Davezilla.com

Category: Observations

  • Ad Placement FAIL

    In advertising, location is everything

    In advertising, location is everything
    Via April Winchell

  • Friday Saturday Question

    Apologies for the few posts of late. I am traveling so much that I rarely get quality Inter Webs time anymore.

    What’s your most most embarrassing moment?

    C’mon. Out with it.

  • Unusual Uses for Hot Towels

    If you sit in first class on a Delta or Northwest flight, you will be given a hot towel shortly before a meal is served. I was always told that hot towels were to cleanse the hands prior to eating. Other people I have sat next to on various flights have had different ideas on what the towels were meant for.

    1. Polishing shoes
    2. Draped over the face as one would do prior to a barber’s shave
    3. Rubbing the breasts
    4. Folded up and tucked into the purse. Still wet.
    5. Cleaning ears
    6. Wiping down the armrests and seatback (probably not a bad idea, actually)
    7. Blowing nose into
    8. What have you seen people do with hot towels?

  • More people we can safely dislike #20

    1. Kids that dropped out of school because, “My teachah’s ignernt.”
    2. Clowns. Always clowns.
    3. Douchebags that tell their girlfriends they can’t hang out with their guy friends, but they of course can continue to hang out with their ex-girlfriends.
    4. People with shit taste in films who insist that despite the critics, despite what my friends have said, despite the awful trailers that I’m really missing out on the depth of Pauly Shore’s venerable acting career.
    5. Anyone who defends Coldplay.
    6. People who act affronted that they can’t carry automatic weapons with them into Wal-Mart.
    7. The Illuminati. I mean, what good are they anymore?
    8. Diehard Dan Brown fans.
    9. People who text two-handed on their Crackberries while driving a BMW with manual transmission.
    10. The reader who keeps mailing me Xtian tracts to save my soul.

  • Friday Question #12

     

    Have you ever blamed the dog?

     

  • Friday Question #11

    So if you’ve followed my Twiiter, Flickr or Facebook posts, you’ve by now heard that Lizz and I are the proud owners of a 30′ sailboat. So one thing that everyone keeps asking us is what we will name the boat?

    On Tuesday night I had this conversation:
    HIM: “You gonna name your boat something cool like Sea Fag?”
    ME: [cough]
    HIM: “Well I would.”

    What Should We Name Our New Boat?

     

  • Friday Question #10

     

    Have you ever talked to someone whose gender you could not identify, even after a lengthy conversation?

     

  • Physical Benefits of Jobs I’ve Held

    Also known as “Why I hate 4AM”

    1. Paperboy: Over-developed left shoulder, crooked spine, ink-stained fingers, anxiety from waking up at 4AM to deliver papers
    2. Tropical Fish Store Clerk: Over-developed shoulders from carrying water buckets, wrinkled fingertips, permanently soaked Adidas, anxiety from staying up till 4AM checking pH levels of marine tanks
    3. Waiter: Over-developed left shoulder and strong wrists (from carrying trays), sore feet, grimace from holding back laughter when Midwesterners mispronounced common European dishes, anxiety from staying up till 4AM with side-work
    4. Punk Band Roadie: Ability to yell “Check, two, two” into mics at earsplitting levels, smokey hair, inhuman Guinness consumption, lungs caked with AquaNet, Djarum fixation, scalp burns from Clorox + Manic Panic home hair job, tolerance for occasional electrocution-by-beer-spill, anxiety from staying up till 4AM packing sticker-encrusted Anvil cases
    5. Industrial Band Keyboardist: See Punk Band Roadie, multiply X2, anxiety from waiting till 4AM to get paid by bar owner
    6. Cemetery Notary: Rigid posture, moderated voice level, anxiety from waking up at 4AM from Hellish nightmares
    7. Illustrator: Arthritic right hand, perma-hunch from drafting table, caffeine addiction, anxiety from staying up till 4AM re-working comps
    8. Sr. Information Architect: Hatred of small type, perma-squint, claw-like hand frozen in the shape of an Apple mouse, anxiety from staying up till 4AM correcting wireframes, ability to use words like “findability” with a straight face
    9. Social Media Director: Hatred of press releases, psychic ability to find WiFi hotspots, anxiety from staying up till 4AM reading Twitter feeds and defriending Facebook peeps

  • TOASTER FAIL

    TOASTER FAIL

    I was all excited to have this multigrain bread till I realized it was 3″ wider than the toaster slots. Epic fail.

  • Friday Question #9

     

    Do you have a friend like this?

  • Friday Question #8

     

    What’s the worst thing you’ve been given to eat at work?

     

  • Annoying!

    I have soundtracks in my dreams. If they were cool bands, like Aphex Twin, The Bravery or Fleet Foxes, I could deal.

    But they aren’t.

    They’re generally annoying songs that end up being stuck in my head all the next day. Last night was tolerable (Mott the Hoople’s All the Young Dudes), but it will not leave my head. Worst of all, it’s the same line that keeps repeating.

    Here is my plea to you, dear readers. Tell me a better song so I can erase it from memory. Thank you and bless you.