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Brock: "On today's headlines, why opening your front door could be hazardous to your health." Michelle: "Also on today's headlines, you may be harboring a menace in your refrigerator and not even know it. Hear about dangers to your children that are lurking in your kitchen." Brock: "But first, a look at this morning's waking-up weather report." Skip: "Looks like we're in for some wild weather. I'll tell you all about it, right after we hear about this morning's commute." Deb: "Area freeways are looking congested. I'll tell you which ones, right after the break." [ commercial break ] Brock:…

She counts the number of syllables you say in each sentence and informs you. She sits down to watch the Disney Channel with your parents. In the nude. She believes Jack Chick tracts to be very real and accurate. She wears sweatsocks under her nylons. Her armpit hair is corn-rowed. Your friends tell you that you couldn't have just asked her on a date. She died in a car accident 10 years today. She brings a clipboard of criteria you must meet. Dogs and small children naturally flee when she approaches. She lives in a pond. What bad dates can…

I am thankful that my family doesn't make me eat tofurkey I am thankful that ferrets do not have opposable thumbs I am thankful that cars don't run on pudding I am thankful that David Lee Roth is not a paramedic where I live I am thankful that my landlords chose lime and indigo for the hallway instead of magenta and olive viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online viagra…

I do not own a waistcoat I am not a member of the Illuminatus I am non-stick and won't fade in warm water I have never yelled at a Praying Mantis I detest gauchos, skorts and ugs Mice fear me I hold low opinions of the willfully ignorant I prefer beer to liquor and soy milk to pistol whippings I hate when DJs say "Rocktober" I am petitioning to have caffeine declared a vitaminIf I could sum up my life in one word, it would be antilugibriluositanimousI eat carbs in the face of Atkins dieters, and wear glasses before anyone…

During a screening of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Natalie and I ended up sitting next to J-Lo's hairstylist (or so he claimed). He also claimed (loudly) that he did hair for Natasha Stilwell, host of Discovery Canada's Daily Planet show. His comments gave me weeks of material, but I've decided to condense my 10 favorites into one post. "OMG… Look. It's J-Lo. I absolutely LOVE her. See the hair? That's a tri-layer. Three colors. Takes four hours. Wait, shhh, look at this thing she does with her leg. Faaaabulous!" "No, this is the fourth movie. They're all…

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Neighbor: "Crappy weather, huh?" Me: "Yeah, it sure as Hell is." Neighbor: "Stepped in every gaddampt puddle tanight." Me: "Oh?" Neighbor: "Yeaaaaaah. Went to the Mervyn's sale. They're going outta business." Me: "I hadn't heard." Neighbor: "Oh sure, and wouldn't ya know it? They were closed." Me: "That's a drag, eh?" Neighbor: "Yeaaaaaah. I really needed a new bra. I only got two and this one's fulla cigarette burns. See?" Me: " … "viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra…