tell you that…

I am thankful that my family doesn’t make me eat tofurkey I am thankful that ferrets do not have opposable thumbs I am thankful that cars don’t run on pudding I am thankful that David Lee Roth is not a paramedic where I live I am thankful that my landlords chose lime and indigo for…

I do not own a waistcoat I am not a member of the Illuminatus I am non-stick and won’t fade in warm water I have never yelled at a Praying Mantis I detest gauchos, skorts and ugs Mice fear me I hold low opinions of the willfully ignorant I prefer beer to liquor and soy…

During a screening of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Natalie and I ended up sitting next to J-Lo’s hairstylist (or so he claimed). He also claimed (loudly) that he did hair for Natasha Stilwell, host of Discovery Canada’s Daily Planet show. His comments gave me weeks of material, but I’ve decided to condense…

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